Every Single Thing
by One Great Mind
Summary: **REPOST** A worldly Ana agrees on being Christian's wife in exchange of a wealthy life. But Ana discovers what it really means to have every single thing in the world. (Author's Notes are the same as I posted it the first time)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

 **Headstrong**

Mia has it all. She has a grand house, successful career oriented parents, brand new iPhone models, and most of all, she has my dream.

All I've ever wanted in my whole life is to receive a scholarship from Juilliard. I work as hard as I can and I try to earn as twice as I normally do, just to have the life that I have planned for myself, but what's happening right now? Mia is going to Juilliard since she got the scholarship. Like I said, she has everything.

We are standing in front of her Victorian-styled home as she is about to drive in her new cyan coloured Lamborghini (another gift from her father because she got the scholarship). I don't even understand why she needs the scholarship in the first place.

I stand right next to her uptight older brother, Christian as we watch her caress her poodle, Milkshake like there is no tomorrow. Mr. Grey, Mrs. Grey, Christian, and I came here for her but she cares about Milkshake the most.

After approximately seventeen minutes of embracing Milkshake to death, she finally gives us her attention. She hugs her parents and brother with shimmering eyes and an accomplished smile. They all whisper words of congratulations to her ears and she smiles proudly in response. She is standing in front of me right now and her shimmering eyes finally break down into tears while she embraces me.

"It's happening, Anastasia! It's happening! I am going to Juilliard."

I wish I could say the same.

To my surprise she brushes away one tear from my eye using her thumb. I don't even know that I am crying.

She proves to be my best friend when she encourages, "Don't you dare give up on applying. Try and try and try to get the scholarship no matter what, okay? I will be waiting for you there."

Mia then drags me to the corner far enough for us to know that her family can't hear us.

"Anastasia, I told my father that he could be the one to pay for your every need in Juilliard just in case you won't get the scholarship in your next try and he agreed."

I gasp, "Mia!"

"You are more than my best friend, Anastasia. You are my soul sister and you deserve to make all your dreams come true. I love you so much, okay? We will graduate in Juilliard together, I promise you that."

My tears flow continuously as Mia drives away with her Lamborghini to live her dreams. Mia has everything. She really does. And if I were to have a daughter one day, I'd give her the kind of life Mia has.

 _ **Five years later . . .**_

"What is your order, Ma'am?" I ask for the tenth time while tapping my pen against the notepad.

"Can you just wait, woman? Isn't that why you are called a waitress?" I can feel my nostrils flaring after what this old hag said. I fold my arms and just pretend that I didn't hear anything. If I were to defend myself then I would lose my job in an instant and if I lose my job, everyone in my family dies of starvation.

She continues to rant, "You seriously have the worst service in the entire food industry in New Jersey. What kind of waitress annoys her customer?!"

"I wasn't trying to annoy you—"

"Shut up, okay? I am the customer so that means I am always right."

Can this day get any worse?

My sweat is soaking my entire body as the heat of the summer radiates through the slightly cracked concrete walls of this diner. There are about seventy people inside waiting to have the piece of cheap burger they want to eat for lunch and the noises coming out of their mouths just add up to the warm temperature. The ceiling fans are not functioning well and the owner keeps on yelling at us because we are not working like that ponytailed brunette in Diner Dash. I look at some of the customers and their bodies are slicked with perspiration but they seem to ignore it just because they want to save money.

Dupree, the owner screams at me, "Anastasia! Work faster, for heaven's sake! You are fucking slow right now! Damn! Could you be more incompetent?!"

I yell back, "I am on it and—"

"SHUT UP AND WORK!"

Some customers laugh and not only my face is red but so are my eyes. I didn't ask for this job and I never envisioned myself in this position so I do not deserve any humiliation. My mind goes at it again with the mantra:

 _Keep it cool._

 _Keep it cool._

 _Keep it cool._

"Ma'am, you really need to choose since it's twelve noon and some customers can't even get a seat in the diner." I try to sound as kind as possible.

"Fine! I will just have water then. A glass of water please?"

Is she serious?

After a few seconds of glaring at her I head to the counter just to inform that the old hag only wants is a glass of water. The place is getting too loud and hot, just like Dupree's temper and mouth.

"WORK! WORK! WORK!" Each 'work' has a corresponding clap.

I'm about to entertain another customer when he calls for my attention, "Anastasia, come over here!"

"Yes Sir?"

Standing face to face with him, I can't help but notice that he is uglier close up. Look at all the acne on his neck and the wrinkles on his face. Not to mention that his hair reminds me of Tom Hanks' hairstyle from the film, _Cast Away_. He looks more like a caveman and I notice this just now in all the two weeks I've been working here.

"Where were you yesterday?"

"Uhm . . ."

"Where were you?!"

I flinch, "Sir, I—"

"All you have to do is answer the question, Anastasia!"

"I left an hour early because I needed to go to this audition and—"

He guffaws and my open hands turn into closed fists. My eyebrows arch and my stomach is tied into complicated patterned knots as I feel that all he needs is one step more to reach my limit.

"You auditioned for what? America's Got Talent? What did you do? Did you show them how awful you are as a waitress?"

I raise my head up high and inform him with the strongest voice I can possess for now, "I auditioned for a minor role in a television show and I did pretty well with that."

He is redder now and he is almost like the carbon copy of _Hellboy._ "Look at you right now! You are pretending to be very strong when deep inside you are feeling very offended and weak. You are a terrible liar, Anastasia. You didn't do well. I can see it in your eyes that when you think of it, you are reminded of how awful you were! No wonder why you didn't end up as an actress. You ended up as a waitress inside my diner and you can't do that well. You're bound to be a failure, Anastasia! Now go and serve! Work! Work! Work! Work!"

He takes that one step. My limit has been reached.

My closed fist meets his cheek in the most violent manner that I myself groan in pain. He lands down the floor and winces at the pain I inflicted on him. Sooner than later the blood drips down his cheek and everybody gasps. The loudest diner in the whole New Jersey transforms into a silent library as they watch as with wide eyes.

"Screw you, Dupree!" I scream just before throwing my apron, notepad, and pen directly to his shocked state.

"You are fired!" He acts as if it's meant to hurt me.

"The best thing you did as my employer!" I give him my most sarcastic smile. I feel everyone's eyes peering at me as I walk to the door, and I almost exit this hell of a diner if it weren't for the two things I've forgotten.

My Purse

This:

I grab the glass of water from one of the trays my co-worker is holding as I head to the table of the mean old hag I encountered just a few minutes ago.

"Ma'am?"

She can't speak now.

The room is filled with gasps as the water splashes all over her ugly face. She is too shocked and that brings me so much happiness.

"That was your glass of water, Ma'am and please do come again!"

I raise both of my middle fingers up before finally exiting the diner.

The sun is obviously on their side as all it does is bite my skin with its reckless rays. I march my way down the streets not caring that I am bumping into some people on purpose. I am too pissed off right now and the anger stirring up inside me is beyond words. When I am angry I start to cry and that's what I hate the most about myself. Well, I am not doing that now since I know that I have a lot to prove and crying is not one of those methods that can help me.

I take the train to our apartment building and I swear that this has become the worst day of my life. We live in this four storied apartment building colored in faded paint and broken elevator. Not only that I take the stairs all the way up to the fourth floor, but the power's out. I pull my moist brown hair up for a messy bun as I enter our apartment building completely saying hello to the heat I expected.

The place is a mess but so are the people living inside.

 **Dad:** Why are you already here? Shouldn't you be at work?

 **Mom:** Dear, do you have $100? I ran out of money.

 **Elliott:** Sis, I am really sorry but I misplaced the $50 you gave me.

 **Elizabeth:** Anastasia, I borrowed three of your shirts. They look good on me so it's mine.

 **Little Ben:** Aunt Anastasia, have you already eaten?

I give my nephew a soft smile before slamming my bedroom door closed. I try to turn the fan on and I curse under my breath as I realize that the power is out. I scream on top of my lungs and they keep on knocking on my door asking me if I'm doing okay.

Opening the only window in my room, I smell the summer air circling the busy streets of New Jersey. I close my eyes and breathe in and out. That's the pattern. Breathe in. Breathe out. There are different sounds coming from different places: Cars honking, men whistling, girls fighting, people laughing, dogs barking, and every single sound proving how diverse the world can be.

My tears fall and I let them. I don't count it as defeat. I count it as a step before victory.

Life's throwing its middle finger at me now.

But I'm gonna raise mine higher.

 **Thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Serendipity

As long as there are tomorrows, there are chances. Instead of waking up like a complete sore loser, I choose to be the more positive version of me. I can't let one bad day define my whole life. I brush my hair, wear my most presentable clothes, and gather six copies of my résumé. One loss is equal to another gain so I am going to hunt for a new job.

Getting out of my room, there is already a plate of omelette prepared for me on the table. I sit down next to my nephew, Ben and he gives me a very small smile from his red lips. At four years old, I can already see a future Casanova.

"Aunt Anastasia, are you okay now?"

My father who is washing the dishes explains, "Dear, he's been worried sick since you arrived yesterday. He really knows that something is going on and it's something unpleasant. If you want to tell us something then you are free to do so. We are here to listen, Anastasia. All you have to do is say it."

The look on my family's face right now reminds me of the reason why I can endure every stumbling block along the way. They can be a burden at most times but I can be a burden too. Sometimes no matter how weak we are, we have to act strong for those who are weaker. That's who we are as a family and life hasn't made sense for years now but I have faith that it will. I just don't know when.

Mom emerges from the bathroom, "How are the omelettes, dear?"

"It's pretty good, Mom." You know she's your mother when she understands you even though you talk to her with your mouth full.

"Anastasia, are you okay? Is something bothering you? Did something happen in your work? We are really sorry for yesterday. It's just that it was so hot and the power was out and we were being ill-tempered and you didn't—"

After swallowing the food I interrupt her, "You don't have to apologize, Mom. I just had one of the worst days but I am doing fine with my job."

She gives me a soft smile, wholly deceived about the lie. Who says that I am not a good actress? Dupree. I punched him so that means I can be an action star as well.

They all smile at me right now; buying the lie I tell them. They all ask me to take care as I act like I am very late for work. They seem to be in a good mood today so it just gives me a bright aura for today's agenda. I take the stairs descending to the first floor and deny the fact that it got me tired. Who needs to jog when the elevator in your apartment building is not working?

I stroll along the streets of New Jersey, searching for places that need immediate hiring. We need to survive and we can't survive with my brother's income alone. I really need to have a job right now.

If you ask me, my dream job is to really be an actress—a film actress.

It all started before my father got laid off. He didn't have a high salary but he always made sure that he could support me with my hobbies and dreams. He bought me a second-hand television set when I was only eight years old and I watched HBO the whole day and I got so amazed by how a person could be another person or persons, rather. There was a Julia Roberts marathon and I watched her films _Pretty Woman, Runaway Bride, Notting Hill, Mona Lisa Smile_ and got amazed by how she seemed so different in each film. I borrowed my little sister, Anna's red pompoms and pretended it was the same red hair as Julia's.

At eight, I understood that acting meant to be somebody else even just for an hour and a half during a motion picture. It is to lose yourself to project art. Right then I knew I wanted to be an actress.

The Oscars was a whole different story. I didn't know that the golden bald man existed until it was aired last 2001. What made it a more remarkable experience is that Julia Roberts won the Best Actress category for her movie, Erin Brockovich and I sobbed out loud as if I were the person who won. Her hair was pulled up into a sophisticated style, her face beautiful in every angle of the camera and her black gown, with white V-straps did her justice. She was absolute perfection.

I wanted to be her.

Grabbing my mother's lotion bottle, I pretended that the red blanket was my gown and I stared at myself in the mirror. I still remember my whole 'Oscars' speech:

 _I'd like to thank the Academy for this honour! I'd like to thank my best friend, Julia Roberts for being there with me in every step of the way. I thank my mother for all the amazing food she made me eat and most of all; I thank my boyfriend, Hugh Grant for loving me._

Well, it didn't happen, did it?

Rather than being an actress, I am now searching for jobs that could give me salary within two weeks. I stop by from one café to another, one bookstore to another, one grocery shop to another. I even try to apply in different offices but all they said is they'll call me. I hate to sound like a pessimist but when they say that, it's just sugarcoating the fact that they're not thinking you're good enough to be hired.

The clock ticks and before I know it, it's already twelve noon and I still haven't had lunch. My stomach is growling so I sit by a bench to do some counting.

I bought six résumés with me and I only have one left. My eyes close and doubts have been filling up my mind. Should I just give up? I am slick with sweat, my feet are sore, and I am so hungry. I take out my wallet to check how many dimes I have left but there are absolutely none. There is nothing inside my wallet.

What happened to the eight year old who dreamed to be an actress? She's sitting on a random bench under the heat of the sun wondering if she'll ever find a job today.

Is she gonna give up?

No, she's not but she'll just take a break.

I stand up and try distracting myself to forget that I really need food right now. I rarely skip meals so I assume that it will be okay. I can do this. What's more important is that I am going to get a job and there will be no more days like this. I sing some Blink-182 songs in my head and pretend that I am a rockstar. My palm rests on my stomach, secretly telling it that it's okay and that it can wait until evening. I even talk to it so it's no surprise if people think that I am a pregnant virgin.

Yes, I am a virgin and no, virgins can't get pregnant.

 _What am I talking about? I am really hungry._

Thankfully, I pass by a DVD Store and it's more than enough to distract me. As expected, there are only a few people inside since you can watch most movies on the internet and DVD's and CD's are on its way to becoming a vintage collection. They live forever for me though and all these movies just make me very happy. I walk down every aisle and see some familiar movies.

As usual I love the Award Winning Movies Lane as these are true motion pictures that channel the authentic beauty and ugliness of human life. I spin around as I am surrounded by the collections of classic films and future classic films. I grab some CD's to read what's on the back even though I already know more than that. I take a hold of movies like _The Wizard of Oz, Roman Holiday, The Sound of Music, Titanic, Braveheart, Top Gun_ and a whole lot more.

That's what I do: grab the CD, stare at it for about two minutes, read what's on the back and put it back from where I got it. That's what I basically do.

As soon as I see the DVD of the movie, _The Aviator,_ I reach out to grab it but someone grasps it the same time as I do.

That's quite odd.

"Miss, you can have it, here you go," the person tells me before letting go of _The Aviator_. It brings chill down to my spine and in every hair on my arms. His voice. I know this voice. It's a stoic voice, a cold but calm one, a voice almost like an ocean in the snowbound land. I decide to look up to confirm if it's really him. Looking from the DVD all the way up to his cerulean necktie and finally on to his face, I couldn't be more correct. It's really him.

The familiar shade of very deep grey eyes, tousled copper hair, and tight red lips, he looks almost just the same, even more beautiful than he already is. He still has the best posture and his Armani suit and tie show just how classy of a man he is.

"Christian Grey?"

My voice is too small—too shocked to see him after five long years. He mirrors my sheer surprise.

His voice states my name almost too formally, "Anastasia Steele."

We don't dare blink.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **Kindness**

"Anastasia Steele."

After all these years, he still is the same robot. I only saw him again for just fifteen seconds and he seems to be the same robotic older brother Mia has. Mia. Mia. I haven't thought of her for ages. This has been the first time she flew across my mind. The way Christian looks at me right now is as if he knows that I am thinking about how his sister is doing.

"My little sister is doing fine. After three years of studying acting in Juilliard, she just ended up as a housewife of a phone manufacturer CEO."

He may sound pretty monotonous but I can sense that there is a hint of disappointment there. Even I myself didn't expect Mia to be somebody's wife especially since we are only twenty three years old. She used to tell me that she'll enjoy her twenties traveling different countries while promoting her blockbuster films and now she's a housewife. Did she get pregnant accidentally? Was she forced into this?

The atmosphere has turned quiet between Christian and me so it's very audible when my stomach starts to grumble. Christian's brow raises and he asks me full of concern but still in a businessman-like manner, "Have you eaten lunch, Anastasia?"

"No and you don't have to worry because I am not hungry."

Tummy growls louder this time and he shoots me a disapproving look.

"Let me take you to lunch," he doesn't ask me. It was a demand.

"Christian—"

"I am not taking no for an answer, Anastasia. You are obviously hungry. You look very pale right now so let me just take you to lunch." I nod at that since I know how he is. Christian never accepts the word 'no' especially when he thinks he is right. It's no wonder why he's such an expert in negotiation and persuasive communication.

I return _The Aviator_ back to its position before promising that I'll come back for it as soon as I get things figured out. I follow after Christian and he walks very fast—as if every second is one dollar to lose. I half-run behind him all the way out of the store. He leads me to his car and my jaw just drops. It's none other than the silver Aston Martin. I breathe out a sigh of wonder.

Five years of not seeing each other? Anastasia Steele is a loser while Christian Grey has become a master.

He opens the door of the backseat for me and I get inside. He follows after and we take a ride off to somewhere I don't know. He has his own personal driver which he never had before. By the looks of it, Christian became a tycoon. He wouldn't have any of these if he isn't. I know he came from a very prominent family but he's always been the type who wants succeed all by himself. He craves all the credits and I know that he really became the man he dreamed to become.

The car ride is pretty awkward. This is the thing about spending some time with Christian. Back in the old days, we had some moments when we were alone and we just don't talk. I find him to be the most intimidating person ever. We would stand right next to each other without saying anything and it would be really awkward. He just seems to be very distant. He's trapped in his own world I envisioned as nothing but a cloth of black since I know nothing about his mind. He is never the typical big brother type who would pick on younger girls. He would read the whole day and by reading, it's not novels but science or history books. That's who he is. No wonder why his relationships only lasted for two months maximum. A person as intimidating as he is will marry his career forever and ever.

I used to spend a lot of time at Mia's mansion of a home during high school and I would stare at Nathaniel reading a book about the Dark Ages while walking down their hall which reminded me of _The Shining_.

Christian is an enigma. That's just it. He is a mystery I could never solve.

The car stops by in front of a European restaurant and I can already feel myself drooling. I thank his driver before stepping out of the car with Nathaniel holding the door open for me. My hands find their way to my noisy stomach as my eyes dart in front of a castle-like designed restaurant before me. Everything screams European and I can tell that this is going to cost a lot. I bet a hundred dollars is just one coin for him so maybe I should order whatever I want?

"Shall we go inside, Anastasia?" He asks ceremoniously and I give him a nod.

Christian's being the usual gentleman that he is. He opens the door for me and pays back the same respect for the servers working inside. My jaw drops as we get inside. This isn't just an ordinary restaurant. This is something else. The place is very artistic as there are different paintings hanging by the walls and there are all created by different European artists. The round chairs and tables are an imitation of the Roman Colosseum and the servers are writing their notepads on Greek pillars. I am guessing that it's a doric kind of architecture. I am not so sure. The entire atmosphere smells delightful and I lose track that I don't remember how I am now sitting across Nathaniel.

A server is waiting for our order and all I want is to ask him if I could have a job here since this is so different compared to the diner I worked in. I don't gamble but I'd bet that they have the biggest tips.

"What do you want to eat, Anastasia?"

"I'll have whatever you are having."

Christian's face is emotionless when he informs, "I already ate."

My eyes widen, "So you're just going to watch me eat?"

"I'll talk while watching."

Okay . . . This is weird.

"What are you going to eat?" He asks again.

"Just the food you always order here."

He nods quickly telling the server, "We'll have Istrian Gnocchi with truffle cream, Telesko vareno, and choux a la crème."

I don't know what he's talking about but they sure sound dainty. The server takes note and Christian gives him a brief nod before he walks out of our sight. Then reality sinks in. It's just me and him, face to face. We never talked like real friends in the past and I want to ask myself why I am here with him except for the fact that I am hungry. The tension is rising between us. The two of us are just looking at each other without words being spoken. The look on his eyes remains a mystery.

Christian clears his throat and breaks the ice by asking, "How have you been?"

"Just okay," I lie.

"Is there any chance you could elaborate?"

I take a deep breath before saying, "Well, I never went to Juilliard because . . . well, you know why. I am sure your father told you. I am currently unemployed and I never finished college because of what happened. I just needed to support my family now, and that support means financial."

He gives me a brief nod, "I am so sorry to hear about your getting fired."

"Yeah, I was currently looking for a job just this morning before we saw each other and wow! You just look so handsome, Christian. It's like you never aged! Enough about me! I want to hear about you. How have you been for the past five years?"

"I already have my own airline company and it's currently available in forty seven states. My goal before the year ends is that my company would be available in all states and by the following year it will reach international success."

"Uhm . . . not to be rude or anything but I didn't ask about your company. I asked about _you_. How are you, Christian?"

With the same usual tone, he answers, "I am my airline company."

I am not surprised. "What's the name of the airline company?"

"Tigris-Euphrates Airlines"

"You own that?"

He nods proudly and I gulp. Look at him. The years have been good to him and here I am so full of misery. If Mia had everything in life then why can't he? He's her brother and it's no shock that he could have the finer things in life.

Changing the topic, he clears his throat, "I don't mean to pry but I am just curious, why didn't you contact us for the past five years? Mia was devastated."

I wince at the mention of her name.

"C-can we talk about it some other time?"

He doesn't say anything even though he looks like he's disagreeing.

I am about to explain but the server arrives with the food he ordered and this is pretty fancy. As soon as it's served on the table I don't waste any time at all. I don't even care if people will think that I don't have any dining etiquette. I am very hungry and this kind soul of an old friend brought me to this restaurant I never thought I would have eaten in. It's funny how time works. In matter of seconds or minutes or hours, a twist just happens and that twist is something you least expect.

I am not eating. I am devouring.

My eyes glance to his dusty grey ones and I can't seem to read the expression he has. Of all the times, he finally tries to become an open book; I am still finding it hard to comprehend all the words written in his mind. He just seems so lost in thought.

"Is there something wrong?"

He doesn't answer after a short five seconds. Shaking his head, he assures me, "Nothing is wrong, Anastasia. I'm just wondering about what you're planning to do after."

"I am going to search for another job."

He nods slowly and I don't waste my time trying to guess what he's thinking. I am focused on my food right now, utterly starving. We don't say anything else while I'm eating. I don't care if he's watching me.

As soon as I'm already done, I thank him from the bottom of my heart and his cold façade has returned. He snaps his fingers for the server and I am certain that he paid a lot for the food I just ate and he gave him three hundred dollars just for a tip. He's pretty generous . . . obviously.

"Shall we go?"

I nod and I follow his lead as we walk out of the restaurant. Everybody's been really kind and I almost forget that I've been job hunting under the heat of the sun an hour ago. He still opens the door for me and he stands in front of his silver Aston Martin, back pressed against it, hands inside the pockets of his Armani charcoal pants. He puts on his sunglasses and he's a figure cut straight from a GQ magazine cover. He's really handsome.

Clearing my throat, I start to say goodbye, "Thank you so much, Christian. It was nice seeing you again and thank you for the food. Thank you very much. I should go now and—"

"You are hired."

Wait . . . "What?"

"You don't have to find a job anymore. You are my personal assistant from now on, okay? You report tomorrow."

I can't move. "Are you serious?"

He nods.

"Are you serious?"

He nods again.

"Are you really serious?!"

He looks away now, "Of course, I am."

His grey eyes meet my blue ones and they've been attached for almost a minute before I screamed on top of my lungs and danced and danced around the place. The people passing by think I am completely insane but I don't care. I have a job now. I have a job and that's more than enough. I dance like there is no tomorrow.

I shimmied like Beyonce.

I rode a horse like PSY.

I do the moonwalk like Michael Jackson.

And when I looked at Christian, I saw the impossible . . . He smiled. _Nathaniel smiled_. And it's the best thing he ever wore.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Proposal

Life is the most unpredictable. Just when you move upward, you are pulled into this downward spiral and as you sink, you are being pulled up again. As of the moment I am the latter and I will enjoy this before I hit rock bottom in the time I least expect.

Dressed in my formal pink attire, I look like Umbridge on her first day at Hogwarts. I seriously don't like what I'm wearing but I seem to have no choice since Elizabeth just stole most of my dresses and she was nowhere to be found this morning. When I get the opportunity to talk to my little sister for some time I am going to give her a sermon about our current economic state and how she must stop having the illusions of being a rich teenage girl.

My feet freeze as soon as I stand up in front of a very tall white building with a name emphasized in all capital letters, TIGRIS-EUPHRATES AIRLINES.

I close my eyes. I smile. I feel my hair dancing with the wind. _This is it_.

I know I never dreamed of having this job but just the thought that this has been given to me on a silver platter just makes me feel really appreciative. Working with Christian, I think, will not be like working with my previous bosses. With this job I think I'll have the time to spare for auditions and even though Christian may be too cold on the outside, I know that he cares for me in a way that he won't express verbally. The smile he gave to me yesterday was the proof.

 _His smile_

 _Oh my God! His smile!_

 _Anastasia, stop fangirling over your new boss! It's super unprofessional._

I take a deep breath before finally entering the building and I just wow at everything I am seeing inside. The interior is in black and white aesthetics and everybody inside just looks very immaculate with their corporate attires. The marbled walls are accompanied by abstract paintings of the sky and airplanes. The floor is too shiny that I can almost see my very pink reflection.

"Good morning! May I ask where Christian Grey's office is?"

"And you are?" The receptionist eyes me from head to toe.

"I am his new personal assistant, Anastasia Steele."

"Oh it's you. Just go to the top floor. The elevator's over there." Her arms extend towards my right side and I give her a sweet smile before going to that direction. Everyone here just seems so intimidating and high fashioned. They seem to be very engrossed with whatever they are doing right now. I don't really know much about airplanes and travelling industry but I know I am not here for it. I'm here to serve Christian some coffee or clean his desk or buy him something he needs? Well, I don't know but at least it's not something about airplanes.

After reaching the top floor, I am welcomed by a middle aged woman dressed in a white office suit. She has that very comforting smile that just makes you trust her immediately.

"Good morning! You must be Anastasia Steele, Mr. Grey's new personal assistant?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" I confirm while shaking hands with her.

"You don't have to call me 'Ma'am', sweetie. My name is Paulina but you can just call me Paula. I am Mr. Grey's secretary ever since he started this company two years ago. Truth to be told, he's the most organized man on earth so I got surprised why he hired a new personal assistant but don't you worry, okay? Your job is not going to be difficult. Just sit down the leather couch and wait for him to call you."

"Where is he right now?"

"He is in the conference room on the ninth floor talking to some clients from Rhode Island. He's been preparing for this."

"Oh" I don't know what else to say so I just sit down the couch as she instructed.

This hasn't been what I expected. I sort of thought that Christian will leave me very busy. Last night before I slept, I imagined that I would be like Anne Hathaway juggling a lot of work at the same time and Christian would the Merryl Streep kind of boss who only speaks one word and never ever smiles. Well, this new job doesn't _seem to be the "The Devil wears Armani_ " I envisioned.

An hour has passed. Two hours. Three hours. I am still doing nothing. Paula is concentrating on her computer screen but I don't hesitate to disturb her. I stand right next to her before asking some questions.

"Hey Paula? Didn't Chris—uhm. . . Sir Grey left me with any job?"

Still looking at the screen, she answers curtly, "Nope."

"Okay so what shall I do?"

Responding absently, "Just wait."

"Okay so . . . what are you doing?"

I get no answer for five minutes as all I hear is the loud sound of the keyboard. I know she's sending an e-mail to a lot of people but I just need something to talk about. This has made me really bored. I can honestly find some place to audition right now.

Paula releases a very long sigh as she finally stops typing. She takes off her glasses before yawning. She's smiling at me right now questioning, "What were you asking me about? I'm sorry I was so caught up with work."

"Oh . . . uhm . . . what time can I go out?"

"You're off eight in the evening."

"Oh?"

"Yes, that's what he said to me."

"Okay." Weird. Isn't that too late? Ugh! _Anastasia, you've been given this relaxing job randomly so count this as a blessing and don't complicate things, okay?_

Unexpectedly Christian ambles his way to our direction with a bunch of corporate men surrounding him. They are all discussing some stuffs about profit, marketing, procedure, and other words I rarely use. I know he's currently at work— _we_ are currently at work but I can't help but think how he walks like a supermodel with his black suit and tousled black hair.

"Good morning!" Paula seems pretty enthusiastic.

I add, "Good morning!"

Christian stops walking causing the others to relent talking as well. He looks at me with his usual facial expression before commanding, "Miss Steele, please get us cups of coffee. No sugar."

Miss Steele? He never calls me that. Oh right! I am an employee and he is my employer!

"Not a problem, Mr. Grey. How many would that be?"

"Just six"

I nod, "Just six"

He proceeds walking then and everybody follows. I am staring at him now and he just seems to be the boss and if they are clients and he needs to impress them, then I know he can get them since he is no other than Christian Grey. There is no other guy like him. I don't move until the glass door is slammed ajar.

Aside from delivering six cups of coffee which they never even took a sip of because they were too engrossed with their own business, I didn't do anything else. I just wait and wait outside until he needs me. I try my hardest not to sleep. I should have brought a magazine or something just to keep my eyes open. My phone's kind of outdated. You know Nokia 3310? Yup, that's my phone.

The clock strikes eight p.m. and I can't fathom how I survived the first day. Well, it isn't much of a survival challenge. I just sat, served coffee, ate my meals and stared at the clock the whole day but I get money for it.

"How was your first day, Anastasia?"

"Very relaxing, Paula, thank you for asking. Are you going home now?"

"Yes, it has been a pretty stressful day just facing the computer."

"Oh . . . uhm . . . how about Mr. Grey? Is he coming home too?"

She rolls her eyes, "I don't know about him, dear. He is pretty focused on work and there are nights when he doesn't sleep. I try to warn him about it but he just doesn't listen at all."

I look at the closed door in front of me, my heart beating fast. Why am I worried about him already? I turn to look at Paula and tell her that I am going to just say goodbye to Christian. She nods before hurrying to leave since she has kids waiting for her at home.

Glancing at the clock, it's already 8:03 p.m. so I gather all my courage to open the door to his office room. It's pretty spacious inside and it's not lively. There is a white couch and some professional photographs featuring an airplane displayed in some places. The window exposes New Jersey during night time. In the middle of the room is Christian looking dishevelled while typing something in his laptop.

How can he still look so handsome despite being untidy?

Shaking those irrational thoughts, I come near him and ask, "Christian, are you okay? It's late. Have you already eaten dinner?"

"Hmmmm . . ." I roll my eyes obviously knowing that he hasn't thought of eating. He's not even looking at me.

I head downstairs to check if Mr. George from the pantry is still around. Thankfully he's there and there is still chicken salad left just enough for me and him. I take it and get back to his office room. His hair is pointing at all the directions and he doesn't have his coat and tie on. It's just his white shirt with two unbuttoned ones. He looks so stressed that it's bothering me.

"Christian, eat dinner with me?"

"I can't, Miss Steele. I am currently on—"

I don't know what possessed me to do so but I shut his laptop bravely that it shocked him too.

He is about to get angry with me so I'm the first one to say, "It's 8:30 in the evening which means that you need to eat dinner and I am just Ana and not your personal assistant named Miss Steele."

He's about to argue but he just takes a deep breath before giving in, "Fine!"

I smile at that. I sit right across him while he puts his laptop aside taking the chicken salad from my hands. He is eating it the same manner I did just yesterday. I can't even start chewing my own food because all I can do is watch him intake his dinner vigorously. It is pantry food but he acts like a man trapped in a desert, desperate for a drop of water.

It dawns on me: I guess we're not that different.

While eating in a slow motion, my eyes travel through the different picture frames placed on top of his mahogany table. There are pictures of his parents but most pictures of himself traveling to different countries. The biggest frame is his photo standing right next to a travel plane. The next photo in line takes my breath away. I wasn't prepared to see this.

It's Mia with her husband and son. Her husband's pretty skinny and he's got a lot of tattoos. He's not Mia's type at all. But Mia? She looks genuinely happy.

Christian's done with his dinner so he drinks a glass of water before stating, "You're staring at Mia's photo?"

"Yes, I am." I don't even recognize my own voice.

"Can you tell me now? Can you tell me why you shut us out?" It never fails to amuse me how he still sounds like a businessman in a job interview even when he's discussing personal matters.

"You know why."

"Why?" He presses.

"I was a parasite."

He's taken aback by my answer; he almost looks like it got him troubled. While me? I just look down the floor. I feel the tears welling up my eyes as I finally visit the happenings five years ago. It was when little Ben was born and his mother died out of childbirth. There was something wrong with his lungs and they needed to take him to the operating room. We didn't have any dime as Dad just lost his job and my mother drowned in her debts. That's when I talked to Christian and Mia's father about converting the whole Juilliard fund into cash. It was hundred-thousands of dollars and they were spent on Ben's medical recovery. We were able to pay some of my mother's debts but not all. Life was too hard during that time so I decided to stop going to college.

What's worst was that everybody thought that it was just a financial problem so I had no right to be depressed since we were a complete family. People seem to underestimate financial problems. To lack yourself of the world means to sacrifice some of your biggest dreams—to live in uncertainty, and to feel every ounce of your self-esteem evaporate. Life went downhill and Mia became too difficult to stand with, not because there's something wrong with her. That is something wrong with her! Nothing. And me? My life is all wrong. That's why I went my way.

Suddenly Christian's smooth hands reach out to pull my chin up so our eyes can make contact. The two of us are in a staring contest right now and his thumb brushes away my tears. He's just so different to the usual Christian.

He is showing sympathy and anger and kindness and sadness, all at the same time. I guess it's all or nothing when it comes to him. With his firm voice, he threatens, "Don't you ever call yourself that, Anastasia! You are more than that! Don't ever do that again or else I would burn all your CD's and DVD's."

As his thumb touch my cheek, I feel something strange . . . a jolt of electricity passing through my veins.

I start to laugh then to distract myself. This is completely out of character for him. I start to laugh enough to put a halt to my tears. I don't know what just happened. Who am I talking to right now? Yes, he's very serious and he's still not smiling but he's not a robot anymore. He's showing me something . . . and this is rare.

My attention is quickly stolen by the yellow lights illuminating by the window. I stand up to move closer to it, completely indulging my eyes in the bright lights putting colours to a supposedly black and white city. The lights are too bright: white, yellow, and orange. We're on the top floor which makes me appreciate the scenery even more.

It doesn't take long for Christian to stand right next to me, mimicking my stature. Now we are looking at the lights below.

This is the first moment Christian and I talked. Like really talked.

I press my forehead against the glass of the window before expressing, "Mia seems pretty happy with her marriage."

He says something that draws my attention and makes me praise him.

"Aren't all marriages like that in the beginning?"

I look at him incredulously, admiring how real he truly is about this world.

Christian continues, "It's like doing something you love the most not thinking of the consequences and before you know it, you are already in prison; jailed for the rest of your life. The only way out would be a piece of paper but it will leave a mark on you. Therefore I conclude that Mia is happy _for now_."

For years I've wanting to tell this secret to someone, but I have always been afraid that they will judge me as a worldly human being. But looking at Christian right now, his grey eyes mixing with the yellow lights, I am certain that I could trust him.

"Can I tell you something?"

"What?"

"If I were to marry someone, I wouldn't want to marry for love. Love is love but it doesn't come in full package. It doesn't come with trust, respect, or security. It cannot withstand the dark sides of this world. If I am going to get married then I would marry because of security mainly because we only have one life to live and we shall live that life fully accepting what the world has to offer."

It's his turn to light up right now.

There he goes again . . . he is smiling. And there my stomach goes again . . . the butterflies dancing.

He agrees, "You are definitely correct! You know what? No one ever said that to me. You just said what's on my mind. Anastasia, you are one smart girl. You have bedazzled me with your views. Like you I never agreed with what society does. We all marry for love but if it really works out that way then why does divorce exist? Then people would expect men and women, just because we have genitals, then we have to reproduce. We must go beyond that. We must explore the world and everything in it. We must get it as long as we can. There's more to life than having kids and comforting yourself by saying that money doesn't matter that much and shit because money fucking matters!"

I smirk, "You are correct! You are absolutely correct with that! You've just earned my respect!"

"You did the same with me, Anastasia."

I could never get tired of looking at his smile.

He adds up, "This company is everything to me. It is my pride and joy. I don't want to end up as a mediocre man, so I promised to be someone in this world where we could easily be no one. There are times when I get lonely and I just need someone but I know I am emotionally detached so if I try to put love in the equation then things would just crumble down. After all, what kind of woman doesn't want children?"

"The kind of woman who has experienced pain," I tell him solemnly and he becomes speechless. So I add, "To be honest with you, I get lonely too. No man is an island, Christian. We got to have a companion when we grow old, even just one companion because the world may be full but sometimes it's just not enough. But I don't want kids. Ever. I don't want to witness an innocent being awaken in a paradoxical universe. I don't want my son or daughter to experience all the pain I've felt. I just don't want them to realize how unfair everything is on earth. I'd rather carry my own burden and not anyone else."

I know I sound so mean and cold but Christian's grey eyes transfixed on me like I am the most honourable woman he ever met. We just look into each other's eyes, relieved to find out that there is someone like us in this world.

I was right.

We weren't that different.

Meeting him in the movie store or him giving me a job wasn't the twist I never expected. It was the three words he articulated after the comforting silence.

"Marry me, Anastasia."

The whole world stops and I don't even notice the busy street below us anymore.

So he repeats, "Marry me, Anastasia."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I don't say yes. I don't say no. Matters like these aren't decided in just one second or overnight. I told him that I will just think about it and I won't ever forget the way his grey eyes sparkled when he pleaded, still sounding like a businessman trying to convince his client, "Think about it, Anastasia. You and I share the same views and we don't want our life to be complicated yet we still don't want to be alone forever. This is the most convenient arrangement for us."

One week has passed since that night he stunned with his proposition. My job has been too easy since all he needs me to do is to just get some papers for him or prepare some coffee during meetings. I try to avoid him as much as I can since it's evident how eager he is about the whole proposition.

The thing I don't like most is that I want to say yes and no at the same time. I am caught in this tug-of-war of tying the knot or tying the 'not'.

Should I consider it? Yes, I do because it was a one in a million chance to meet someone who shares the same views as I do. Even though he and I know it, he never said that my perception's too worldly and financially practical. We both know that baring too much emotion makes you lose all control and vulnerability strikes. Marrying him would be a great choice since he has worked to a point that he can support himself for a hundred lifetimes, and whatever I'm encountering now? Whatever my mother is going through? It will stop because I will be Mrs. Christian Grey.

On the other hand, what's gonna happen to my family? I know that my aspirations in life are too materialistic, but I am not that heartless to just leave them alone while I enjoy the rest of my life spending money with Christian. _The rest of my life_. Will I be willing to spend that with him? Will everything he has earned be enough so that I can vow to be with him until we die?

It's my day off today and I spend most of my time sleeping. I swear I've been really slothful lately. Work makes me really sleepy and the apartment makes me sleepier. I have been applying for multiple auditions from here and there, but they don't call me as promised. It's okay though; I still have faith that one day I will be a famous Hollywood actress and have my own Oscar award.

Mom and Dad are making it impossible for my head to clear out the topic of marriage. I cover my face with my ten year old pillow as they scream on top of their lungs about the things they have been fighting about for too long.

"Here we go again," I mutter. Even with the door closed I can still hear them clear as day. Mom and Dad fight for about ten times average in one year. It's sure not that too many but they're yelling to the extremes. I can almost feel myself getting deaf. Even when they don't fight, their lack of interest with each other makes it palpable for me that they are not in love anymore.

Just like what Christian said, "It's only happy in the beginning."

"Why can't you just find your own job, huh? I didn't even know why I married a loser like you! You make me feel disgusted with myself! Get out of this apartment! Get out! You have done nothing but leech off Anastasia so get the hell out!"

"No, you go out! Just because you clean this hellish place doesn't mean that you don't leech off Anastasia too. You are disgusted of me? Please! Bitch, I am more disgusted of you. In fact, I am so grossed out that I want to puke every time I see you. Get out now! Get out of this apartment and bring all of your debts with you!"

They continue to fight like that while I begin to think about Christian. Will we be like that when we get married? Of course, we won't. We neither love nor hate each other so there is no reason for arguing. What Christian and I have is sort of platonic. Things are going smoothly for us and we're just chilling as we travel across the world and grow old without ever worrying about why our kids never call us anymore. Where there is money and no emotions involved then peace follows. I guess that works for marriage.

I don't know how long I've been staring at the dusted wooden ceiling of my room. I am currently lost in the idea of being with him. When I am not really into one guy then I would act like a cavegirl since I beg them to stay away from me and infest their bacteria on others.

With Christian though, it's different. It's not because he defines the security I require before getting married, but because I have known him for years and I still have to know more about him in the years to come. Christian is . . . bearable.

The watch tells me that it's already 8:10 p.m. and I am sure that Christian still hasn't come home. His whole life is his career in managing his airline, and my whole life revolves around my unending dream of being a film actress. What could possibly go wrong with the two of us?

Grabbing my old phone, I send him a text message.

Me: can we meet?

Him: of course, we can. See you at the park. – CHRISTIAN GREY, ceo of tigris-euphrates airlines

I don't really give much effort on my appearance as I let my hair fall all the way to my waist and put on a white shirt and faded denim. He gives me $150 per week and I'm sure I can spare some for myself to shop for designer outfits actresses should wear. I am all set to go as I wear my khaki trench coat. The apartment is quiet and I am glad that no one's there to ask where I'm about to go.

The park is just near and there are still a lot of people but Christian's very easy to spot among the sea of different faces. I smile to myself as he stands waiting for me. He still looks very fresh and of course, he's still in his suit and tie. His posture is incredible and he beats me to it. I am more kind of the slouching girl and he seems to be more prim and proper than I should be.

He turns to look at my direction and acknowledges me by raising his brows.

So serious. Where's that smile I adore?

When I am finally standing in front of him, he greets, "Good evening, Anastasia. It's really nice to see you." Geez, when we get married, is he still going to be this formal?

"Uhm . . . so yeah, thanks for meeting me here, Christian."

"What's this meeting about?" His hands inside his pockets make him more intimidating so I finally say what's on my mind.

"What's with all the formality, Christian? It is creeping me out! Come on! Let go! Let loose! Just talk to me as if we are old friends in a park and not inside a conference room. You just have to relax even for once."

He turns serious and he gazes at me, "Am I being formal?"

I just raise my brow at that. I know I am being annoying but I smile now that he is smiling. He almost looks like he is going to laugh. Almost.

"Anastasia, I am so sorry about that. It's just that I've been spending so much time on work that I forget that everyone's not talking about new proposals and projects. So uhm . . . are you feeling hungry? Don't worry; I won't take you to a formal expensive five star restaurant. Perhaps let me buy you chips?"

We are going to talk about a proposition, Christian and if you are too formal then I'd get very intimidated and kind of scared about the whole idea so just find some way to be relaxed, okay? I just nod at his offer. There is a store right across the park and he buys the chocolate chips for me while he only gets himself a soda. I eat as slow as my feet are walking back to the park.

The two of us sit on the swings watching other people create the definition of what this night would mean to them.

I guess it's now time to talk about it.

This is what makes life, right? The most insane decisions we make.

"Christian? I am considering the proposition but I am a little confused here."

His aura turned bright and he only has that expression when he had a good meeting with a client in his office, "What about it, Anastasia? What do you want to know about it? I would be more than willing to expound it for you."

"What's it gonna be? It's like a short-term thing? Is it like we have to pretend in front of everybody? What about my family? Are we going to get divorced?"

As if he has taken note of all my questions, he responds graphically, "It's going to be the most peaceful life, Anastasia. It will be unlike any other marriages where people would have a whirlwind of feelings and bad decisions. We will be very organized as we will exercise control over all things. We will have no children, and like we said before, we will take advantage of the world. So it's a marriage which defines all the worldly things. It will be without any romantic feelings. It will just be this platonic connection we have right now, so that means we will have no forms of stress.

No, it won't be short-term, Anastasia. I am already thirty years old and you don't know how long I've waited for someone like you to come into my life and say the words I never would have said out loud. We have that similarity which we don't want to invest too much emotion in this world but we still don't want to end up alone. It will only be a short-term marriage if one of us falls in love, and I'm sure that won't happen.

Yes, we have to pretend in front of everybody. I like people talking about how successful I have transformed into but I don't like magazines and tabloid papers pairing me with women I don't even know. If I have a wife and if my marriage appears to be too formal and boring for Hollywood then I would just be the businessman impressing people with brilliance and eloquence and not because of useless personal information.

About your family? Before I talk about them, let me talk about you first. When we get married, everything I have becomes yours too. Apart from a shared bank account, each of us will have individual ones as well. One fact about me is that I am into career focused women so if you want to make something of yourself, which I am sure you will, I'm going to stand by you. Regarding your family, I will clear all your mother's remaining debts and I would give your father a job. I know he barely made it to high school so I am going to find a job suited for him. They are not forgotten in this proposition, Anastasia. I know you and I have always known that you will never leave them despite everything.

Last question you have, the divorce . . . like I said, it's only going to end if one of us falls in love."

My eyes pierce through every angle of his face, almost going over his soul. He makes me analyse the situation. His proposition awakens me, not because it's something so rare and strange, but because for the first time ever, I feel like I am in control. Years I have spent adjusting to life, but now life's going to adjust for me. If he were someone else, then he'd treat me like a servant, but he is Christian. He has been someone I've known of for a long time and I am sure that he could never abuse my physically and emotionally.

Speaking of physical . . .

"You look like you are still confused. What are you going to ask me now?" It comforts me that he seems to be less than formal. Casual and Christian Grey are exact antonyms but I am glad that he is trying for me.

"Uhm . . ."

"Why are you red, Anastasia?" Am I?

"Are we going to . . . eeeehhhhh?"

"Eeeeehhhh?"

"Are we going to . . . eeeehhhhh?"

"What's 'eeeeeehhhh'?"

Really? I blurt out, "Are we going to have sex?"

I look down the ground and he doesn't say a word. I pretend that counting the pieces of grass is my new hobby and all I want to do is run away, but he does the unimaginable for someone like him.

He laughs. HE LAUGHS. His smile is the best sight in the world so I am not surprise that his laughter is the best sound.

I turn to gape at him and he really is laughing, with his whole body shaking as if I was the best comedienne he ever heard a joke from. He's beet red and it's getting contagious. The two of us just laugh together over and over again and I don't even know why. All I know is that I have never laughed like this in the past five years and maybe he hasn't laughed since . . . Mrs. Grey gave birth to him.

When seriousness finally takes over he clears his throat and gives me an answer, "Of course, we will have sex, Anastasia. It will be like a real marriage except for the love involved. And if you come to think about it, sex is one of the worldly things offered. Everything that gives pleasure we should consider."

Well . . . I . . . I can't even construct sentences in my head right now.

"Are you a virgin?" He is back to his formal self.

I nod.

He replies, "I see nothing wrong with that."

I give him a shy smile, "I don't know . . . uhm . . ."

Thankfully he is not making things more awkward for me. He just remains patient and understanding, the usually calm Ezekiel that I've always known.

I state lamely, "You are not a virgin."

"I am not," he confirms.

"Yeah . . ."

"May I ask you why you never did the eeeeehhh? Do you stand by that no sex before marriage law?"

I smile at how he used my original term, "No, I don't. Frankly I have lost the will to stand up for something I believed in. I gave up my social life all because I had to be the best in multitasking. I've spent the past years worrying about my family first more than I did for myself. The only thing that makes me want to continue living is the hope that I can be the actress I want to be. Do you know how it feels like to lose hope during those random days?"

He answers, "It's like all you want to do is sleep because it's the only time when you'll feel numb. Losing hope means not being bothered of the thought that you might not wake up tomorrow."

It dawns on me that _he just gets me_. This is getting really creepy and I would have accused him of being a stalker for saying all the things contained by my mind. How does he do this? It's almost like we met in another life and we're reuniting after being separated by realms. You seldom find people who just understand you for being who you are. It's either you have it and never let it go or wait for it until you've reached your grave.

What scares me is that Christian doesn't only speak what's on my mind;

He speaks for my soul.

I don't know where his grey eyes are attached to but he shares solemnly, "That's what I felt before I finally established Tigris-Euphrates Airlines. I felt like I have no purpose in this world and if ever happiness finds me, guilt would always outweigh it. I just thought that I don't deserve to feel okay and that suffering just became my constant companion. When you get used to feeling pained, you'll associate the words _happiness_ and _limit_ together. That's what I felt."

I don't understand him. How can a Grey have suffering as a constant companion?

There he smiles again, "But I have tea now so . . ."

"Tea? How did we get to tea?"

He smiles, "An abbreviation. **T** igris- **E** uphrates **A** irlines."

I am impressed, "That's cool!"

The two of us turn silent and he is back to his usual pokerface.

I think about all of it:

Sacrificing Juilliard

A fresh start for my family

Controlling my life for the first time

Experiencing luxury

Be a Grey

Most of all, how he just gets me

I finally put a start into the twist in my life, "I am gonna marry you, Christian."

He looks at me in an instance, giving me a little smile, "You are going to marry me?"

"I will."

Christian gives me the widest smile, "Thank you for accepting the proposition, Miss Steele."

"Miss Dalton? You really are crazy, Christian! We are gonna get married so you don't have to address me all too lawfully. And you can't call me Anastasia since everybody calls me that. People must think that this is special, right? As long as there are no people speculating then we'll live in peace."

He frowns (for the first time), "Babe? Honey? Love? Sweetheart?"

The way he says these customary endearments makes him want to vomit. It's just another trait we share. I don't like those words too. I think that they are too overrated. I want to keep it cool and unique at the same time.

"I have an idea."

"What? Baby? Wifey? Hubby?"

I give him a grossed out look before saying, "I don't want anything cheesy yet I don't want anything too casual especially since we are 'engaged' now. You call me Ana and I call you Christian. Ana and Christian. It just fits."

He sounds very impressed.

"Okay then . . . Ana. It doesn't make me cringe so I find this adequate."

"Ditto, Christian."

He raises his brow then asks me out of the blue, "What's your dream proposal?"

"Huh?" Why does he want to know about that?

"We need to tell something to our families, Ana. We need to have a synchronized story."

Oh right . . . our families. We will have to explain it to them . . . to Mia.

I don't dwell on her for now. Centring on Kiel I give him my casual response, "I just want a silly and unexpected proposal. Not the traditional cheesy ones."

"Me too," Christian expressed.

It's official. The two of us are engaged.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 6**

 **Show**

Christian is in Morocco for three days. Even though his airline is still unavailable in three more states, he has garnered the attention of another country and it's from a different continent! I swear he will always be in a good mood if his company will continue on being this triumphant.

Should I feel bad for wanting to check on him? I know we don't have that kind of engagement where we could be so lovey-dovey and concerned about each other but I just can't help but feel the urge to ask him if he's okay, or if the negotiation is going the same way he wants it to. I want him to be the most victorious man he can be, not because I'd gain profit from it, but because I know how it feels like to have suffering as a constant companion and I don't want him to experience that anymore.

I think my being concerned is more of as a friend. That's what we are: friends. We are friends who are about to get married and life couldn't get easier than that.

Me: yo! How's it going there?

Him: morocco's fine. We are talking about future preferences and possibilities of this client choosing my airline company. – CHRISTIAN GREY, tigris-euphrates airlines ceo

Me: yeah . . . just concerned as a friend!

Him: :) – CHRISTIAN GREY, tigris-euphrates airlines ceo

As he sends me the smiley emoticon, my mind drifts back to the sight of him sharing me his signature smile. There's just a unique factor when his red lips stretches and forms into a very vibrant smile and it gets even better when it reaches his grey eyes. It seems like a fashion GIF when he runs his fingers through his perfect tousled hair while laughing.

"Why do you have that weird look on your face?!" Elizabeth is really suspicious.

"What?"

"You've been smiling while staring at your phone, Ana. Oh my goodness! Do you have a boyfriend now?!"

"Kind of?" She gets more intrigued but I choose to run to my room. I don't want my family to know about our arrangement yet. I just want this proposition to take them by storm. They are going to be shocked and my father will be very interrogative, but they're going to be so grateful for it.

Why? They're going to live in stability and I'm going to have freedom from their burden.

The following day arrives and it means that I have to head to work now. He's finally arriving and that means that I really do have a job to act upon. I've been assisting Paula for the past three days even when she doesn't need assistance. So I choose to use my time wisely by auditioning for a few roles that can be my breakthrough performance. It was a huge bummer when they told me I had the part but I have to strip off my clothes for a magazine cover. I can't get the role without that so I didn't accept it. If I were to be naked, I would do it for the purpose of art and not for anyone's sexual self-satisfaction.

I am presently dressed in my new _Guess_ T-Shirt which I protected from Elizabeth's fashion robber hands. I've learned to lock my room now, not caring that she might need to get something important there. I cannot risk my clothes now. Entering the lobby I see everyone so I smile at all of them. I'm about to say good morning to the receptionist but she's looking at the entrance of the building.

There is Christian walking like a highly trained fashion model. He stands between his two bodyguards and his personal driver, Taylor follows behind them. Everybody greets him with such respect and I find myself imitating everybody but Christian stands before me, his intimidating aura taking effect almost immediately. He is still pretty poised but there is something different.

His eyes are sort of . . . carefree. And they're kind of . . . happy?

"Good morning, Ana." I am not breathing anymore. He is not calling me Miss Steele. I am very speechless so he asks with a smile, "I've missed you." His two bodyguards and Taylor are gaping at him as if there are two extra eyes behind his head. They must be as shocked as I am. Who would have thought that he would act in his most favourite place in the world?

Act.

Right, act!

He's doing this to be believable when we finally tell everyone about our engagement.

"I've missed you too, Christian." I unleash the best actress in me.

He offers his arm and I hook mine with it. They are all staring at us and it's almost like all we need are formal clothes into this red carpet event. His astounding posture, physique signifying bravado and expression back to the usual pokerface one. If he's going to act like a lovesick romantic then people would begin to doubt. Christian should be the kind of romantic who doesn't overdo it. He remains uptight and holding back even when he has feelings; that should be who he is.

However, the two of us are culturally opposites. I don't find hooking arms that natural. I mean it is kind of a natural thing to do, but his arm is too stiff. It's all too . . . business-like and . . . not fiancée-like.

Unhooking my arms with him, I intertwine my fingers with his, filling up the missing blanks in between. A jolt of electricity travels through my veins and my heart is racing. I am looking at his face but he shows no signs of positivity or negativity. Neutral Christian is ever present but all my doubts and insecurities fade when he tightens his grip on my hand, thumb circling just the spot in my wrist.

Remember that scene from _Twilight_ where Edward and Bella show up in school together? Remember all the shocked expressions from the students from Forks High? That's how his workers look like right now. We walk together hand-in-hand, side by side, facing the overwhelming response of the strangers who have nothing to do about us. From the elevator all the way to the top floor, we don't let go.

Paula's daily routine includes greeting Christian in the most cheerful manner but her vocabulary goes non-existent when her eyes dart to our hands holding. Christian gives her a slight nod and when we reach the door to his office he kisses the palm of my hand before saying his temporary goodbye.

I cannot say anything. I cannot move. He just turned me into a statue.

As he finally goes inside, I am left standing with his two bodyguards, Taylor, and Paulina staring at me with matching dropping jaws. They just can't seem to believe their own eyes. I bet in all the years they've know him this is the first time he got showy with another girl. I open my mouth to speak—to beg them not to wonder about it but we all flinch as Paula expresses on top of her lungs.

"I knew it! I knew it! You are never his personal assistant! He just wanted you to sit outside and wait for him until I go home so I don't disturb you banging after eight p.m.! Oh my goodness! How could I have not noticed?! He was bringing his girlfriend here the entire time!"

"Yeah . . . except for the banging part." I lie with discomfort, which makes it more convincing. I do feel discomforted though. I realize that it's not acting anymore.

They seem to have let it go after an hour or so. They just wait for him to voice out some of his orders and I just sit down the leather couch waiting for time to pass. Paula has been eying me and it's creeping me out. I don't blame her though. If I were her I'd be very much enthralled. Christian has never been seen with a woman before and I am sure she had thoughts of his sexuality, but she doesn't have to stare like this. We kind of became friends and I just hope that she'll treat me just the same.

There isn't much anything to do with this job so I just sit down the couch while waiting for time to pass. I plan to talk to him while it's already eight o'clock. We are going to be married friends so I have to say whatever's on my mind. I still find the idea kind of vague, and I still need clarifications. Just because he's the one who thought of this first, doesn't mean he's the only one who does what he wants. I need to tell him what I think of as well.

A businessman is a good listener; that's what makes them succeed. If you don't listen to people's needs and demands then you are better off a consumer. Christian is becoming more successful and successful every passing day and it's because he listens to whatever is needed to say and analyses before agreeing to it or not. He's the most organized man on the planet so I have to tell myself that there is nothing to be frightened of.

After a day of Paula treating me like her boss and not her co-worker, the clock already tells me that it's time to talk to Christian. Paula's already left so I enter his office and like the usual: Christian is looking intensely at his laptop as if his whole life depended on it.

"Christian? Hey, can I talk to you for a second?"

Miraculously he gives me all his attention before saying, "One second is over."

Huh? What?

He flashes me that rare smile when he reveals, "That was a joke. You should be laughing."

I'm confused now, "What? You are joking?"

"Yes, Ana. You asked me to talk to you for a second and one second already passed by so I just thought that it was a clever joke." I feel so much pity for this man. He obviously never met humour. Did he really expect me to get the joke?

Realizing that I am never going to get it, he motions me to sit across him and I do so.

He decides to forget about the failure of a punchline as he asks me with less formality now, "What do you want to talk about?" I am feeling relieved that he is not going businessman mode on me or robot mode, because that would make more uncomfortable.

"I just have a few concerns about this . . . arrangement."

He raises his brow, "What about it?"

"Uhm . . . I just . . . t-there . . . w-when . . . I just . . ."

He is the purification of clarity when he manages to calm me down with just one sentence, "Breathe and tell me all about it."

After inhaling deeply I finally admit, "It's about the eeeehhh thing."

"What about it?" He's back to his businessman demeanour.

"I just feel like . . . a prostitute. I mean I would have everything you have and we would do it and then I would just shop and have all of the things in the world. That just makes me a prostitute, right?" My voice is small now and I don't dare to look at him.

Although my eyes are not attached to his I can still see that he is glaring right now. This is probably the angriest he has been and all the hairs in my skin raise up as his voice almost screams, "Don't you ever call yourself with such a degrading word! You are never like that! The arrangement is not like that! Don't you dare think of it that way!"

"It's just that—"

"No. If I wanted some whore, marriage wouldn't be part of the equation. Don't you get it? All I want is a companion who understands me and it's only you who can do that!"

I finally find the courage to face him and I am not wrong. This is the first time he's ever been mad at me. His face reveals it all. This sounds weird but I'd prefer him to be angry rather than his normal self. At least he is acting human. His anger just revealed a huge part of him. It's unlike the robotic voice and movements.

"Make me understand then," it almost like a command which is an achievement for me.

He takes a deep breath before explaining over his anger, "I am asking you to marry me not because of giving you money in exchange of sex. All I want is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with without taking too many risks."

We are staring into each other's eyes until his anger deflates.

Continuing, "When you fall in love, everything is put at risk: your time, freedom, career, beliefs, plans, and even your own sanity. I don't want to lose any of that. I am not much of a risk taker but I know what risk truly means. It is not all those adrenaline junkie experiences which make you scream on top of your lungs or traveling in places where you might get lost. Risk means having to sacrifice something certain for something very uncertain. You wind up loser or winner. That's it. This marriage between you and me? It's not much of a loss. It's actually the opposite. This is a gain. We will have time for ourselves, we'll have freedom, we support each other with our careers, we already share the same belief, we don't make those couple plans, and we don't go completely insane that we forget about ourselves."

Those words he has spoken digs deeper in me. All of my doubts suddenly go away and I am back to the night when he shockingly asked me to marry him out of the blue.

I voice out my insight, "I get it now, Christian. I get it. There are no attachments involved. It is almost as if we are single but we are married. That sounds . . . insane!"

He smiles now, "Indeed".

Adding up to my thoughts, "I understand where you're coming from. You want to change your life but not completely change it. I had a boyfriend once, you know. I was pissed because I needed to tell him where I go and I always received messages from him asking me about where I was. It felt like there was no freedom. So I understand it now. It's all for security and nothing else. And what I mean by nothing else is that you still respect me as a woman and not . . . not like the degrading term."

He turns really serious but not his usual kind of serious. This seriousness doesn't indicate business at all. It's like he is caring for me from one human being to another. For someone like Christian Grey? It's a big deal.

My cheeks turn red when he takes my hands with his and locks his fingers with mine when he vows, "I won't do the eeeeehhhh with you unless you feel like you are very ready."

"What if I won't be ready forever?"

He is chuckling now and it makes me smile, "Well, I guess I'll stick to my promise still."

Out of curiosity I whisper, "What could trigger our divorce?"

"There are only two reasons for our marriage to end. First is if we fell in love with another person. Second, if we fall in love with each other. I don't see any of the two happening so divorce should be off your mind."

I don't know why but I say nothing to that. What's fascinating is that he is now focusing on my hand which is so unlike him. He stops lacing my fingers with his and traces the lines on my palm. I don't really know what he's thinking since he has _that_ face again.

Turning the atmosphere lighter, I mention, "That was such a stunt you pulled this morning. Saying I got shocked was an understatement."

My disappointment consumes me when he goes back to his usual ways of speaking, "I have to convince people about us."

"Isn't it . . . too soon?" I don't even know when our wedding's going to be but I just think that it's too soon for _Operation Make People Believe in Us_.

"I plan to introduce you to my birthday party next week."

He stops tracing the lines on my palm as I pull it away out of shock.

Christian notices my reaction so he resonates, "It is kind of a small affair. Some close friends will be there and it's going to be a part of charity. I am not really into the social circle kind of life so you don't have to worry about being surrounded by a lot of strangers."

I exclaim, "Why do you think I would worry about that?"

He is confused now, "Isn't that what you're worried about?"

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!"

"What?" He looks . . . alarmed.

"You didn't tell me it's your birthday," my voice is calmer.

"Why do you have to know that?" Why does he sound so . . . scared?

"Don't you realize? We are going to get married so we should know about each other because people are going to ask. We just need basic information from each other. It doesn't have to be that personal. We have to know facts about each other."

He breathes a sigh of relief and gives me a tiny smile, "Oh that! Right!"

"Why were you uncomfortable when I asked you about your birthday?"

"I thought that you are interested in me in a way that I don't ever want you to."

 _What?!_ He was frightened because of that? This man has serious issues!

He sits up straight now before going business-like again, "We really have to know each other again. You made a great point with that. Shall we start knowing facts?"

I decide to let the whole thing about him having issues go and decide on learning about each other.

He's turning thirty four next week and I will turn twenty four next month.

He's a licensed pilot turned airline owner while I never finished college and currently an aspiring actress.

He loves history books while I love Hollywood films.

He learns a lot about me and gets riveted.

I learn about him and I react rivetedly . . . but I'm not sure whether it's because of the arrangement or not.

 **I know that some of you are really confused but it goes like this: a marriage with only ups and with no downs. That's their goal. As for Ana, a life with no downs anymore.**

 **What do you think of this chapter?**

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **Margo.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello! I am so happy with your reviews like you are laughing. I had so much fun writing this. It's not really the most stellar plot out there but it's main objective is to entertain. Here ya go!**

 **Chapter 7**

 **Hope**

It's his birthday tomorrow and I am already nervous. I know you might be thinking that because I am going to be introduced to some elite people as his fiancé, but it's because of Mia. I've been sleeping for nights thinking of the worst case scenarios. This is the scandalous scene happening in Christian's birthday party: _The Mean Girls Jungle Cafeteria Fight._

Mia and I are going to sit on the same table and she is going to act very cold towards me until we fight like wild animals. Christian is going to be like a monkey cheering up as the two of us handle our cold feud with a catfight. Everyone is going to make animal noises too while we pull each other's hair. It's a total fiasco.

"Ana? Ana?" I don't come back to my senses until he snaps his fingers close enough to make my eyes cross. I shake those crazy thoughts away. Maybe there should come a time that I must stop watching movies since they don't help me lessen the amount of my anxiety. Those situations are bizarre and I must force myself to think realistically.

Okay, reality. We are back to reality. It's Christian's birthday party tomorrow and we are in the conference room and there is an Asian woman talking to him. I don't understand any of it since they are speaking in full Chinese. Yes, Christian is very fluent in Chinese. I learned that he knows how to speak ten different languages but I never knew that Chinese is one of them. I don't have to be so in awe of it though since he remains stoic and robotic even when speaking another language.

He turns to me, "What were you thinking about, Ana?"

"Nothing"

"Really? You looked very . . . worried."

I deny, "Of course, not! I am not worried. Why will I be worried? By the way, what's the theme of your party? I don't understand any of the Chinese words you were saying."

He arches his brow and corrects me, "She's Korean."

"Oh . . ." I feel very apologetic then. It was an honest mistake. Please don't hate me for it. I just thought she was Chinese.

Christian ignores my mistake and clears his throat informing me, "Everyone has to wear black. The venue is all black so I guess black is the theme?"

For a moment I just want to slap my forehead. I let my opinion be heard, "You are celebrating your thirty-fourth birthday, not going to a funeral! Can you be any deadlier? Birthdays should be festive, thanking God that you are going to add up another year in your life! Why will everyone wear black? That is just so . . . sad! Christian, what's the theme for last year's party?"

He answers brusquely, "All white." Wow! All he knows for themes are colours?! Even though he doesn't seem that interested, he asks me out of courtesy, "What do you have in mind? It seems like you are really thinking of something great for a birthday party."

"It should be something special. You only get to turn thirty-four once in your life so the celebration must be livelier. I know you don't celebrate birthdays like we do, and every party of the rich people has soft faint music playing in the background and more of chatting while sipping champagne, but at least the outfits must be fun to look at." Christian really needs to have fun.

"So what's the theme?"

I start to wonder too. I don't want to stick to colours. There is so much more to themes than colours. When I finally know what to suggest it seems like a light bulb just popped up on top of my head. I tell him like an announcer, "Mr. Christian Grey, your birthday theme is going to be . . . drum roll please . . . Old Hollywood!"

He looks somewhere in between feeling impressed and feeling intrigued. He repeats, "Old Hollywood?"

"Yes! Clark Gable, Judy Garland, Clint Eastwood, Gregory Peck, Vivien Leigh, and even Katharine Hepburn! You know her, right?"

Christian recognizes, "Katharine Hepburn! Yes, I know her. She was in _The Aviator._ Well, that's the only movie I've watched and I really liked her. The actress of the movie portrayed her with such authenticity and I will consider it, Ana, Old Hollywood it is then."

He starts talking to the Korean girl. I think he is telling him about the changes in the theme? If they are then the girl really is happy and impressed.

The Aviator is the film we both picked up at the same time in the movie house almost a month ago. Who would've thought that the two of us would end up getting married? Normal marriage or no normal marriage, he has to change that status of having watched only one film in his entire life.

Christian phones Paula and orders her to send an e-mail to all guests that the theme has changed and that the event planning team should change everything they planned. I find myself staring at him in awe. It must be amazing to be him. Everybody panics in just one command he has, and no matter what he does he will just get what he wants. Christian doesn't adjust to the world, it's the contrary: the world adjusts to him. When I become his wife, I will have that same privilege. And I am more than excited.

As soon as he's done telling Paula the instructions, I question, "Who's this girl?"

"She is Jae Min, the secretary of Kim Na Ra."

My jaw drops all the way down to the floor, "Kim Na Ra! The one and only Kim Na Ra?!" What the hell is going on? How does Christian have access to one of the most expensive fashion designers in the whole world? That seems to be a dumb question but I just can't seem to do anything but ask.

He elaborates, shocking me further, "She's on her way here and Jae Min's informing her that instead of bringing black dresses, she would have to bring Old Hollywood dresses for you to wear tomorrow."

"What? F-for me?"

Christian gives me a smile, "Yes. I know you want to look the very best tomorrow so that's why I called her."

"Uhm . . ."

"You're not bothered by it, right? You want another designer? I could call Roberto Cavalli or Zac Posen for you. I met them once and we chatted for about one minute."

I can't even blink. I stutter, "N-no. I am fine. Just a little . . . s-surprised."

He nods and after a few minutes there is a short Korean woman who emerged from the door of the conference room and she brought at least ten other people with her. Oh my gosh! It's Kim Na Ra! I am breathing the same air as her. I watch her talk to Christian and I almost faint when she talks to me as if we're really close friends. I manage to get a grip and start acting sane though. And who needs an interpreter when you have Christian as a fiancée?

I see all the stars in my eyes as they bring more than fifty dresses which bring me back to another era. I almost spin around just because it feels like the Hollywood in black and white. The cocktail dresses are everywhere and as well as the glittery gowns. There are flurry coats too and I almost tear up. I gaze at Christian and beam at him. His eyes shine and it's almost as if he knows every word I want to say to him. He smiles so wide when I do start twirling around the clothes.

There are shoes too! And Necklaces! And this is perfect!

"You can choose whatever you want, Ana." He still has that rare smile.

Well . . . this is getting good now.

Tomorrow finally arrives and we agreed meeting in front of the salon. At first he wanted me to have another thousand dollar priced makeup for his party but I tell him that there's this beautician downtown who deserves to be my makeup artist when I finally take on Hollywood. She just knows how to make me beautiful and I'm very happy because I can now tip her higher than usual.

"Are you ready to see the Old Hollywood you?" Esmeralda seems eccentric so I nod.

She turns my chair around and I am facing the mirror. I look like . . . I truly belonged in their time. She just made me look like I was born in the wrong era because I should be one of those old Hollywood classics. My hair is curled neatly and it's so shiny. The jewellery Kim Na Ra chose for me yesterday exaggerated my blue eyes. I am astounded. This is very different. It's unlike me.

"Thank you, Esmeralda. Thank you very much." I give her seventy dollars for a tip and she almost doesn't want to accept it, but I insist. Really? She should be working somewhere more glamorous than this random New Jersey salon.

I step out of the salon everyone ogling at me as if I am wearing my look right. The sun is already setting which means that the party's about to start and that Christian's presence is the only one they're waiting for. My eyes find this gentleman standing. He has his Mercedes Benz with him, his back pressing against it while waiting for me. He looks like an Italian mobster from _The Godfather_ and my eyes glimmer. He just wears it magnificently. His usually tousled copper hair is now slick and he still looks so handsome. How does he do that?

Sooner than later he finally sees me and his eyes widen. Of course, he doesn't gasp or anything. Why would he? My heart beats fast though because his eyes are gasping themselves. I know I shouldn't act this way but it makes me more beautiful to theorize that he's thinking I look beautiful.

Aside from my hair and makeup accompanied by the simple yet elegant earrings and necklace, my dress just adds up to the perfection. I chose Kim Na Ra's sea green long gown. It has long sleeves and it just fits my body perfectly. The upper part of the dress is completely sparkling while the lower half is lacy and embroidered with the same shade of green.

We are only inches apart now and that's when I realize he's finally breathing.

Oh my God! All my hopes are springing up.

He clears his throat and compliments, "You look . . . flabbergasting, Anastasia Steele."

I smile, "You too, Christian Grey."

"There's something missing though."

"What?"

He takes something out of his pocket and all my hopes are springing higher and higher.

It's a shining engagement ring with a brilliant silver crown and round shaped jade for is face, supported impeccably by the shanks. He clutches my left hand before sliding the expensive ring down my third finger. I can't stop staring at it. Its jade colour blends perfectly with my sea green dress. I know I should feel so jumpy because this costs so much and I get the privilege to wear it, but why am I reacting so joyfully because of the _thought of him_ giving me this?

He kisses my knuckles before we enter his car. I keep glancing at him in my peripheral vision but he doesn't show much expression. He is the businessman Christian. Whatever I am feeling right now, I must stop it. It's all for security and not for the love.

I get the world.

He keeps the world.

That's what it's all about.

We finally reached the venue and I am not surprised that it's the _Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa_ , one of the grandest hotels in the state. I lose the time to admire the entire place when he intertwines his fingers with mine.

I look at him and there's nothing on his facial expression.

"Shouldn't we hook arms now?" Hooking arms are to formal parties while holding hands are for a casual stroll. Shouldn't that be it?

There's a hint of emotion in his voice when he whispers slowly, "I just want to hold your hand."

My springing hopes? They're already flying.

 **Author's Note: NONE of the FSOG characters belongs to me. THANK YOU for your massive support!**

 **Margo.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you for last chapter's responses.**

 **Chapter 9**

 **Party**

The party is set in the grand hall of the hotel and there is a red carpet along the way. This just makes everything so real. I've always had apassion for black and white films as every montage is a timeless photographic masterpiece. I've loved how the stars would shine in the moment never knowing people are still gonna know them almost half a century later.

I guess going back to Old Hollywood is no longer an impossible dream.

Nothing's ever impossible for Christian, that's just it.

"Are you ready?" He asks me when the two of us are standing in front of the wooden entrance of the hall.

The memories with Mia flash in my mind like vignettes in a classic film filter. I recall our giggling faces during high school and the times we stood up for each other. I remember every time she makes fun of her older brother because he's too serious about life and I would complain all day about not having enough money for school because of my parents' incapability but she won't get tired. Instead she would make me laugh.

She was the greatest sister I never had and I know that it's overwhelming to think that I'm facing the person I've hurt but I should use this time as an advantage: I would apologize to her. I don't expect things to go back to the way it's supposed to be, but at least I can explain how she's so important to me.

Here goes nothing.

"I am ready," I confirm before he opens the huge door and my mouth just dried because of the artful hall.

Everything is just so . . . ageless. The guests are so fancy and classic songs are playing in the background performed well by a classy band. Everyone's chatting but there is so much grace that I find myself intimidated. Then I think: why should I feel that way? I am wearing a gown by world renowned fashion designer, Kim Na Ra and I am going to wed Christian soon. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Instead of focusing my thoughts on those upmarket people my eyes roam around the venue itself. My heart pounds as there are posters of classical movies plastered on the walls. It's like reliving childhood and _Harry Potter_ has released its official movie poster year after year . . . or two years since they didn't show it in theatres annually. There are posters of _Gone with the Wind, One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, Ben Hur,_ and a whole lot more! It's like paradise.

Then everybody is staring at us and the red comes back to my cheeks. Christian doesn't show any emotions at all. I kind of wished that he smiled to comfort me, but that happens when you are a real couple and not friends who are gonna get married. I just have to get used to it then; being with him means being in the spotlight the whole time.

There are whispers all around us and some expressions look malign, and others look thoughtful. I bet they are wondering who this girl is. Is she a daughter of one of the most famous aristocrats? Is she a self-made billionaire like Christian Grey? Is she just a hook-up or is this going to last forever? I am sorry but I am none of the above. This is very overwhelming and if it weren't for his hands holding mine then I would have ran away and hid myself inside a pit.

There is a small stage where the band plays and the host is no other than Mia. She looks like Marilyn Monroe with her rich blonde wig and vintage flowing white dress. All she needs is the signature mole and I could've sworn that Marilyn Monroe is still alive.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! The birthday boy finally arrived and wow! He brought a date with her and-and . . ." Mia stops speaking as soon as she realizes that it is I who is holding hands with her older brother. There's a hint of shock at first but she maintains her composure and public speaking focus after a few seconds. Me? My eyes are too apologetic. I feel Christian holding my hand tighter.

"What?" I barely whisper.

He assures, "She's not going to murder you." As if that's going to help at all.

Completely aware that everyone is staring at her, Mia shakes her head and fakes a smile, "My dear friends, let us all welcome my dearest brother Christian Grey and sing him a very happy birthday!"

Like a true gentleman, Christian leads me to one of the tables before standing on the stage with Elizabeth. I immediately feel grateful that he decided to let me sit with Paula, Taylor, and his two bodyguards, Sawyer and Prince. I notice some of my co-workers too and they're giving me their polite acknowledgements. We are now watching Christian whose every movement has no flaw.

He is on the center of the stage while the band sings "Happy Birthday" in a jazzy arrangement. Everybody's singing along and I would have smiled if Christian's smiling. He looks very bored. It's almost as if he's attending one of the most boring birthday celebrations but he is the birthday celebrant. I just don't understand him.

Mia is the usual ball of sunshine that she is. Her aura's very bright that everybody's just in a good mood. She sings loudly with the band even though she's never the singer. I keep on staring at her, eyeing her from head to toe, still understanding why I've always felt jealous of her throughout the years. It's the good kind of jealous though. She's acting very goofy, obviously meaning to show off for a particular person. I follow her gaze and I see who she's looking at.

It's her husband. He is singing the Happy Birthday song too while carrying their sleeping baby who is also dressed with a mini-suit and tie. Her husband is very tall, almost like six feet and seven inches and he's still slouching. His ears have piercings though and his hair is braided so I'm wondering why she chose him.

After the song, Christian gets the microphone from Mia and I am not surprised when his birthday message sounded more like a business speech.

"To all my friends and family members, thank you for being here. Your presence is an effort and I do apologize for the immediate change of plans regarding the theme of this event, but it looks phenomenal so it was worth it. Thank you for all the greetings and I'd like to make three announcements:

First, Tigris-Euphrates Airlines is available in all states in America. There is no other glory than to contribute for your country. In the means of providing transportations for travellers within this USA, I couldn't be more proud of what I've accomplished in life. I live for a purpose and that is to serve America and be recognized as one of the businessmen who truly care not only economically but personally.

Second, I won a deal with Morocco. I hereby declare to each and every one of you that TEA is going to be available in Morocco next year. I spent three days there over a week ago and learning about the culture and heritage enhanced my knowledge of the diversity in this world. Such diversity made me more desirous to provide transportation to those who just want to fly away and see the world.

Third and most important of all, I'd like all of you to meet my fiancée, Anastasia Steele."

Oh my god! W-what? I wasn't ready for that! Prepared or not prepared, the light illuminates on me, making my sea green dress shine brighter. Christian encourages me to stand up and I do so. Everybody gasps while others are smiling like it's the best news of this night. Seven tables away, his whole family is gaping at me. I see his parents and give them a small guilty smile. By the looks of it, Mia's husband knows me.

Speaking of Mia, she's a statue right now. I can definitely see how she's like her brother. She has that Christian Grey signature dryness. Nothing just appears in her personality. She doesn't look like she cares. She's neither shocked nor angry. I expected her to attack me and cause a scandalous scene knowing how extroverted and fearless she is. But right now? Nothing. She says nothing.

Everybody congratulates us and claps their hands as soon as they recovered from the shock.

I can't seem to stop staring at Christian's parents who are now talking intensely while staring at Christian. As for him, he is smiling a lot and that must be very shocking for most of this people. His smile is genuine . . . like he is happy that I am him fiancée.

 _Well, of course, Anastasia! He's happy to be married to you since it will be like he's already married but still living one of the biggest bits of single life! Of course, he is happy that you are his fiancée! Reality check!_

The hype about the whole engagement thing lowers down then there is the gift giving part. It's not the usual thing where people give him fancy gifts but it's about Christian giving a million dollars each to five charities: child abuse victims, rape and sexual assault sufferers, animal rescue, climate change movement, and Alzheimer's Center. The looks on the charity program heads make it clear that Christian has helped them a lot.

Duh! A million dollars is pretty damn huge!

"Now that the program is done, it means that we are on the best part of the night . . . the food!" Mia seems pretty quirky and the guests just adore her. She signals the food part of the night and the servers start to deliver some menus I have no idea of. I only recognize scallops and lobsters and nothing else. The food is amazing! One day I'd bring my family here and they're going to be so crazy about it.

After we are all done with the main dish, everybody circles the venue to socialize. Christian gets me to come with him and I almost yawn as he talks from one person to another. It's the same pattern when talking to one of his friends: Christian introduces me, they compliment how pretty I am, then they start talking about the Company. We are talking to the eleventh person now and it's still the same cycle. I force myself to be interested in what they're talking about but GDP and Supplies are not the best words that come out of my mouth when I form sentences.

"Christian! Ana!" My heartbeat races faster and faster as I recognize Grace's voice.

Grace Trevelyan-Grey, Christian and Mia's mother looks very excited right now as opposed to how I thought she would react. She's just eccentric about the whole thing and it's like I didn't pretend of their non-existence for the past five years. She hugs me and Christian at the same time and tears are flowing freely.

"My son! You are getting married! I didn't even know that you two dated! Oh my goodness! I am just so happy!" Grace sobs while her husband, Carrick wraps his arm around her shaking shoulders.

"Grace, sweetheart, your baby boy's already thirty-four so there's no reason to be shocked."

She still cries, "He is still my baby!" I laugh at that and I can feel Christian's eyes roll.

Carrick smiles at that before giving his attention to me, "My goodness! Anastasia, it's been a pretty long time. I assume that it has been five years since I last heard of you. I always wanted to know how well you've done in life but I just didn't know how to contact you. I am so shocked, you know. You are marrying my son! I never saw it coming! I mean you always attended the Grey events before but little did I know that you two have a thing already."

Christian corrects him with the smoothest lie, "Father, we started to have a thing two years ago and not when she was a kid while I was studying to be a pilot."

"Oh!" Carrick seems more enlightened now, "We never really know what time's gonna offer us, huh? It's like you've been searching for your match your whole life but he's just there waiting for the right time to be recognized. You two . . . wow! You are getting married. Son, after everything you've been through, this is an accomplishment!"

What? What has Christian been through? I feel him shift uncomfortably.

It doesn't help when Grace agrees still bawling, "Your father's right, Christian. After what happened I never thought that you would consider loving a person in your life. I was worried every single birthday that you have because it means you're growing older as you are growing alone. I am so happy that Ana is here now. You really have moved on, my love. I love you so much, my son. This birthday is the best you've ever had."

I am so confused at that and even more confused when I see Christian trying to conceal the pain which is little by little becoming visible. It clenches my heart to see him like this. I don't know what to say as well. What happened before? It just seems to be a very big issue.

What happened to him? For someone whose expertise consists of concealing emotions, he is almost taking that one step to . . . _vulnerability_.

Grace makes my eyes wide when she envelopes me for a very tight hug. It's almost like she doesn't want me to breathe anymore. She kisses my cheeks over and over again while thanking, "Thank you for loving my son, Anastasia. You are such a blessing to this family! We missed you. We are relieved you're here with us again. We were so sad without you. It felt as though I lost my other daughter. And now? Five years later? You are going to be my daughter. Lawfully."

How are they making me feel as of the moment?

The guiltiest I've ever been.

The funny thing about guilt is that it makes you fear the most unrealistic outcomes. I expect them to kick me or punch me or embarrass me in front of everybody because I disappeared out of their lives after they helped us financially. Now they just made me feel guiltier because they missed me and they still love me and . . . I hurt them a lot.

Hurting the people who love you is the biggest mistake you'll ever make in your life. Of course, there are going to be circumstances when you have to but you owe them at least an explanation.

They are making me cry now and Carrick sees it.

He laughs, "Don't cry, Anastasia! It's a happy night!"

Christian continues to act strangely.

Grace tells Carrick, "My tears are contagious, sweetheart. Let's go now. Kirk Roberts is standing there so we must talk to him. Ana, Christian, congratulations!"

They leave us then and Christian is already in a bad mood. Whenever I try to talk to him, he responds monosyllabically. I guess that it's because of his parents mentioning whatever that's happened in the past. I start to think about it deeply. Has it really been that bad? Did he experience something so traumatizing?

We're speaking to one of the richest men in the guest list and I observe Christian's self-discipline. He doesn't dare to slouch and he never speaks foul language. There is no fun in him and he's very serious. He cares less about people in his life because everything he feels for revolves around the company.

Does it have something to do with what happened before? I want to know.

The chattering the room gets interrupted when Mia's husband calls out for everybody's attention from the stage. His tall lanky frame confidently strikes the guests with appealing impact.

He says, "Hello guys! It's really nice to meet all of you here tonight. For all of those who don't know me, my name is Ethan Kavanaugh and I'm Mia's husband so that means I am Christian's brother-in-law, well, yeah because they're siblings and I am married to one sibling so the other is my sibling but not really my sibling but anyways, I'd like to greet him a happy birthday and congratulations because he's getting married! Christian, trust me . . . you just made the most incorrect decision in your life!"

Everyone laughs at the joke including me. He is so awkward yet so lovable.

Ethan corrects himself, "Just joking though. I love you, Mia! And I'm not saying it because I don't wanna be the one to potty train Marcus but I really do love you! Anyway, this night is all about Christian and Anastasia so I dedicate this song for you. Uhm . . . I am not the kind of guy who sings old music, I am more of the Aerosmith-Green Day crossover but since I'm wearing a suit and tie which Mia forced me into, I decide I will croon for you. Anastasia and Christian, please dance while I sing."

Everybody encourages us to dance so Christian stands with me in the middle of the room and takes the lead. He knows how to dance and he doesn't do it stiffly. He's a natural dancer and that shocks me. I was so scared because everyone's looking at us but he just makes it seem so easy that I don't even feel anyone else's presence apart from his and the singer.

If Ethan hadn't mentioned that he was more of a rocker, I wouldn't have known. He croons us so majestically. He said he's the crossover of Aerosmith and Green Day but I say that he is the Michael Buble-Frank Sinatra crossover.

Christian and I spin and sway and my dress just flows perfectly with the rhythm.

All those questions I want to ask to him especially about what happened in the past just vanished because nothing matters right now more than our synchronized steps. He's looking at me intensely. There's something burning in his eyes and I don't want to think of it as nothing but a figment of my imagination.

We dance and dance while Ethan sings:

Some day when I'm awfully low,

When the world is cold,

I will feel a glow

Just thinking of you

And the way you look tonight.

Lovely, never ever change

Keep that breathless charm

Won't you please arrange it?

'Cause I love you

Just the way you look tonight.

The music has been used in some of my favourite films, _Swing Time, Father of the Bride, My Best Friend's Wedding, First Daughter, and Love's Labour's Lost_.

This moment right now? It feels like a movie.

The song stops and Ethan thanks everybody and greets us once more. Christian is back to being the boring him just after the crowd stops cheering for us. I don't even dare to look at him since there is my enemy circling inside me once more. There is this guilt that I've been feeling. I know I shouldn't feel anything but this night just seems so surreal.

He called me flabbergasting.

He gave me the ring.

He said he wanted to hold my hand.

He danced with me staring deeply into my eyes.

How could I not feel anything for that?

My enemy is my guilt.

This should be an arrangement and not a relationship. This should be nothing more and nothing less than a plan made for companionship and security. There shouldn't be any feelings involved, right?

"Are you okay, Miss Steele?" He twists my heart when he doesn't call me Anastasia.

"Miss Steele?"

"A-ana," He stutters for the first time and I am so confused right now. What's going on with him? Is he giving me mixed signals? Or am I the only one seeing mixed signals?

I roll my eyes, "I'll be going to the lavatory, Mr. Grey!"

Marching my way out of the crowd, I don't let him respond. What hell is going on with me? Why am I reacting this way? I should be appreciating the things he gives me and not appreciate him! I don't even understand my self now.

Entering the girl's room, I glare at myself in the mirror. My makeup still looks fresh but it's pretty obvious that I am bothered.

Then, things get more awkward when Mia emerges from one of the cubicles. I turn around and the two of us are in a staring contest. All the doubts and lectures I have for myself fade away the moment guilt has taken me over. She's looking at me with no emotions while my eyes are begging for her forgiveness.

"Mia, I'm sorry I—"

She walks out of the girl's lavatory in a dash, not letting me say a word.

And it hurt. It really did hurt. She just walked out on me right now, and the pain I feel vibrates through every single inch of my skin. But then I realize that I don't have the right to feel hurt since I did the same to her for five years. If she put me through great pain today, I put her through greater pain yesterday.

 **Author's Note: Now what do you think?**

 **THANK YOU!**

 **Margo.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note below.**

 **Chapter 9**

 **Moments**

What I hate most about life is that when good things start to happen, bad things will always find a way to intervene. Couldn't life just be good all the time? I think it would be a better world if negativity doesn't exist. I am on the rooftop of Tigris-Euphrates Airlines Building overlooking the lights of the city. I choose to see it instead of the stars above me. I am not much of a fan of theirs anyway and vice versa. After all the auditions I've tried out, they still wouldn't make me a star; so don't blame me if looking at the stars doesn't make me feel any better.

This is _A Series of Unfortunate Events_ all over again. I thought I have it all figured out and life can be enjoyable but then things just went downhill from the moment Christian referred to me as Miss Steele after that movie-like dance we had, to Mia acting as though I was invisible, to coming home and finding out that Mom stayed over her friend's house because the loansharks were chasing her, and to never pass one out of six auditions just this morning.

The rooftop is the only place I can be alone and it just relaxes me.

"Ana?" I follow the voice coming from behind me and it turns out that I am not alone anymore. It's no other than Christian, of course. He's still looking very businessman-like even without his coat and tie. If his hair is dishevelled and his shirt have at least four buttons unbuttoned then that means he had a stressful day.

"You are calling me that now? I thought I was Miss Steele?" My tone is harsh but it doesn't have an effect on him.

"It's already 8:30 and you are back to being Ana," he just doesn't get it. I roll my eyes and decide to just let it go. If I continue to press on that topic then that would mean that I care more for him than this business proposal.

He takes my silence as an advantage to cross-sit right next to me, making it clear that he doesn't have acrophobia. I notice just now that he has two cellophanes with him and they're noticeably from the pantry below. He hands me one and I hesitantly take it.

"Let's have dinner together," he smiles and somehow there is something good happening in between those unfortunate events. I have never seen him this . . . carefree. It's quite ironic because he's so stressed out yet he is able to smile. He is different right now and I don't know why.

He frowns again, "I had a stressful day, Ana. We and the clients had a bit of a miscommunication and—"

"In order for you to be stress-free, you have to stop talking about that thing that caused your stress," I interrupt and he looks thoughtful right now.

"You have a point with that."

For the first time in a long day, my bad mood slowly disappears. While eating the meal he brought for us which is spaghetti with meatballs, I cheerfully encourage him, "Talk about something else, Christian. You can talk about your hobbies or your favourite food or you can talk about people or you can talk about the stars. Just find a topic that could decimate your stress."

"Okay then, let's talk about you."

"Me?"

"Talking about you makes me forget my stress," and just like that the feelings I've suppressed are ever present. I told myself that hoping he'd like me won't help at all but how can I force myself to not feel when words like that tug on my heartstrings?

I reason, "Trust me, Christian: talking about me will just make you more stressed."

He challenges, "Prove it."

Taking a deep breath, I let some of it out, "I got rejected again! I don't understand why because I have the talent and I have the passion, but I still can't get the job I really want! I want to be that girl whose fans scream for and have a million followers not just because I exist but I inspire everyone because of my talent! But why? Why isn't this happening?"

Kiel is back to his serious mode but it's not the serious mode that I don't like. With much wisdom, he advises, "You need to have a backup goal."

"Backup goal?"

"We are all raised knowing that goals will make our lives in order, but nobody told us the downside of it. When you achieve a goal, you risk the rest of your life with it so the moment you don't achieve it, then you might get lost. You need to have a second goal, that's what I'm saying. Based on experience, it was my goal to be a pilot and I succeeded in it but I just felt like I could do more, so I followed my backup goal and here I am. What is your backup goal, Ana?"

I just let it out, "Nothing."

"Then start to think about it," Christian points out that the solution is quite simple.

I look at the city lights again and it's been the first time someone made me realize this. I was always so keen about becoming a Hollywood actress and conquering the world through my acting that I forget to be _practical_. I just thought of that without having the doubts of not accomplishing it and that's the problem. It's okay to encourage yourself that you really can have what you truly dream of, but at some point, you just have to look at all the possibilities—even the negative ones—just so you cannot lose direction as soon as fate tells you if your dream can come true or not.

Christian is eating in a posh manner even when cross-sitting while he pushes, "There has to be something more than that, Ana. What else is bothering you?"

"It's about my mother, Christian. She's not in our house because of the loansharks. She's spending her whole life getting away from them. She worked as one of your father's janitress and other people just take her income. We don't even know how she survives with all of her-"my tears are freely flowing, "-debts. I know I shouldn't feel this way because she's my mother and she's just doing everything she can to raise us but I am just so . . . angry. I just held this grudge against her because when she meets most of my friends, she borrows money from them since there are no debtors willing to lend her money. You know what lost? My friends and my dignity."

"You don't have to feel this way anymore, Ana. It's part of the deal and—"I don't let Christian comfort me with his words.

I continue, "She had debts on my friends and they all left me because of that. So when she t-touched Mia-w-when she asked for money and I sacrificed the scholarship . . . that was the last straw. I just hated her because I know Mia's gonna think I'm a leech because of her and . . . she just ruins my life."

Christian wipes away my tears again and I can see that his eyes are almost crying. They are getting watery too but he can control it. I like this version of him. This is speaking from one human being to another.

He rebuts with such a calm voice, "Ana? You underestimated Mia—you underestimated us and how we looked at you. You were our family and the money meant nothing to us. You needed it and we were there for you. It's not us that pushed you away, Ana. You were pulled away by your own pride."

It hits me because it's true. I should be angry at him but he's telling the truth. He's not condemning me—he's making me see the truth. I've been trapped in this tunnel for five years thinking that the Greys loathe me, but here he is, providing the light at the end of the tunnel saying that my thoughts were wrong and they still love me.

We wait for a long time until I stop crying.

"You feel better now?"

I nod.

He gives me that genuine smile again and I return it. I find it funny how he makes me forget all the words I stand for. I tell him not to talk about what stresses him but I just told him the reason behind my sadness and distress. I hope it doesn't come to the point that I will not stand by the promise of not falling in love with him.

Wanting things to be light-hearted, I begin, "When's the date of our wedding?"

"Somewhere in the first week of October," he says shocking me once more.

"What? That means only forty days away! What about the venue? The decorations? The wedding planner? My wedding gown? The invitations? What about everything?!"

He remains relaxed when smirking, "Have you forgotten? I Christian Grey."

I cannot speak, completely dazed at how blithe he is. He wiggles his eyebrow and it just makes me laugh until my stomach gets hurt. What's going on with him? This isn't like him. I mean I don't want him to go back to the usual but I just find him to be the polar opposite of the man he usually is. He laughs along with me too and I am already feeling complete.

When our laughter fades, I don't know why but Christian asks, "What's your greatest dream?"

Without second thoughts, I tell him, "To win an Oscar. What about yours?"

He has that very happy smile again. The CEO turns into a wonderful little boy when he smiles this way. "I want to stand on the ground where ten million planes are flying in the sky."

What?! This man has his own company and he travelled the world and he could speak a lot of languages and he just has everything to summarize it all! And this is his dream? I didn't expect this at all.

"Christian, you have your own airline company so you can definitely have that in one snap of a finger."

He smiles, "It's too dangerous for that many planes to fly across the sky. Do you want me to be technical with you?"

I shake my head, completely not interested with planes and parts of them.

"I am not surprised with that, Ana. Ten million planes are a lot and it's just not safe. One flight alone requires a lot of prayers so how many prayers do we need for ten million flying planes? I bet we couldn't even count them. Yeah, it's just one ambition of mine so let's not dwell with that."

Yes, we don't dwell on that. Instead we start talking about why the universe is this diverse. He tells me about his thoughts on God and how he's not that boastful about what he has achieved at a young age because he's still a speck of dust in this universe. I tell him about the stars and he tells me about the sun. It's just so haphazard that we talk about these things that are not usually talked about.

Then why do I have to ruin the moment?

I mention, "You know what? I like you like this."

"Like what?"

I give him a small smile, "Happy, laughing and guard-down."

"Am I?"

The fear comes back to his blue eyes and I start to panic. Why did I even comment that? I am very stupid! He looks like he is searching for the nearest escape route.

Then I explain, "There is nothing to be scared of, Christian. We are getting married and at some point you just have to learn how to trust. Okay, let me rephrase that. You know how to trust me, you already learned that, but you just have to _let_ yourself trust me. You were a pilot and you have to listen to an unfamiliar voice when the skies get cloudy, right? You trust that voice even without knowing it. Look at me now, Kiel. Look into my eyes and tell me that you can't trust me."

His eyes widen and he shakes his head. Fright controls him once more and he almost looks like he's having trouble breathing.

So I do something to make him forget.

I press my lips against his and he stiffens. My heartbeat screams his name loudly and I close my eyes just feeling him. It doesn't take long before he cups my cheeks and our lips begin to move in sync. My fingers brush through his soft and lavender scented copper hair. Our kiss intensifies each second and I've never felt this way before. I don't know about him but I've kissed three guys before, but this just feels like the very first time.

We don't stop kissing for I don't know when. We're simply floating somewhere where the stars are looking down and the city lights are going up.

 **Author's Note: I am so glad that you find this story funny and amusing. Your reviews, follows, favorites, and private messages are highly appreciated.**

 **Margo.**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Happy Birthday to me! The wedding's near but my family still has no clue that I'm about to be Mrs. Grey. Well, in about fifteen minutes they are going to know. Christian and I argued about two things for the past two weeks: first, he wants my party to be like his but I don't want to be surrounded by those people I know nothing about, and second, he wanted to tell my parents earlier than this night but I said I wasn't ready yet.

I won both arguments and I feel awesome.

I'm waiting outside the apartment building until he arrives with his Porsche. How many cars does he have? I bet all of them combined are higher than all my salaries totalled. He steps out and I am more than amazed. I expected him to be wearing something red carpet-worthy but here he is, walking towards me wearing a white shirt and denim pants, but still looking red carpet-worthy. He's just so handsome and I am forever amazed.

"Hello Ana," he gives me a tiny smile before pressing his lips to mine just for a second.

Ever since our first kiss, kissing just became natural for the both us. I am addicted to kissing him. I'll never say it out loud but I think he knows it, and by observation, he seems to quite reciprocate the addiction.

"Are you ready to tell them?" He asks seriously.

I give him a small nod before pressing my lips to his again.

The two of us head inside the apartment building and I explain and apologize about the broken elevator. We take the stairs all the way up to the fourth floor, but he doesn't even look tired. I stare at him the whole time, still dazed of the fact that he is wearing something casual. I assumed he would still be the businessman he is and that he'd curse the fact that we're taking the stairs right now but he just doesn't act that way. I realize that I still don't know a lot of stuffs about him, and I guess I'll just know it when the two of us are legally married.

We have reached our apartment room and I take a deep breath before entering it.

My birthday celebrations have been the same. My mother would cook mashed potatoes and roasted chicken, and my father would bake his signature brownies. We spend the rest of the night just talking and playing Uno cards or whatever game comes up in our mind. I know that my life will change the moment Christian and I will get married, so I spend my last birthday this way with my family.

They see us getting inside and they're all just happy. Most girls don't like birthdays because that means aging, but I personally love birthdays since it's a twenty four hour vacationwhere problems are forgotten, and we're just happy. No yelling, no problems, no nothing but happiness.

Elizabeth exclaims, "Oh my gosh! Happy Birthday Sis! Look at your dress! Where did you buy it? I like its aubergine colour!"

"I bought if from—"

She interrupts me when she notices Christian standing in front of me. "Holy hell! You're hot! Who are you?"

Christian introduces himself in his usual grim aura, "Good evening, Miss. My name is Christian Grey."

Elizabeth raises her brow, "I am Queen Elizabeth Steele but you can just call me Elizabeth since Ana told me that I am no queen material, haha! I am her sister, by the way. Your name sounds familiar!"

Elliott who is sitting right next to her with Ben on his lap figures it out like a riddle, "Yes! I know you! I heard your name before! You are Mia's older brother!"

Dad joins the conversation now, "Christian? Mia's older brother, Christian? Christian, the drier than the dryer in the laundry shop across the street?"

Oh no! I've totally forgotten how Mia and I referred to him as that. I don't dare to look at him. He'd look pretty humourless but deep inside I know he's shocked and he'd glare at me because of that. My memories denied recalling Mia almost spending her afternoons in this ugly apartment room and talk about a lot of things to my family. The only family member she didn't meet was Ben.

Christian confirms with his predictably serious voice, "Yes, I am that Christian who's drier than the dryer in the laundry shop across the street."

They all laugh and I cringe at that. With all my fears, I turn to look at Christian and he offers me that sarcastic smile and I shrug at him. He rolls his eyes, letting it all go.

Mom smiles, "You look good, Christian. I really miss your sister. We haven't talked to her for years. But anyways, I'm glad my daughter invited you. Ever since high school you're the only friend who came to visit."

I guess it's time to tell them, "Mom, Christian is not a friend."

They all look confused right now. Mom speaks for everybody, "What does that mean?"

"Chris- . . . Christian . . . Well, t-this is my . . . Christian is my—"

He impatiently announces, "Anastasia and I are getting married."

They all looked like they've seen a ghost . . . and then Mom faints.

I'm wearing my jade engagement ring in front of everybody now, and they're all staring at it. No one dares to eat their roasted chicken and mashed potatoes except for Ben. He doesn't understand why the adults he's living with are in shock. Christian, on the other hand, discerns everybody's facial expressions. Not even a part of him is nervous. He's a man who has discussed important topics with important people so why will this intimidate him?

Elizabeth continues playing with her food while Elliott almost kills Christian with his piercing murderous eyes. My parents are looking very worried and oblivious about what's going on, and Mom has regained consciousness but the surprise is still there.

Dad clears his throat now and starts his detective approach, "Christian, when did you start dating our daughter? As far as I know, Ana has been busy with her career and with us. I find this unbelievable because I know my daughter and she seems to be the woman who wouldn't like to get married at her young age but what is going on? When has this started? I am much jumbled."

He lies smoothly, "We have been seeing each other for a couple of years now. Anastasia and I bumped into each other in a particular avenue and I asked her to have coffee with me to catch up and then it all started."

"Huh? Couple of years? Why didn't you tell us, Anastasia?"

I shrug, "Because you won't understand?"

Dad rolls his eyes and expresses, "Of course, I wouldn't! Why would you settle down?"

I snap, "Because I don't want to live with all of you forever?"

There's an awkward tension in the dining room and even Elliott has been taken aback. I don't mean to hurt them but it's what I feel. We may be a happy family but I just want to escape the trials and tribulations attached with them. I know life will not be perfect, but I know life might be better, and I am sitting beside the person who can make my life better. They're all looking down now, even my younger sister, Elizabeth. I want to apologize but I just can't.

How can you say sorry for the truth?

After the torturous minutes, Dad finally responds, "Very well then. I understand you with that, Ana."

I open my mouth to say something but Mom interrupts in a way that I never thought she would react.

"Ray, we're just gonna have to let it go, okay?" Dad nods at her request so she continues, "Christian, can you tell me something about you?"

I smile to myself when he starts talking, "Carla, I am the CEO of Tigris-Euphrates Airlines, available nationally and in Morocco. The planes I have are built strategically and with firm foundation . . ." Then he starts talking about stocks and how planes are needed in every part of the globe. We can hardly keep up with him. Elliott can't even blink his eyes because it seems like he's not speaking in English. Christian has forgotten that he is inside the Steele's hell of an apartment instead of his conference room.

Mom fakes a smile after his speech of three minutes before reacting, "Wow! You are very . . . smart . . . and successful." Can this night get any more awkward?

Thankfully my nephew, Ben is here. He seems to brighten up everything when he informs Christian proudly, "My Dad makes me planes!"

Christian raises his brow at that so Elliott explains, "Paper planes."

For the first time since we entered the apartment, Christian smiles unpretentiously. He is staring at Ben with admiration in his eyes. "Have you ever flow in an airplane, little one?"

Ben shakes his head, telling the truth.

"I'll take you in a plane and we'll fly so high that you can almost touch the clouds."

My small nephew screams, "Really? Really? You are going to do that for me? You are gonna give me a present even though my birthday is done already?!"

Christian chuckles this time, "Of course, Ben!"

Ben jumps around and Elliott stares at his son with awe, completely touched that his little one is very jolly because of Christian's thoughtfulness. When Ben is happy, everybody's happy too. Little by little I feel my family start to warm up with Christian despite his cold demeanour. Oh, what would we do without Ben? I am so grateful that he is here.

Elizabeth asks Christian this time, "Where's Mia now?"

He responds, "She's currently living in New York with her husband and son. She's a housewife and she's very happy." I know somewhere in the back of his mind, he is adding the words, "for now."

My little sister's eyes have gotten wide as she can't seem to believe the news from Christian. "Really? Mia is a married woman now? She has a son? I really loved her because she was so pretty and kind. She even let me borrow some of her clothes and they were pretty expensive! I just loved Mia and I hope to see her soon."

Noticing that talking about Mia sets me in discomfort, Mom changes the subject, "Ben has a present to give to his Aunt Ana. You can give it to her now, Ben."

He stands up from his chair and hands me twenty four pink roses and I kiss him again and again for his kindness. This kid is so nice that even Christian can see it. "Aunt Ana, twenty four pink roses for your twenty fourth birthday!"

"Awww! Thank you so much!" I kiss him all over his face. I received twenty three roses from him last year and twenty two from the other year but I will never get tired of pretending I am surprised. Ben is the only remaining ray of sunshine in this home so we treasure him.

Christian teases, "That's so kind of you, Ben but I have a present for your Aunt Colleen and it's so much better than yours." Christian sticks his tongue out to my poor nephew, prompting his to arch his eyebrows. My fiancé then takes back what he says, "I was just kidding, Ben, nothing beats your roses."

Ben sticks his tongue out this time and Christian just laughs. He takes something out of his pocket and hands it over to me. It's a rectangular object perfectly fitting my palm. I unwrap the silver crepe paper and the golden ribbon and it's revealed to be none other than an iPhone8. My jaw drops and Elizabeth is super jealous right now. I used to just stare at them when I pass by the Apple Store but now? I have it in my hand and I didn't even earn it.

I must say goodbye to my Nokia 3310 now.

Christian says, "It comes with an iPad and a Macbook but it's there in my office. You can get it next week."

"Really?" This is heaven.

He nods with a happy smile, "Happy Birthday, Ana."

We hear Elizabeth mutter, "I'm gonna marry a rich man in the future."

Then we eat dinner, talking about our lives to Christian who seems really interested. He starts talking nonsense with Ben, and who would have thought that he had it in him? At first, Mom and Dad agree that he seems drier than the dryer from the laundry shop across the street but now he's just a normal guy whose interest lies on the nephew of his fiancé.

Ben: I sleep with dinosaurs. The T rex scares the monster away!

Christian: Don't you know that I am the T rex?

Ben: How?

Christian: When I was your age, a wizard visited me and I thought he was good. It turns out he was evil and he cursed me to turn into a T rex every night when the clock strikes twelve midnight!

Ben gasps out loud, fearing the 'wizard' and I can't help but smile at the two of them. Christian glances at me and gives me a wink. I kind of envisioned this night to be different—to be like Christian ignoring Ben because he's annoying. He couldn't even find the desire to ogle Mia's cute son. It turns out that Ben is naturally charming that even the coldest man melts into his warmth.

My new phone is being passed on and Elliott just adores it. Elizabeth, on the other hand, obviously wants to rob it as of the moment. She's just so jealous that her lips are pouting. If she and Christian were close, she wouldn't hesitate to ask one from him.

We're done eating so Mom asks, "Let's play games?"

Everybody agrees including Christian. He seems to be enjoying tonight.

Dad explains the game, "Okay so I am going to give a category and we give examples of it from A to Z. The game starts with me so I will start with the letter A, Carla is going with B, Christian with C, Ana with D, and it goes on. You're out of the game when you run out of ideas after three seconds."

"I am ready," Christian's game is on. Why does he look like this is bigger than the Olympics?

Dad starts, "Name of countries. Argentina."

Mom says, "Brunei!"

Christian shocks us when he enumerates in alphabetical order, "Cambodia, Cameroon, Canada, Cayman Islands, Central African Republic, Chad, Chile, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus"

None of us move. Wow! Just wow! How did he do that? I clear my throat and explain, "I think it's pretty impressive that you are so smart and competitive about this game but you only have to choose one country, Christian."

He nods in complete understanding, "Czech Republic it is then."

A bigger wow for that. He's very intelligent.

The category ends with Elliott not remembering a country starting with letter U (why didn't he remember his own country, USA?). I just don't get him.

The second category comes from my mother which is dog breeds and Christian is no stranger to the letter B.

"Basenji, Beagle, Belgian Laekenois, Belgian Tervuren"

The game continues and we just have so much fun. Mom and Dad seem to be enjoying Christian's drive to win the game. He's just so into it. No matter how many times we remind him that he only needs one example for each letter, he just keeps enumerating. We just let him after the sixth category since he looks like he's really enjoying himself.

An hour later, he's declared as the winner of the game and he gives himself a round of applause. He claps for himself in a very fashionable manner so I convince myself that what we played was a prestigious competition.

Christian calls it a night and all my family members seem to be disappointed that he's leaving earlier than ten.

"It was great meeting you, Christian. Congratulations to you and to Ana!" He embraces my mother.

"Yeah, I greet the two of you as well. You're kind of cool, Christian, but still drier than the dryer from the laundry shop across the street." Christian smiles at his new identifier and somehow earns my dad's fist bump. Dad just loves watching Howie Mandell on the small screen that he doesn't want to shake hands anymore. He's doing the fist bump when he meets people.

But looking at his appearance: beer belly and short legs? He's not Howie Mandell, but he's Baymax from Big Hero 6.

He bids goodbye to everyone before we exit the apartment room. When the door slams ajar, I finally breathe freely. The agony's over and my family has knowledge of my marriage with Christian and no one got killed. It just feels like the world has been lifted off my shoulder. Out of all the people I expect to take it calmly, it's my mother and I can't believe I am saying this but I am thankful for her.

"Wow!" Christian breathes out too, looking very trusting. I don't want to let him know about how he looks like since he's gonna reach the same way he did when we were on the rooftop.

"Yeah"

"That was fun! I enjoyed the game a lot!"

"I know! I don't even know why!"

He smiles, "I waited my whole life for it! I just . . . I just love sharing what I know."

I shake my head at that. He's acting like a child who gets to show off his nerdy side. I change the topic when I express my gratitude, "Thank you for you gifts. You didn't have to but—"

"It's part of the agreement, right? Mine is yours, you get what you want."

And just like that I'm buried six feet underneath the ground. I was so high, thinking of how happy we were and how he was so thoughtful but it's all replaced by the pain twisting my guts and stabbing my heart. I know it's all part of the arrangement but it just hurts. It would have been more meaningful when he gave it to me because it's my birthday and there's just no other reason. My hands clench into fists as I try not to feel this overwhelming amount of pain but there it is: rising and rising as my happiness keeps falling and falling.

He frowns, "Ana, why did you get sad all of a sudden?"

 _Because you're an asshole? Because I'm so stupid?_

I lie, "Just remembered something."

"It's your birthday, you shouldn't be sad." With that, he starts kissing me feverishly, pressing my back against the wall. I know I should be acting so cold towards him since he just made it clear that he gave me a gift because he thought that it was a material fulfilment to the arrangement. But no, when his lips attach to mine, a fire just ignites, thawing all the thoughts of me violently shaking him away.

Before out kiss gets deeper, a small gasp becomes audible that we pull away to find out who saw us.

It's no other than Ben whose eyes are covered by his hands now.

"I'm gonna tell my Daddy!"

"No, you won't!" Christian manages to catch him before he could even get inside. His laughter fills the air when Christian tosses him again and again. They're really cute to look at right now and my heart's already soaring. My eyes don't leave the sight of them.

In a span of less than one thousand seconds, he brings me high, brings me low, high to low, low to high, again and again.

It's time to admit that I like him.

It's time to admit that I'm screwed.

Best birthday ever.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note below.**

 **Chapter 12**

 **Scream**

I already have my own bank account. Life doesn't get any better than that. Christian surprised me by giving me my very own American Express credit card with an extremely high credit limit. I know I've admitted liking him, but it flatters me knowing that he could give me the whole world. All I've ever wanted was to have the grandeur this earth can offer and now someone I like is handing it over to me in exchange of my companionship. Things are doing well, for me, at least.

Realizing that my feelings can cause termination for our marriage, I decide to just keep it to myself. This crush will be just like the wind, passing by me once and long forgotten as I go on with my life. I don't have to make a big deal out of it, even when he has the greatest smile, tranquil eyes, flawless skin, handsome face—STOP IT, ANASTASIA! Don't make a big deal out of it!

The wedding's in three weeks and I am already excited to be his wife. I am just his fiancée for now but I can already shop for all the things I want. In terms of technology, I am much updated, as what Elizabeth would say.

When Christian bought me my new iPhone 8, I didn't understand how to utilize it. I didn't even know what it meant when Elizabeth said that it has a built-in battery. She taught me how to take care of it as if she already owned one in her life. Elizabeth was very envious of me, but she doesn't have to worry since I'll get more money when I get married to Christian.

Yes, this is what it's all about—this is what life is all about: Money!

Remember that, Anastasia, okay?

When feelings and money go head to head, money always celebrates victory.

Elizabeth showed me how to use the camera and I was so astounded that it was really clear. I took some selfies and my mouth formed an amazed "O" when she told me that selfie sticks exist. Seriously, where have I been for the past few years?!

"This is really fascinating! Wow! Whoever made this is a genius!"

My little sister rolled her eyes and cringed, "Ana, can you please stop acting like this is much of a magic? This is technology and not wizardry!"

She's definitely acting like Katherine Heigl's character from _27 Dresses_. She acts really supportive of me but deep inside her blood is boiling because I have all the things she wants right at the moment. Well, she's my only sister and sooner than later her life will change too.

"Elizabeth, stop acting so jealous of me and—"

"Excuse me? I am not jealous of you and—"

"We'll shop tomorrow wherever you want."

Her face dashingly shifts from being the most pissed off person in the world to the happiest one. She skips all over the place because it will be her first time to get the clothes she just dreamed of having from outside the luxurious store.

So here we are now, strolling along the streets as if we just came from the Hamptons. Mom, Elizabeth, and I have a very enjoyable day together as we maximize all the girly things we can buy using my new credit card. Elizabeth's been twirling from here to there, completely dazed of the fact that she is having a Blair Waldorf moment from _Gossip_ _Girl_. She just has to wait for months or a couple of years before I take her out for a shop in Paris, France. Now that would be her _real_ Blair Waldorf moment!

"This is so posh, Anastasia! You are so lucky to have Christian!" She's carrying more than ten paper bags but she doesn't give a crap. She seems to be just living in the moment.

"What can you say, Mom?"

She gives me a little smile, "Thank you, Ana."

Her underwhelming response sets me in disappointment. How could she react this way? Shouldn't she be grateful? Her two daughters are doing something elegant for the first time in their lives and all she does is have wandering eyes, pretending she's in the same page as us. Why can't she be just thankful? If I had known that she'd be a mood killer, I would've never brought her with me.

Shaking my head, I distract myself, "You know what? It's time to choose my wedding dress. I will need your opinion."

We get inside _Confess_ and all the wedding gowns are visibly shown hanging by the long golden metal, dresses glimmer the shades of white, sparkling like silver caused by the moonlight. The women wear smiles on their faces, deceived by our glamorous appearance. I guess there isn't going to be that _Pretty Woman_ scene where they won't let Julia Roberts buy her dress because of their discrimination. It's going to be about me, a pretty woman, without the rescue of Richard Gere.

"Good morning, Madame! How may I help?" She's really tall but very fit to be a model.

I hold my head up high, "I am gonna get married in the next three weeks!"

"Really? Goodness! You need a dress now! I have the perfect one for you!"

Then the search for the dress begins. I want something elegant but simple at the same time. But I don't like the long-sleeved ones like Kate Middleton wore during the Royal wedding. That Alexander McQueen gown was timeless and I may be like Kate, a commoner marrying someone so rich and important, but that looks isn't just for me. I have a face resembling a fox and for the first time in years, I'm considering the words they always use to compliment me: sultry but classy.

Louise, the name of the sales clerk leads us into a private room where there are pink cushions and peach curtains. She brings me a lot of wedding dresses to try and in between all the fittings, she just gasps claiming that I'm the most beautiful client who she ever helped.

I don't let her fool me though. She just wants sales.

Elizabeth and Mom are of no help at all. Elizabeth's just roaming around the store, clicking pictures of each since she's really obsessed with clothes. Mom, on the other hand, has been staring at the ground for the whole time. Why does she look like somebody just died? I don't want her to be this way. For heaven's sake, the Greys has taken care of everything else and all I had to do was make a list of my guests and find my perfect wedding dress. I expected her to be of good help but what is she doing now?

I try one wedding dress on after the other. I try the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh . . . the twenty third and this is it. I spin ever so slowly while staring at myself in the full length mirror. It dawns on me that in just three weeks Anastasia Steele will cease to exist, as she will be called Anastasia Steele.

The dress is coloured platinum, with no sparkles or beads. It's just made of white cloth, simple but sophisticated. It's close-necked and it exposes my back down to the skin just above my butt-line. The big ribbon enclosing the fabric wrapped around my neck adds a little bit of modesty to it. I pull my hair into a messy bun and I could be ready for my wedding already.

Louise almost looks teary-eyed, "You are so beautiful!"

"Thank you, Louise."

I turn my attention to my mother, "Mom, what do you think?"

She snaps out of her thoughts and stares at me from head to toe, obviously dazzled by my appearance.

"Anastasia! You just look angelic!"

Elizabeth disagrees, "Nah, she's kinda devilish."

I smirk to myself. To be declared angelic and devilish at the same time is a giant commendation. It's like I am heaven and hell at the same time, transporting from one luminous place into a fiery one. I spin around again, claiming the devilish/angelic mix of a compliment I receive.

I'd make one unique bride.

Then Mom is staring down the ground again, sadness evidence in her eyes. Is she acting like this because her eldest child is about to tie the knot? She doesn't have to be emotional in a moment like this, since all I've ever wanted was to be free from her and her problems. Anger is swimming in my system from the inside out, and tears are about to drip down from my eyes, forcing themselves to be noticed. I try my hardest not to because I should be happy. But then again, no one's ever happy when my mother's around.

Louise interrupts, "Are you going to take it?"

"Yes," I confirm with no hesitations.

"That would be for ninety nine grand. Let me take care of it for you." She steps out of the room, giving me full access to ask my mother all about her grieving state.

I sit down right next to her, pushing Elizabeth away.

"Mom, what is wrong?"

Her fingers are shaking and her breathing is rugged, back arches almost forming like the crescent of the moon. This isn't like her.

I roll my eyes now, voice raise, audibly irritated by all her drama, "Mom, why are you being like this? Don't you have a heart condition?! Can you just tell me why you're acting like somebody died? Look at me! I am in my wedding dress! I am in one of my heavenly days, so why do you have to ruin it?"

She meets my eyes now and they're already bloody red. I too am shocked of the intensity of the grief she's feeling inside.

"Mom, you are scaring me! What's this all about?"

"Christian arranged a meeting with me yesterday and h-he offered to pay all my debts. I declined him over and over again but he said he'll pay them no matter my decision. What's this all about, Anastasia? Are you marrying him for money?"

The colour red invades my face as her tone sounds the most judgmental. "Why do you say it like that? Why are you accusing me?"

"Anastasia, I am not accusing you. It's just that it's not normal for a future son-in-law to pay the debts of—"

I spat, "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY THANK YOU?! CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP?"

She flinches before reasoning, "It's not about my pride, Anastasia. It's about you. I am worried about you. Are you marrying him for the sake of us? Because if that is the case, then I would want you to quit the wedding now. I'd rather have myself drowned and eaten by those debtors rather than have you sacrificing your own happiness. If the sudden marriage is all about this then I am begging you to stop it."

I feel Elizabeth's uncomfortable presence beside when I start to laugh until my stomach hurts and tears almost come out of my eyes.

"Oh my God! Are you for real?"

There is pain in her voice and I find pleasure in it, "Ana, stop being like this and—"

"Did you ever stop loaning money even after I begged you not to?!"

She doesn't say anything.

"Did you ever consider that I have a life apart from living for all of you?!"

She shakes her head almost saying something.

"Didn't you ever think that I needed all the things in the world?!"

"You are being worldly again, Ana! This isn't healthy! If you are going to care about tangible materials in this world then there is no happiness and—"

I don't know where it came from but I'm already screaming on top of my lungs, "Yes, I am worldly! Yes, all I care about are the tangible things in life! But It's. All. Because. Of. You. It's all because of you, Mom. It's always been because of you! You are the worst mother in the world." My tears are flowing and I can't seem to control them but I continue, "I never told you this but now you deserve to hear this: I. AM. ASHAMED. OF. YOU." Enunciating every word, she winces at it.

Big fat tears come from her eyes and she mentions torturously, "Anastasia . . ."

I shake my head again and again, "Mom, don't act like the victim here! You have been acting like you are the most victimized person! It's always been about you, isn't it? It's always been about how fate could be so cruel that you would need to crawl and skim your way to somebody else's pocket just to live!"

"I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE! I—"

"My friends! My friends, Mom. Ella, Michelle, Arthur, Ked, Darwin, Nicholas, PJ, and even Mia! Did you ever pay what you owe them? No, you didn't! You just save yourself using your excuses like you didn't have anything or life has been hard or you've been having debts just to pay another debt! I lost all of them and it's all because of you! I don't understand how you could just rip my friends all away from me because of your fucking financial issues, but you can't let my fiancé pay everything! Do you want everybody to leave me because of you and your fucking problems?"

She is sobbing right now and Elizabeth is soothing her.

My sister chastises, "Ana, you are going way out of line. Stop this and—"

"I WON'T STOP!" Both of them shudder at my sudden yell. "I won't stop. I won't stop ever. You need to know how awful of a mother you are. You need to know how it almost killed me to see Mia graduate from Juilliard while I stay in your home as complete loser who is bound to be nothing in this world! You have no idea how I've lived my life getting tired and tired of all of you each day. You have no idea of the nights I wished to die rather than be your daughter."

"Ana, stop this now and—"

I'm an awful person. I'm causing my mother her worst heartache but I feel like she deserves it.

My face is wet from all the tears and Elizabeth is looks troubled, almost like she wants to murder me for what I'm doing. If she'd be in my place right now, she'll understand every damn word I'm uttering.

"When I was fifteen, I vowed to never be like you. You never dreamed of anything grand. You never dreamed about reaching for stars just to live comfortably—"

"Because I have you! Because I have all of you!"

"But you never dreamed for us! You never did! I vowed to never let myself lose pride. I told myself to be the person who is not going to be even a quarter of you! I will have a car, I will have a mansion, I will have a bright career, I will be under the rain of cash, I will be exploring the world, and I will be someone in this fucking universe! I will never ever be like you!"

She's crying and Elizabeth is shouting, "Anastasia, you are being cruel to our own mother!"

I shake my head, "No, she's the one who has always been cruel. It's never me, Elizabeth. It's never me. You don't know how it feels like to lose yourself and all you want yourself to be just because of her selfishness! Now that I have a chance to truly be happy and she's telling me not to marry him all because of her stupid pride!"

"It's not about pride, Ana. Mom is just concerned!"

"No, she's not! She's never been concerned. What kind of mother borrows money from her daughter's friends? What kind of mother does that?!"

Knowing that no words can pacify me, Elizabeth and Mom just turn silent.

"I will never be a mother. That's one great thing about marrying Christian: he doesn't want to have children too. I always reason out that I am never gonna be ready for any of it since it's a serious responsibility, but the main reason why I never want to have kids? I don't want to have another you or another me. Your blood is within me, flowing through every vein, and no matter what I do to never be like you, I will always get one of your traits. I will never be a mother because of you."

Her shoulders are shaking, up and down, side to side.

With the slowest pace, I finally admit, "You will always me that part of me I'll always hate. Always."

Elizabeth glares at me while Mom can't even look up. I wipe the tears off my face. The aftermath of the fight reveals to be a huge discomfort. I want nothing but to run away from this place in my expensive wedding gown.

To make matters worse, Louise enters the room once more with one of the fakest gasps, "Oh my! What a huge moment for you, mother and daughter. Tears are always present when the daughter gets married! What an emotional moment! I can feel myself cry."

"Let's go, Elizabeth," my mother asks with a hoarse voice.

Elizabeth's grimace never leaves my sight as they exit the horrendous scene. I look around and it's just me, Louise, and the shopping bags Elizabeth abandoned just now.

Watching a movie is more than just sitting there while eating popcorn. It's all about capturing the essence of the film through the director's vision, cinematographers golden eyes, actors' performances, and scriptwriter's legitimacy and wit. Everything shall work out in order to create that impact on a viewer. I see none of those in the movie I'm watching right now. No wonder why I'm the only one inside the theatre house.

I can't seem to stop crying and it's not about how awful the film is. I just can't seem to forget the argument I had with my mother just a few hours ago. Normally watching movies would annihilate my stress and welcome my day anew but something about our fight just reminded me that we will never be the same again.

My phone buzzes and my heartbeat accelerates as the phone shows his name.

Him: Good evening! How are you? – Christian Grey, Tigris-Euphrates Airlines CEO

Me: Christian, thank God you texted me!

Him: Is something wrong? Did someone hurt you?! Did someone steal your money?! I am calling my lawyer! – Christian Grey, Tigris-Euphrates Airlines CEO

Me: No, you don't need to call your lawyer. I just had a bad day, that's all.

Him: Why? What happened? – Christian Grey, Tigris-Euphrates Airlines CEO

Me: I had a fight with my mother. A HUGE ONE.

Him: What's it all about?

Me: Everything I've stored within for the last few years.

Him: I'm sorry to hear about all that. – Christian Grey, Tigris-Euphrates Airlines CEO

Me: Yeah, I am crying right now but I'm okay.

Him: Where are you? – Christian Grey, Tigris-Euphrates Airlines CEO

Me: Johnson Movie House VIP Room.

I keep waiting for his reply but more than ten minutes passed by and my phone hasn't buzzed yet. What am I expecting? This silly crush I have for him is getting nowhere. He was just asking me how my day went because we have to be no stranger to each other. This arrangement is driving me crazy! Should I just quit?

Thinking of the things he has given me? The clothes, the phones, the unlimited watching of movies, and all other expensive materials I've never had before. No, I am not quitting this arrangement.

My eyes widen as I feel someone's presence beside me. I look up to see his face. He looks very calm and sympathetic at the same time. His grey suit fits him well while his hair is slick, behaving in one place. His hands are inside the pocket of his slacks and I have never seen anyone that can be nearly as handsome as he is.

"Christian? You're here?" My voice fails me.

He answers me wordlessly. Just like all those times before, his hands find their way to my face, drying the flood caused by my anger and frustrations in life. He sits down beside me and I just can't seem to find the will to cry anymore. What's making my heart jump higher is his unusually lively face. He's used to be just a machine whose moves are automatically prepared. Right now, I am talking to a human being.

"What are we watching?"

I breathe, "You're watching with me?"

"Yes, I am."

This is insane. I told myself that this crush will just pass by and I won't have to worry because it will just fade in a matter of days. How can I do that when he's acting this way? He has captivated me by grasping me using my weakness. We're talking about a man who has never watched anything apart from _The Aviator_. How can you not have feelings for someone who just appears out of the blue inside a movie house and tells you he'll watch it with you?

"What are we watching?" He asks again.

I tell him all about it: the title, the characters, the setting, and the plot. He doesn't seem that impressed but he watches it with intense concentration, almost like he is in the middle of an analysis about a business transaction.

All of a sudden, he entwines his fingers with mine, and I take a look at him. He doesn't seem to show any emotion. He's just being a critique to the motion picture playing before us.

I tighten my grip on his hand before focusing on the movie.

Thirty minutes pass by and nothing good comes out of it. It's just the two main characters trying to be funny and not to mention that the CGI is the worst I've ever seen. I don't even know who these actors are but I'd give them a rating of 1 out of 5. Their jokes are somewhat offensive and there's no way I am letting Christian know that these are the types of films I watch.

When I'm supposed to clarify my taste in movies, I run out of breath again. His head is resting against my shoulder, eyes closed as if he is in the coziest place. He's still holding my hand though. How can he still look so beautiful with eyes closed? I thought his blue eyes are the best feature he has. It turns out that everything about him is beautiful.

My free hand traces the contours of his visually exquisite face. Every inch of his skin is the harm in harmony and his breath sings my favourite song.

There are movies you watch that leaves you with no impact—no memory at all. While there are movies that you become attached to and the world just can't forget. There are films that are timeless, that no matter how you watch it again and again, it still feels like the first time. That's why they're called classic films.

While he's still deep in his slumber, I press a tender kiss on his forehead, secretly claiming him as my own personal classic movie.

 **A/N: Yes, the story may be lighter than my usual writings but there is a depth to it. Basically the whole premise of this book is one's tendency of being worldly.**

 **What do you think of this chapter?**

 **Margo.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you so much for reading and for reviewing and for favoriting and for following. Now here's the twelfth chapter.**

 **Chapter 12**

 **Confrontation**

Five days later, the Greys invite me over their house for a family dinner. I've been to dinners with them and it happened more than ten times when I was younger and still best friends with Mia. Christian was there too and he would always be quiet, and I didn't even feel his presence. He crept me out before due to his normal glares and grimaces. He would never say a word while eating and over time I've learned to ignore his presence.

I recall the very first time I saw his face:

" _Why aren't you here yet? Chace is being an asshole! I need you here! I need my sister!" Mia is sobbing over the phone and I try my hardest to run fast to their house. She's very heartbroken all because of this Chace guy she met just two days ago. I can't blame her though. He is the living epitome of a young Johnny Depp so if I were her, I'd be reacting this way._

" _Calm down, I'm heading there!" It's evident in my pants that I'm already rushing for her aid._

 _She whines, "Ana, Chace told me that I am not pretty enough for him! Can you believe it? He's telling me that I am not pretty when all people would say that I look like Helen of Troy! Is he serious? I thought we were going out! I thought things would work out!"_

" _What made you expect that things would work out?"_

" _He told me that I have a good smile! He noticed my smile so that meant that he was bewildered! I can't believe this is happening to me! I've already planned the future for us! I already felt like Winona Ryder then he would just tell me that I am not pretty enough? Did he forget all about my smile? How could he reject Winona Ryder?"_

 _It's quite ironic how she planned a happy ending for the two of them when she compared their pairing to Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder who have already broken up. Don't believe her when she says she looks like Winona or Helen of Troy since none of them are true. I don't tell her though because she's gonna have a tantrum, and she'd talk to her poodle, Milkshake over me._

 _Mia looks more like Elizabeth Taylor. Beautiful, isn't she?_

" _Well, Mi—"_

 _She interrupts me, "I'm sorry, Ana but I am baking cookies for us. I'll just wait for you here, okay? Please be here within two minutes because I need a total makeover! I look hideous."_

 _Mia hangs up and I move a bit faster towards her house. She can be very dramatic and be overly beauty conscious but she's my best friend and I love every single part of her, even the bad parts. She can be very annoying when she rants about the different boys she made plans for the future with, but at the end of the day, she bakes the best cookies and we'll just laugh._

 _I finally arrive in front of their majestic house. I've slept here several times and it feels like a vintage hotel. Its architecture takes me back to another time and if I were an actress for a period drama, I would recommend this place for the setting. I wouldn't be surprised since their family has been producing one of the longest running shoe companies in the entire world, distributed to more than one hundred fifty countries. Mia's father, Carrick manages the shoe factories and he practically lives in a plane since he travels everyday while her mother is a blogger for clothes. She's very pretty, and she's a fountain of youth._

 _Reaching the veranda of the front yard, I knock on the cream colored door again and again, expecting that Mia or their butler would open it for me, but as soon as the door opened, the pair of the greyest of grey eyes have been introduced to me. I gulped, eyeing his glorious beauty. He's really tall with fine posture and he could pass as a Hollywood actor declared as the Sexiest Man of People Magazine. What makes him more attractive is that he's holding a book with one hand and it's all about the Mayan Civilization._

 _He raises his brow at me, obviously aware that I am checking out on him._

 _I inform, "Mia wanted me to come over. I am her best friend, Anastasia Steele."_

 _He doesn't do anything but stare. He just acts really cold and it's giving me frostbite. What's making things more complicated is that he's looking at me with no emotions at all. It's really weird and it would've thought he'd be a psychopath if it weren't for his looks. Well, serial killers can be good looking too. Ted Bundy was one of them and he was a lady killer._

 _I'm just being paranoid._

 _After a few seconds, he moves his head, signalling me to come inside. I give him a small nod before stepping inside their Victorian style home. The dining hall is the first room you'll see once you've entered and it's bigger than our apartment. Murals of different landmarks are placed all around, making the house more like a museum. There's also a full length mirror on the right side so it makes the place look even wider than it does._

 _We just stand face-to-face without saying a word and I am nowhere near okay. He just seems really weird. The strength engraved in his blue eyes is enough to make me want to run out of this house. He's an older man that is for sure, so who's he? What's he doing here?_

 _Mia emerges from one of the doors; face covered in greenish flesh cream with pink curlers in her hair, like that mother sheep from the_ Shaun the Sheep _. She's carrying a tray of cookies, wearing her white furry bathrobe. Her poodle, Milkshake nuzzles her legs which is very unusual for a dog. From what I've heard, only cats do the nuzzle thing._

" _You've met my brother already?"_

 _My eyes widen while I turn around to face the handsome but strange tall man again. He doesn't return my gaze as he's focusing on the book he's reading._

" _He's your ahhhhhh brother?"_

" _Yes, he's my ahhhhh brother," Mia knows that 'ahhhhh' means that this is his brother who is drier than the dryer from the laundry shop across the street. Even though he is her brother, he always gets negative reviews. Mia predicts that he will never get married._

 _We both stare at him as he leaves the Grey Dining Hall without saying one word to us. That's really weird because I thought Mia was only exaggerating when she talks about him that way. There is truth in all of the words she is saying. I really want to have a pilot for an older brother but if it were him, I'd choose to be an only child instead. He's not even interested about Mia's love life so that means he's not the protective type, or he just doesn't care at all._

" _Is he mute?" I ask my best friend._

 _She rolls her eyes, "No, he's not! He just has voice box allergies whenever strangers approach him. I told you he's so . . . ahhhhh."_

" _Yeah, he is." I am afraid so._

 _She shrugs and sobs with no tears, "Chace doesn't think I'm pretty!" Then we spend the rest of the afternoon eating cookies while talking about boys and how she just looks like Elizabeth Taylor._

Who would've thought that in this period of time I am going to marry him? He didn't give me the best expression but overtime I found myself trusting him. He may be very quiet but he's just listening and that helps me feel safe with his presence.

Funny how time can show you the impossible: when Mia and I gossip about him, it's all about him dying alone because he would never open up to people. Who would've thought that the two of us will get married? I know this is very unconventional since I'm not sure if other people do it this way too—treat marriage as if it's just a business deal. Who would've thought? I guess only time did.

We hold hands and I try my best not to make it obvious that I already have feelings for him. He's in his khaki suit and tie with shiny brown leather shoes. We have been physically comfortable lately and it little by little, I am opening up to him. The saddest part about this whole thing is that he's just doing it because he's a man and I'm a woman, and not because he is Christian and I am Ana. A girl can hope . . . but hope kills. Should I still continue hoping?

I remember one of Woody Harrelson's scenes in _Friends with Benefits_ where he said that physical relationships for a girl can never be just casual. He meant the ehhhh thing in the film but for me it applies to holding hands and kissing as well. It seems like even though it wasn't meant romantically, it can still mark you.

He parks his other car, grey Audi in front of the gate before we amble inside. The front yard is as varied as the size of my elementary school playground with different colors of roses welcoming visitors. There's a fountain in the middle with the statue of Sapphire Grey in the middle, portrayed as a Greek Goddess.

They said that before this house was built in 1853, Jefferson Grey was a drunkard who didn't have any path in life. He was content of being a drunkard on the street, asking people for duels. Then he met Sapphire and everything changed. She inspired him to become the best man he can be. Therefore he unleashed his skills in shoe making and everybody loved it. To make the long story short, _Toes in Grey_ gained success and Jefferson built this mansion for her.

Since then, the generations of Greys inherited Sapphire's eye color which is grey.

There's warmth in Christian's voice when he states, "I've been so caught up in work that I've forgotten to take you to my house. It's nothing like this place but I'm sure you are going to like it."

I smile at him, "So it's nothing like this?"

"Nope," he says with a popping 'P' and it's the cutest sound ever.

Not responding for a second, the air attacks our skin reminding us that the nights are cooler now especially since it's the fall season. Winter is coming in a few months, making it colder. My aura turns very serious as I recall that this has been the first time we've been alone together since we watched that very awful movie.

"Christian?"

"Yes?"

"I'd like to thank you for what you did five days ago. I was feeling down and I just didn't know what to do. That was the biggest fight I ever had with my mother, and I didn't fail to admit that it had an enormous effect on me. If you weren't there, I would've gone mad and my day would've been worse. You were my saving grace during that time."

He stiffens and all my fears are rising. He responds, "You don't have to thank me for it. I care for you as one human being to another, so it's not a big deal. It's also part of the arrangement that we comfort each other. We have this agreement with companionship and what do companions do? They comfort."

I feel my throat drying, not really surprised by how he responded. What do I expect? His kind gestures are all about the agreement, and not _really about caring_ for me. I don't want him to cancel this out of fear so I swallow my pride and conceal the slight pain he caused me.

"Yes! You are definitely correct!" My voice is too cheerful and that makes him smile. He kisses my lips for a second before we entered the door to the home I'm familiar with.

Everybody greets us like we're on the VIP list. The meters long wooden table is filled with recipes that only restaurants can cook. I shouldn't be really astonished about it since they are the Hastings and they can do whatever they want because they have pockets that never run out of money. Grace, Christian's mother, kisses both of my cheeks before guiding me all the way to my seat. Mia is sitting right across me. Between she and her husband is their two year old baby boy who looks messy right now.

As soon as everyone is seated, Carrick lifts up his champagne celebrating that this is our first ever family dinner.

I don't have second thoughts on getting the lobster. I am going to be officially one of them and I can't wait to have whatever I want. I could just call Elizabeth and inform her that we are going somewhere in Asia because we're very bored. Nothing is difficult when you are a Grey.

The silence during the dinner is interrupted when Carrick asks his only son, "What has your airline company been up to?"

"As of now, the Tigris-Euphrates Airlines is focusing on Philanthropy. I choose to help groups supporting people with mental health problems."

Something about Christian's answer makes Carrick look peculiar.

My future husband expands, "Anxiety is not a form of drama, depression is not a way to attract attention, and bipolar disorder is something a person never wished for. Mental problems are real and they're here because they just are. People don't lure them; in fact, people want to get away from them. The unlucky ones are born with it and the unluckier ones got it because of the pain passed on by people. I need people to be aware of that. It's real. It's happening. I am influential so people will listen to me."

My jaw drops and I clap my hands, volume gradually going up.

He really is something else. Not only that he has his career completely lived out, but he also cares for people in this world. I used to think that he was just a walking monument, staring at others while people stare back. He has a vision for this world and it moves me how he empathizes with people suffering mental health issues. For that, I think I am feeling so much more for him. He just continues proving to me how good of a person he is.

Then their topic focuses on capitalization, distribution, production, etc. I am not really interested with that and neither is Grace.

She tells me all about her plans and how our wedding is happening in their back yard wider than the front yard. She asks details about my wedding gown and she almost jumps out of excitement. We exchange ideas about how the day is going to turn out and I am happy that she's really enjoying this. There are going to be red roses, two doves, and a one million dollar wedding cake. It's going to be a major event and I won't mind if reporters will cover our special day.

When she runs out of something to talk about, we go silent again. My eyes travel around the place once more. Their house is of a Queen Ann Victorian architecture where the dining hall has eight doors, leading all the way to the different parts of the house. It's a mansion and as what Carrick would describe, "It stands as the representation of Jefferson's undying devotion for Sapphire."

My eyes dart to the sight of Ethan and Baby Marcus. They make my heart swell right now. Ethan, the serious rock and roll looking lanky CEO of a multimillion dollar company is acting very goofy with his son. He pretends that the spoon is the airplane so that his son would have the will to eat the green food. Instead his son just giggles at him, like he's a clown in a birthday party.

"Marcus, I am not trying to be funny here!"

"You siwee, Daddy!"

My laughter is loud this time. It's been the first time I've really tried to look at their son and he has the Grey eyes too even though he mostly looks like Ethan. Speaking of Marcus' father, he looks at me and flashes me a toothy grin. I return it while waving at Marcus.

"They are always like this, Ana." I stop breathing. Mia. She is talking to me.

My ex-best friend continues while raking her fingers through her son's blonde hair, "He doesn't like vegetables so we would try whatever we can just to make him eat. He's really picky when it comes to food. He likes meat a lot, kind of like Sokka from Avatar: The Last Airbender."

I can't respond. She's really talking to me.

Ethan adds looking at Mia very in love than ever, "You don't say, Mia? He's a handful but we wouldn't trade him for the world, would we? Well, except for the latest Wii games and Twenty One Pilots latest album, then I wouldn't trade him for the world."

She glares at her husband totally understanding his humor before continuing her speech, "Even with the Wii games and Twenty One Pilots album, we still wouldn't trade him. Ana, Ethan was just a one night stand when I attended this party in college. He was really hot with his tattoos and his voice just embraces me from the stage. We met, got drunk, and Marcus happened. I was scared but I had the guts to inform Ethan and he chose to be a man."

That explains why. I never imagined her to be with a guy like him, but I guess fate just brought the two of them together.

Ethan cockily adds, "I was a charmer back then. She found me irresistible."

Everybody chuckles except for Mia and Christian. I don't even know that everybody's witnessing the conversation I'm having with Mia.

I ask curiously, "Why Marcus?"

"His full name is Marcus Telemachus Grey-Kavanaugh," Mia answers leaving me gobsmacked.

"Huh?"

Ethan tells me, "You can ask your Robot fiancé. He's the one who named him."

"Huh?"

Christian clears his throat before telling me the story, "Mia met Ethan when she travelled to Arizona for this school thing. She was already in New York when she found out about the pregnancy. She told my parents first and they were disappointed so they cut off all her bank accounts. Mia made a firm decision to contact the father and she asked help from me to get to Arizona from New York. I granted her free flight and she told me that I'd get to name her baby in exchange."

"I regret it," she expresses.

That leaves me curious, "What's Marcus Telemachus?"

Ethan adds, "When I first heard him say it, I thought he said Mucus Telephone."

I laugh at that but Christian doesn't. He just seems off tonight. I don't know why but this has started when he brought up his advocacy for people with mental health issues. I don't like this version of him. I'd like to see the human in him.

When the laughter stops, Christian takes the chance to answer, "Marcus is from Marcus Aurelius, the last of the Five Good Roman Emperors. He was the one who said, ' _Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.'_ He's truly one of the best people I'm interested in when I read books about the Roman Empire. His second name, Telemachus comes from Homer's Iliad and Odyssey. Telemachus is the sons of Odysseus and Penelope. He grew up waiting for his father yet still became brave."

Why am I not surprised?

I tell him, "That's great. It's very . . . profound."

Christian doesn't speak anymore. It's just like he has spoken every single word he has to. Mia turns quiet while Ethan feeds little Marcus Telemachus. I notice how Mia is not the same anymore. She used to be the bubbliest girl with the widest of all dreams but now? She's matured but still happy and content.

As we finish eating dinner, Christian excuses himself because of an important phone call. He answers it when he's standing on the veranda of the front yard. Carrick and Grace take the door to the kitchen as they give their helpers a few instructions. They are really cool with them, laughing while still being their boss. Then Ethan takes Marcus to the door leading to the living room.

It's just Mia and I alone.

She clears her throat and instead of the usual impulsive way of verbal attack, she's the stillest when she asks, "Why did you shut me out? Why did you ignore all my phone calls? When I found out I was pregnant with Marcus you were the first person I dialled but you changed your number. I even went to New Jersey but you were not there. Were you really not there?"

Mia has turned into Christian. She isn't showing any emotions at all.

I can't find my voice.

She tells me, "Why? You can tell me. Make me understand."

"You won't understand."

She shakes her head insisting, "But just tell me."

"It's because you have it all, Mia," I barely whisper.

Then her eyes widen, implying that she can play the emotionless game nowhere better than Christian. She is really showing me what she's feeling and it tugs on my heartstrings. How could I ever let myself hurt her?

"I have it all?"

"Yes, you do! You had everything! Mia, you have a family who doesn't make you feel less than the world can give. You have all these boys who want you when you want them. Then you have the dream I've always wanted to have! You made it to Juilliard and I didn't."

She folds her arms and her nostrils flare. Her voice is still calm though, "I have it all? You don't know how badly I struggled. You don't know how every single time I try to be good at school, I end up failing. Didn't you ever listen to me before when I tell you that I don't think I am good enough to be a Grey? The problem with you is that you think that you're the only person who suffers. Everybody has a problem, Ana."

"But not as big as mine and—"

"See? That's what you are. You are downgrading adversities because you think you've had it worse."

I don't reply. I am not prepared for this.

She asks again, "What else? What are the other reasons?"

"My mother borrowed money from your family—from you. I don't know how to be friends with you after that. It's like one huge part of me was shattered when she did that. I didn't have the voice to talk to you nor the eyes to see you. Hell, I didn't have the face to show you. I was ashamed because of who I am. You are going to leave me, Mia. You are going to leave me like all my other friends did."

She looks away now and tears are prickling.

"Mia . . ."

"I accept the first reason but this?" Her voice cracks.

I can't even raise my head now that she's blatantly staring at me.

"You know how this makes me feel? You just made me feel like you didn't have faith in me during the times we formed our sisterhood. I never ever thought that that would be your reason. I would never let our friendship go just because your mother owes me money. I wouldn't even remember that. She never paid us but we never minded, because we love you. I loved you, Ana. You were my sister. How could you think like that?"

She's crying now.

I am too.

"I am so sorry," It comes out as a whisper.

She shakes her head while wiping away her tears, "You don't have to be sorry, Ana. I get it now. You never trusted my friendship. It's all about money when it comes to you, right? It's always been about money."

I continue looking down, tears still running. How many times must I weep?

"Ana, look at the door towards the living room?"

And I do. I see Ethan lying down the floor with Marcus pinching his face.

Staring at the happiest grey eyes, I hear her say, "You are right. I have it all. I have it all because of my boys." Then she stands up to join them.

I look around the house: Mia's family enjoy their time together, Carrick and Grace stare so deeply into each other's eyes, and Christian still shouting over the phone, his hands throwing in the air. Me? I am dressed in a very expensive cocktail dress with a silver purse.

I have everything yet I have no one.

My sadness suddenly melts when I feel his hand rest on my shoulder. I look up to him and it almost seems like the fury he has felt with someone over the phone just dissipated. His eyes are grey orbs of worry.

"Are you okay?"

I reply, "I am now."

 **This story comprises of an estimated 35 chapters in contrary to Seraphic Accident's 44 but this story is much longer. This chapter for one has 4000 words.**

 **What do you think?**

 **Margo.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 13**

 **Peace**

" _Christian is such a weirdo! I brought Mac home and he was completely ignored! I know my brother has problems with meeting new people but could he just pretend that he's happy to meet my boyfriend? Ugh! My wrinkles are forming! I hate this!"_

 _Mia's in our apartment again, occupying my bed. I have to sleep on the floor since she thinks floor has bacteria. It's okay though, if I were her, I'd choose to sleep on the bed rather than the floor._

" _Mia, Mac's just . . . smells. He smells like dog food mixed orange juice. There is not an inch between the two of you so how can you ignore that? Smell his pits, please!"_

 _She rolls her grey eyes while applying the newest moisturizer we bought in the mall earlier. If my wallet wasn't just empty, I'd buy it too. Actually, Mia offered to buy me one but I just can't let her. Just because I am poor and she's rich, doesn't mean that I'd be dependent on her._

 _I insist, "You have been dating Mac for only three weeks and you brought him home already? That's crazy!"_

" _Crazy? It's not crazy, it's falling in love! Ana, we are gonna end up together! I've seen the signs and even you cannot ignore it! Here are the signs: first, our names both start with Letter M! How many people with M as initials end up together? It's rare so it's destiny! Second, Mac is Sagittarius and I am Aries! That is a fiery kind of love, you know. Last but not least, he already knew the lyrics to my favourite song before we met!"_

" _How Deep Is Your Love by The BeeGees?" I say with no tone._

 _She nods and sings the song. Even though I breathe classic movies, I never really liked classic songs and I never had the interest to listen to them. Mia's just in love with songs from the 50's up to the 90's. I love old movies while she loves old songs. Maybe that's why our friendship works: a movie needs a soundtrack and a song put into a motion picture brings more meaning to it. I guess we are just better together._

 _Out of curiosity I ask, "Does Christian have a girlfriend?"_

 _She frowns, "Ana, are you trying to tell me something?" I want to slap my forehead with that one. I have forgotten that Mia is the kind of person who jumps into the most impossible conclusion. Seriously? She's thinking I'm going to like Christian? That is never gonna happen? Me and Christian? It's a no-no._

" _You disgust me, Mia. There millions of guys in the world so why should I settle with the one who's drier than the dryer in the laundry shop across the street?" I don't control my words since Mia often acts like the two of them are not related. According to her, Christian has always been a reserved kind of boy. Regardless of his charm and physique, he's just silent and quiet about everything. He never shows affection and Mia's only warm memory of him is when she was five and he twelve. He got her a dog and that dog is Milkshake._

 _My bestfriend is relieved, "Eww! For a second I thought you were gonna confess about your feelings for him! It's a good thing that you don't think romantically of my brother. It's not because he's Christian, my brother but because he is Christian, and that is a huge difference!"_

" _What do you mean by 'he is Christian'?"_

 _She replies in the most casual manner, "Something just happened before and not even my parents want to share it with me! I'd really like to know why Christian's been emotionless lately but yeah, everyone's been keeping the secret from me. I don't care though. Why are we even talking about him?!"_

 _Somehow I can't just shrug this off, "There has got to be something in the past and—"_

 _She snaps, "Let's not talk about my brother ever again, okay? Just let it go, Ana."_

 _My eyes widen and I can't deny that she has hurt me with her voice range. She's making me feel like I am the most annoying person in the world when I didn't have any intentions to be nosey or anything. I just wanted to know some juicy bits and gossips like what best friends do. That's when I begin to wonder: Is Mia really my best friend or my boss?_

 _Mia starts talking aboutMac and how he plans to marry her in France after high school. I know she knows that I am nowhere interested but she just doesn't stop talking. The guilt is obvious in her. Of all the words Mia cannot speak, it's 'sorry'. I know she feels bad for raising her voice at me but her pride's too high for the s word. When she finally gets exhausted, Mia yawns and falls into a deep slumber._

 _An hour or two has already passed but I still can't sleep. The floor is too uncomfortable and she's too noisy. She utters, "Shrek" and "Donkey" over and over, and I just can't sleep here anymore. Her presence is becoming too much for me to handle. I stand up and stare at her sprawling body. Her saliva's dripping down the right corner of her lips and I just shake my head._

 _At least there is one thing she's not good at in life: Looking pretty while sleeping._

 _I get out of my room and after my eyes finally adjust to the darkness, I lead myself to the cracked door to the right. I open it slowly before tiptoeing. I am at my most careful since they're going to attack me if I wake them up. Finally I lay down right next to my mother. I wrap my arms around her and inhale her scent._

 _I will never know why but a mother's scent is the best comfort. The moonlight passes through the dusted window of the room and it's making the rise and fall of her chest visible. She's sleeping soundly and I am so jealous of her. I wrap my arms around her tighter this time—so tight that I don't even recognize she's waking up._

" _Ana?" With her voice still groggy and eyes still closed, she figures out who lied down next to her._

" _Mom?"_

" _What's wrong?" She sounds alarmed._

" _Nothing . . ."_

" _Is it because of Mia?" I don't know how she does it. I don't know how she knows me that well. I don't say anything and it's enough of an affirmation on her side. She turns to face me and hugs me back, kissing my forehead._

" _What happened this time?" Mom whispers in the dark._

" _Sh-she . . . she's . . . ugh! I don't even know. It's like she just has everything under control—that everything goes easy for her, including intimidating me in just one snap of her voice."_

 _Mom soothes my back, "Ana, I think I know where this is coming from. I think it's deeper than that."_

" _What?"_

" _Where did you go before here?"_

" _To the mall. She bought her new moisturizer and—"_

" _You are jealous. Ana, you are jealous of her. I am your mother so you just have to admit it, okay? I am not judging you because of that. I know how you feel. You two are the polar opposites so I am not shocked that one of you will have a negative reaction. Ana, are you jealous of Mia?"_

 _It's the first and only time I say yes._

" _Dear, I had more than ten friends in high school. We were sort of the clique everybody wanted to be a part of and when I checked them on Facebook almost two decades later, I had self-pity. They travelled around the world and had experiences with unlimited shopping and purchasing new vehicles. I was dying, Ana. They were all talking about the places they've been to and other fancy things while me? I couldn't tell them anything. It was jealousy. However, that didn't hinder me from attending our private reunion."_

" _How did it go?" Her answer surprises me._

" _It went life-altering. We were in a yacht and they talked about Milan and Paris and Tokyo and Volvo and Mercedes Benz and the jewelleries! Oh my goodness! I was about to be deaf! So when it's my turn, I talked about you."_

" _Me?"_

" _Yes, you."_

" _Why?" Isn't that embarrassing?_

 _She kisses my forehead once again before yawning, "You already know it, Ana. Can I go back to sleep now? It's twelve midnight."_

 _I let her sleep and I let myself be a small child once again. I cling onto her all throughout the night, completely in denial as to why she'd talk about me._

 _The next day, Mom surprised me with the moisturizer._

"Ana, are you okay?" I am transported back to where I am in the present. Christian's standing in front of me, still in his suit and tie. He hands me a glass of red champagne before standing right next to me. We are inside his house and it's just what I expect: plain and grand at the same time, simply aesthetic. The cream coloured walls reflect his personality and the glass walls overlook the highway and lining trees below. There's a pool and he never uses it. I don't even know why it's there.

The furniture all scream artistic. It's a mixture of black, white, cream, and beige. It's all Christian. What makes it lacking is that it need to have a touch of grey since those are his beautiful eyes.

I've been becoming sentimental since the wedding is in three days. There is a huge part of me wanting to step down from the agreement but I just can't. To live in a house like this? To have a million dollar worth of credit card? To forget Anastasia Steele and be a Grey? How can I say no to that? He's offering me the life I've always dreamed of and if I were still the girl I was in high school, I'd be prideful and I'd smack him on the face.

But now?

After everything struggle I've conquered, I don't want to conquer another one. I just said yes without thinking of it—without thinking that my downfall in the agreement could be my impending and growing feelings for him.

Silence exists between Christian and I while I'm watching the paintings placed on his walls. There are more than ten and they're all about airplanes. Some are photographs and some are paintings (cubism or abstract) but my favourite image of all is the sketch placed just above the furnace. It's a drawing of a girl's back, wind blowing her dark curly hair and floral skirt. There is an airplane from afar and I bet if I could only see her face, she'd be more than ecstatic to take the plane.

"This is beautiful," I finally find the word to describe it but it just isn't enough. It is so much more than beautiful.

Of all the shocking things about Christian, this is the most shocking one, "I made that."

I drop my glass to the floor, but not flinching. He gets worried and cleans the broken glass from the marbled floor. I don't even hear him when he asks me if I wounded myself or not, because I'm just too astounded to move. He made this? Christian made this work of art?

"Ana, answer me please. Are you okay?"

I blink for the first time before asking, "You made this? You, Christian?"

"Yes, I did," he confirms before throwing the shattered pieces of the glass onto the silver bin.

"Christian, it's magnificent! Oh my gosh! Do you know what this is? This is talent, Christian! I am so amused right now! I can't believe that someone like you could sketch something like that! I . . . I am lost. Am I really awake?"

He laughs and pulls me to sit down right on his lap, arms wrapped around my shoulders, chin rested on top of my shoulder, awakening the hope in me. He doesn't say a word. I want him to talk about his experiences as an artist and if he ever did stop sketching. If he did, I would flip the table. It's too good! It's really good! I always wanted to have a talent in drawing but I can't even develop it as a skill. He just has it: pilot, businessman, artist, and my fiancé! How did I get so lucky?

"Oh my! I just didn't expect this at all!"

Christian smirks to himself, "I figured you'd react that way."

"Are you still sketching, Christian?"

Much to my dismay, he shakes his head.

I fold my arms and give him a lecture, "Christian, you are awesome! That artwork got me from the first time I laid my eyes on it! I don't even know why you never ever told me about this talent of yours! Can you show me more?"

He shakes his head while releasing a sad smile.

"Why?"

Christian makes it clear that he doesn't want to talk about it so he sort of changes the topic, "Ana, what did you expect? That I'll be just all about airplanes and business?"

. . . Is he serious?

I stop blinking then I guffaw.

He raises his brow completely clueless about the whole reason why, "Is there something funny? Ana, you are being weird."

"Christian, you are all about your airline company! That's all you talk about! Your world revolved around your company and nothing else! Come on! You-you have been like that since we first met. Before you had your airline company, you were all about books-all about those historical stuffs that I've got no idea about!"

"Since the day we first met? You still remember that day?" He smiles and it just stops everything around me. Oh dear! How did I get to sound so cheesy!

"Of course, I remember it!"

"What was your first thought about me?"

"That you are humourless!"

He looks insulted, "I am humourless? How dare you, Anastasia Steele? I have the best jokes! I am a natural comedian."

"What?" Looking at him right now, I doubt that he is the same Christian.

Christian arrogantly informs, "I could make a witty joke with your last name!"

"How?" Why am I already laughing?

"Please check your phone; You are superwoman because you are a woman of Steele!"

"Huh?"

He pauses and monotonously speaks, "You seriously don't get it?"

"I don't!"

"I used your last name to replace the steel metal word and Superman's the man of steel, right?"

I look at him with an amused expression before bursting into my loudest laughter. My stomach is hurting. He's trying so hard but he's failing. Christian looks really pissed off as he arranges his tie properly. Did he seriously expect me to laugh like it's the best joke ever? That's funnier!

Tears are coming out from my eyes and when I look at him, he's finally laughing with me too. It's almost as if we are laughing at nothing and it's very tranquil. I could easily get pacified by just looking at his face.

"I may not be a good joker but I am a good dancer."

That is tested and proven. Christian showed how great of a dancer he is during his Old Hollywood themed birthday. There is so much more to him than airplanes and his business, and every single thing I get to know about him just make me fall deeper into this pit full of fire. I know this will burn me in the end, but the fall is too good to even think about the landfall.

Christian plays a very familiar song before pulling me up to dance with him.

It's no other than Mia's all-time favourite song, _How Deep is Your Love_.

Just like the first time, we spin, we sway, and we smile. What's different is that I am more confident in dancing now. He pulls me closer, so close that I can feel the beat of his heart against my chest and the warmth of his breath on my cheeks. He whispers the lyrics of the song to me and I lost myself in the fantasy that it might be the words he wanted to say to me.

The mellow tune suits his velvet voice perfectly.

 _I know your eyes in the morning sun._

 _I feel you touch me in the pouring rain._

 _And the moment that you wander far from me_

 _I wanna feel you in my arms again_

 _And you come to me on a summer breeze_

 _Keep me warm in your love_

 _Then you softly leave_

 _And it's me you need to show_

 _How deep is your love?_

 _How deep is your love?_

 _How deep is your love?_

 _I really need to know._

' _Cause we're living in a world of fools_

 _Breaking us down_

 _When they all should let us be_

 _We belong to you and me_

 _I believe in you_

 _You know the door to my very soul_

 _You're the light in my deepest darkest night_

 _You're my savior when I fall_

 _And you may not think that I care for you_

 _When you know down inside that I really do_

 _And it's me you need to show_

 _How deep is your love?_

We dance and dance even though the song is in replay. Our hands locked together, eyes attached and smile shown. I bet this is the first time his house has been a dance floor.

My thought goes back to the first time we met—to the first time he opened the door and stared at me for a long time. I know he's not gonna answer it but I still ask him, "Christian, what was your first thought about me?"

My breath hitches the moment our bodies stop moving. We just stand there, vis-à-vis, Christian becoming more open by each moment. He looks me in the eye and confesses, "Peace. I thought of peace when I saw you."

Then he pulls me in for a passionate kiss. Our lips found solace with each other. It was fire. It was war. Most of all, it was peace.

 **Author's Note:**

 **First of all, thank you so much for reading.**

 **Second of all, I AM SORRY for the mistakes and errors. This was an original story written two years ago and sometimes I miss some words. I am so sorry.**

 **Third, I would like to defend the million dollar cake. I know of one. $7,000,000.00 cake. $1,000,000 for each layer.**

 **Reminder: I DO NOT OWN FSOG and How Deep Is Your Love.**

 **So uhm . . . what do you think of this chapter?**

 **Margo.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note below.**

 **Chapter 14**

 **Desire**

Our lips move together in synchrony and each second is getting more intense. Our lips attack each other so fiercely that my body's feeling the heat. The song fades in the background and only the sounds of our kisses are heard. "Hmmm . . ." I express from time to time. He's such a great kisser and I can't even describe how great it is.

Then, my heartbeat gradually increases in speed when Christian's tongue begged for entrance. I don't know what I'm doing but I let him in. The taste of him is like coffee during rainy mornings. It's the kind of perfect that you don't get every day. I know that he could tell that I am not experienced with this but he doesn't even pull away.

His tongue roams around inside my mouth, tasting every inch and it seems so natural when mine does the same too. I don't know where it's coming from but I just know how to. I wrap my arms around his neck feeling the moment.

For the first time, I let myself loose. I am already twenty-four and Christian's worth my kisses, right? He's not my first kiss but he's my first deep kiss.

His hands add pleasure as they trace my sides so tenderly, up and down again and again until I moan tenderly. Like his, my hands move in its own accord. They reach up to the top of his head, raking through the wildness of his copper hair.

He pulls away only to trail kisses down my neck and making me produce those sounds of pleasure again and again. He finds a spot on the right side of my neck and lingers there longer, sucking until I know that he has made his mark.

"Christian," I gasp and that makes him growl.

This time he stops what he's doing as he straightens his back and his gaze falls upon me in the most intense manner. The ferocity in his grey eyes feels like a typhoon in a summer day and . . . I am just lost. His face is so beautiful that my finger traces the outline of his shape.

I feel so much for him. There's no denying that I am falling in love. I cannot deny that at all.

Then, he makes it impossible for me to deny my feelings when he presses his forehead against mine, his breath brushing across my face when he says, "Let me make you feel good, Ana. Let me."

All I can do is nod.

His lips are back to mine again only this time it's stronger than ever. His grip in my arms have tightened, not in a possessive manner that it hurt but it's as if he's claiming me as his own. He's pushing me forward and forward until my back is pressed against the wall.

He pulls back only to gaze at me with lustful eyes while his fingers unbutton the expensive blouse I just bought. No one has ever seen me this way and it makes me nervous. As all the buttons are undone, he slides the sleeves down from my shoulders letting the shirt fall to the floor. There I stand in just my bra and Christian? He's more than on fire.

His hand reaches out only for his fingers to trace from the valley between my breast and all the way down my stomach. I decide to stop restraining myself. I do the same with his as well. My fingers are shaking when I do so but I don't stop.

I lick my bottom lip as I finally see him topless. He has six-pack abs and his muscles are toned, shoulders so broad. He kneels down only to kiss the bare skin of my upper body.

Then, he reaches out from behind to unclasp my bra and I almost want to run. It's not that no one has ever seen me this way. Well, I am not like the typical girl every guys wants after. I am so plain and my breasts are too small for my liking. Both of my hands cover up my breasts as soon as the shirt falls down the floor.

He scowls, completely disapproving.

"Why are you covering yourself?" He sounds completely different.

"They're not big enough," I mumble like a child.

That makes him smile, like really smile. I get so distracted with the way his lips move upward that I don't even notice that he just help me uncover myself. My breasts are now exposed to him and I expect the look of disappointment but he sure as hell feels the exact opposite.

His hands touch them tenderly and lovingly until they just grab them and squeeze them tightly. I moan in the mix of pleasure and slight plain. He doesn't stop though. His lips kiss them in every space and I moan out loud when he begins sucking my nipple. He starts with the right nipple, sucking so intensely and I moan.

I moan even louder when his thumb rolls my left nipple. I just can't handle this anymore. Yes, I have experienced being wet before but this is so different. I am coming undone before him. Just when I think that I might come, he stops what he's doing and I am left with so much frustration.

He smirks though, "You want more?"

I feel too shy to speak but to desperate to be silent.

"Come on, Ana, tell me. Do you want more?"

He is very different now. He's far from the stoic Christian I know. He's lustful and there's a part of him that just unleashed. It's like this part of him has been supressed for too long that he cannot handle it now.

"Yes, I want more," I barely whisper.

"Your wish, my command," he uncharacteristically says before reaching up to kiss my lips passionately then kneeling back down as he unhooks my pants. He pulls it down my legs alongside my panties. They're all lying on the ground with my other clothes and I'm left with nothing.

Then, all those things most of my female friends have talked about, I am finally going to experience. He touches it, my most private area and there's satisfaction in his face when he says, "Wet already? You are so wet, Anastasia. You are very wet."

"Only for you," I don't know why I said that but it made me powerful.

For some reason, that intensifies the lust he's feeling. Two fingers are grazing my clit and my legs are quivering because of the intense pleasure. The spot is so sensitive and his fingers just make it impossible for me to stay silent. How long can I keep this up?

"Don't come, Anastasia," he warns with voice so forceful.

I try my best to obey.

Then, I release a full audible gasp when one finger inserts all the way in.

"Are you okay?" he asks full of concern.

"I am," I tell him.

It's just his finger and it's already giving me discomfort. What happens during the wedding night? His index finger slides in and out in a very slow pace and as the minutes pass I'm beginning to seriously want things to speed up.

"Faster, Christian."

"Are you sure?"

"Please faster," I tell him and he does so and his finger plunges and in and out of me so fast that my body shakes to the fast tempo he's creating. The pleasure goes high and high and high and higher until it has reached its highest.

I came and to my shock, his mouth replaces his fingers.

Still not recovered, he doesn't seem to consider. His tongue mercilessly explores my walls and it's becoming too much for me to handle. My hand both hold on to his shoulders as he continues kissing me down there in an animalistic way.

It gets more intense when he spreads my legs wider and leaves one hanging on his shoulder. I close my eyes as I moan his name over and over again. My face raises to the direction of the ceiling and my mouth opens because of too much pleasure.

I am reaching my high.

His tongue licks and licks while my hands are on his hair now, tugging to the point that even I feel his pain.

Then, I finally come.

I slide down the floor next to a shirtless Christian who is breathing in the same pace as I am.

At the back of my mind, I call myself names like whore, prostitute, or hooker but when I take a look at Christian, he doesn't make me feel that way.

I don't want to let myself expect but when he looks at me this way, it's hard not to fall for him. He closes the space between us and rests his forehead against my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" he breathes.

"I am okay."

"Did I make you feel good?" There's no hint of arrogance or cockiness or even sensuality in the way he asks it. It's like he's asking me because he wants it to be memorable for my first time.

"No, you didn't. You made me feel . . . desired," I tell him truthfully. Then, I expect him to return to his stoic persona. He always seems to be the kind of person who would run away from affection.

To prove me wrong he unrests his forehead from my shoulder only to replace it with his lips. Such tender touch makes me feel lightning inside.

There are no movies. There are no wild imaginations. There are no overboard dramatic sequences in thought. It's just me and him. That's way more than intimate.

"Let's go to bed?"

To add much hope to my already swelling heart he carries me all the way to his bedroom.

"You really had no one kiss you down there?" I enjoy this carefree him. The two of us are lying on our sides, facing each other. What's amazing is that this is a king sized bed but there's no space between us. For me, that already means so much.

"No one ever gave me an Australian kiss."

He raises his brow, "What?"

"It's like French kiss but in the land down under. You haven't heard of that?"

Then, he starts laughing as if there is no tomorrow. I smile at that sight. He should always be like this. Smiles suit him even better. He is amazing in every single thing he does. But this one? It's just the best.

"You know what, Ana? You make me laugh."

"That's an honor," I say truthfully.

His laughter fades then my heart flutters once more when he's mindlessly tracing my arm with his right thumb.

"Ana?"

"Hmmm?"

"Nothing," he answers. I know there has to be something but I don't want to push him. I don't want him to go back to his robotic state.

I change the topic, "Who's your first kiss?"

I want to slap myself. I keep dodging the fact that he could go back to being the robot him in a matter of seconds but look at what I've done. With that one mindless question, he's back to his cold aura and I feel his touch pull away. I already miss it.

"Christian, what's wrong?"

He looks down now.

"Christian, you can always tell me."

He doesn't listen.

"I will be your wife. I will be your friend. You have to trust me."

Then, that's the moment he looks up to me with vulnerability.

"What happened?" I pressed dying to know of his past.

"My first love was a girl named Andrea," there is a mysterious glow in the way he says her name. I don't feel a hinge of jealousy. It's not like he's speaking of love. It's like he has this regret.

He continues:

"You know, I wasn't always the nice kid. I always picked on my classmates. You could say that I'm a bully. I enjoy putting some kids in misery especially the geeks. Well, that all changed when I met her. She's this transferee with long legs and I just fell in love. I changed my ways. I became the person she wanted me to be.

It was going as smoothly as I expected it to be. It was like I am going to be with her and nothing can stop that. That day I was supposed to meet with my best friend since we were both invited to this party but I let him go alone because I want to get Andrea. I want to have her. Then I just saw her wrapped around somebody's arms. She's married to him now and they're very happy."

The way he speaks about it is melancholic but I am not convinced. I know that he's telling me the truth but something's just off.

I ask, "Is she the girl you sketched? The one looking at the airplane?"

"No, she's not."

Then, it has confirmed what I thought. He hasn't told me the complete story. There are still things that he's hiding but this? It's already something big. I already know a small piece of his past and it's enough for now. I could sense the pain when he recalls what have happened before.

"Thank you for sharing, Christian."

He turns silent then, acting like he's back to that place from years ago.

As the clock ticks, his eyes are finally closed as he falls into a deep slumber. My fingers comb through his hair and that's when I feel so much for him. He's acting cold but he is made out of gold. He's the unlikely hero of a movie—one who doesn't seem good at first but proves everyone wrong in the end.

His heart is gold and though it may have been frozen for so long, it will still go on. Kind of like Jack from _Titanic_.

I kiss his forehead before sleeping right next to him, arms wrapped around his brittle frame.

The next morning seems like paradise.

There is still soreness in some spots of my body but I try to ignore them. All I can think about now is the beauty of Christian's room. Much like his living room, it's very Instagram-worthy. That makes me take a selfie and post it on Instagram with a hashtag woke up like this. Of course, my face is there but the room is emphasized. It's just like a museum with a bed.

I am skipping like a child all the way down the kitchen but as I see him in his usual businessman mode, all that radiance just melts away.

"Good morning, Anastasia." There he goes again. There are no emotions anymore.

"Good morning, Christian," I whisper.

"Gail already prepared your breakfast. You can choose from the five dishes she prepared for you." There really are five dishes for an early morning meal and it just amazes me. Look at the bacon and the eggs and the hotdogs! The bacon for example are in the shape of a flower while the eggs resemble the sun.

"Gail's talented."

"She's a highly trained cook from France. She quit her job to work as my private chef."

WHAT? I can't help but shake my head. A private chef everyday? WOW! I can definitely live with that.

"What are these?" I ask when I finally notice piles of paper next to the plates.

"Read and sign it. I will be right back." He says stoically before grabbing his phone and dialling a number.

I read and they are prenuptial agreements. My jaw is not dropping because Christian says here that what's mine in his when we're married and that if we get divorced, I get 50% of all things he owns.

What makes me shocked is that he considers that we might get divorced.

We'll only get divorce if somebody falls in love, right?

Well maybe . . . just maybe . . . he's falling for me too.

The wedding's tomorrow and this must be what they call wedding jitters. I don't know why but I am just nervous. When we first agreed with this marriage, I thought that it's all going to be casual and that money will be raining down on me. Although it's still part of my desires, I already know that I have installed this small hope in me.

I hope that someday he'll feel the same.

Yes, this is messed up.

I check the clock and it's already twelve midnight. I pull my hair, figuring out how to sleep for tomorrow.

Just like all the times I'm weary, there's only one person I can run to when I have problems and she's the only person who is never gonna judge me despite of all my wrong-doings. Since this is my last night in this apartment, I do it: I invade my mother and father's room and lay down right next to Mom.

Her scent is the antidote to my insomnia.

She feels me embracing her and I fear that she might push me away.

And after all the things I've said to her and the anger I've stored deep within, she pulls me tighter and lose myself in tears. She kisses my forehead like before—like it's the last time I am her unmarried eldest child. She leans in and whispers, "I love you, Anastasia. I'm gonna miss you here."

I find myself saying, "Me too, Mom. I love you too."

She smiles in content.

I want to tell her that I'm sorry for the words I said but I keep it to myself instead. My pride is too big to be swallowed up.

 **Author's Note: My sincerest thank you to each and every single one of you!**

 **The Andrea thing is just a piece of his past. There is more to come.**

 **What do you think about this chapter?**

 **Margo.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Note below.**

 **Chapter 15**

 **Wedding**

"Are you ready?"

"I am more than ready."

The entire Grey home has transformed like a replica of the Grand Plaza. Everybody's wearing pastel dresses and slick black tuxes, signifying the formality of this union. While me? I am staring at myself at the mirror, wearing the silky white wedding dress I purchased from Confess. Mom's gazing at me as if I am an angel who just fell from the sky. To be honest, I look like I am. With my glossy red lipstick and smoky eyes and curled hair pulled up into a messy bun, I deserve to be the cover of a famous bridal magazine.

"I am really happy for you, dear. I really am." Mom sounds like she's about to cry, so I kiss her forehead tenderly. She gives me a sentimental smile before placing the finishing touch of my look: the veil. She covers my face with it and our long sigh of contentment is in sync. This is it! I am going to be Anastasia Steele-Grey in a short while.

We are in my future mother-in-law's room where the mirror fully consumes the spaces of the wall. My father knocks on the door and like my mother, he looks like he is going to weep. He reaches out his arms and I hook mine with his. Mom kisses my cheek once more before going to the backyard where the wedding ceremony is set.

"I can't believe that my little Ana is getting married!"

"Dad, I am not little anymore."

He stares at nothing and breathes out, "No, you're not."

"Cheer up, Dad! I am getting married so you should be happy!"

Dad gives me the fakest smile and I can't help but chuckle. I realize that no matter how unfortunate he is financially, his love for me is priceless. He leads me out of the room and into the backyard and my heart is beating faster than a hummingbird's wings. Wedding are a big deal even if it's not for love. I guess girls are just like that. Weddings? Kisses? Sex? It's always going to be a big deal.

The scent of freesia, lilac, and daisies are everywhere. Everything is in its celestial form, including the falling dried leaves from the trees. This is the real definition of sanctuary. I am the star of the day, and not Mia. I am on my path towards the happily ever after I've always dreamed of. What is my own personal happy ending?

To shop everywhere like Sharpay Evans or Blair Waldorf

To become the most followed person on social media

For people to compliment me because of my acting skills

To travel all around the world

To live in such a grand house like Christian's

To have everything I want in one snap of a finger

To accomplish that Oscar

For people to think that I'm so great that Christian married me

To win life

To have it all, every single thing

When I think back, I never thought marrying Christian would be part of the equation, but the thing is there are some dreams that we can't achieve alone. We either need someone who wants to lift us up or drag us down in order to know our full capacity to achieve that goal. It's idealistic for a woman to become rich all on her own, that's what I wanted, and however, there are circumstances where control can't ever be a part of. Sometimes the only option is to wed a privileged person. I tried. Believe me, I tried but life had other plans and it brought me to this moment.

I am finally going to live life to the fullest. The seven continents? I can explore them. Chanel, Alexander McQueen, John Galliano? I can purchase them. Everything? I can have it with Christian's aid.

Then all of a sudden, my father and I start to walk down the aisle full of scattered petals of blue jasmines. The song makes me stop on my track. It's no other than the same song Christian and I danced to just days ago. "How Deep is Your Love" by The BeeGees is playing in a saxophone instrumental version and it's slowed down tempo just makes this time look cinematic.

 _Runaway Bride, The Wedding Singer, About Time . . ._ all of the wedding scenes in it is nothing compared to this. I look at the band and it's Ethan who's playing the saxophone. My heart twists in pain as I travelled back in time once more.

" _Wise men say only fools rush in but I can't help falling with yoooooooouuuuu!" It's karaoke night in our apartment and Mia's acting like she can sing so good like Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston. If she has the golden voice then that would indicate that the world is so unfair. I eye her from head to toe and she's wearing brand new Louboutin shoes. I bet they'd fit my feet more perfectly._

 _My family seems to be pretty amazed by her. She really has a sense of humour especially when she sings since she does some vibratos and falsettos that sound like a squirrel dying from a vehicular accident. As she sings her tenth song of the night, she stands up to dance and grab everybody's hands as if she's in a stadium full of sixty million people._

 _I am proud she's my bestfriend but why does she have to be so perfect?_

" _Oh my gosh! Ana, this is my favourite song! Let's sing this!"_

 _Like the submissive person in our friendship, I roll my eyes and sing the BeeGees song with her. I really don't get why she likes this song so much! It's just so overrated. But then again, Mia lives in an era where her ears only know Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, The Beatles, and a lot more singers I can't name._

" _How deep is your love? I really need to knoooooowwww!" I can't take it anymore. I am laughing hysterically because she sounded like a cow being slaughtered. Mia's laughing at herself too and she rests her head on my shoulders still continuing the song like there's no tomorrow. I feel bad for our neighbors right now, but Mia's really joyous of her own voice so there's nothing we can do about that._

 _When the song ends, Mia's breathing has gone rapid as if she just finished a marathon. She still rests her head on my shoulder while expressing in between breaths, "That's the best song ever created in this world!"_

" _Why? You should listen to Coldplay or Green Day. I bet you'd change your mind."_

" _Ana, they're good but they're just not my taste. This song, How Deep is Your Love is just so . . . deep."_

" _Yes, of course, it is." She can sense my sarcastic tone._

 _Mia sits down properly and gives me a lecture, "Ana, this song is more than just a song! This song is the reason why Christian and I exist! Mom and Dad were in a concert in Chicago watching The BeeGees and their eyes just locked together when this song played! They fell in love and poof! Christian and I are here!"_

" _What? So you think that you can meet your true love because of this song?"_

 _She looks like she's about to lose her patience, "That is clearly not my point but I don't wanna waste time getting mad at you."_

" _So what is your point?" That your parents are perfect too?_

 _Mia grabs my hands and vows, "I know you don't want to get married. We've talked a lot about that but we never really know what the future has in store for us, right? Ana, I am making this vow with you as your sister. We will have the same wedding song and it's How Deep is Your Love by The BeeGees!"_

" _You are crazy!" I smile._

" _Yes, I am the craziest! So do you agree?"_

 _Rolling my eyes, I say, "I agree!" after all, Marriage and I will never be._

My eyes spot Mia sitting with her family. Little Marcus is on her lap while she looks at me with a soft expression. There is still some coldness in her grey orbs but I can tell that her friendship for me is overpowering it. She makes me feel guilty. This song to be played is bittersweet. What did she ever do to me to make me hate her before?

Oh right, her perfection.

But now I am starting to ask, " _Is she really perfect? Is anyone in this world perfect?"_

Even though this is the wedding song, Mia and I have a long way to go to retrieve the friendship we lost—I lost. But look at the bright side, this is the start. Who knows? Only time can reveal if we can still be who we were.

I look away from my former best friend before my eyes lay upon Christian's lean frame and in a brief moment, the world has turned into a black and white filtered montage and he's the only one who shined with colours. His tux suits him well and he just looks immaculate especially standing waiting on the altar, still wearing the same facial expression but his eyes? It's a whole lot different story.

There is something in the way he looks at me that makes me know that he cares—that I am something more.

And every step closer to him, every second my eyes meet his, all those worldly thoughts have gone astray. The list? It has incapacitated. It's scary how my mind screams, "I am marrying Christian and that's all that matters." What is going on with me? We gaze at each other for a long time before I finally reach him.

With the priest before us, we stand face to face and like I said, his face may be hard to read but his eyes are not. For a second, I am drowned in the possibility that he could develop feelings for me.

We are now in the part where we have to say our vows and my heart slightly gets broken when all he says it, "I will stay with you until the end." To those who are here, they thought it meant that he will stay with me until death, and that no matter what happens we will be there for each other, just the two of us. For me, I know he means divorce. Somewhere deep inside him, he fears that I might have feelings for him and I know that it will cause the divorce.

It's my turn to speak now and my heart pounds the whole time because I want to tell him, _"I don't love you but I am starting to, and I hope that one day you'd be able to feel the same. I hope that you will learn how to trust me—that you will learn how to open up about your past. I will stay with you no matter what. Let's explore the world together, just the two of us until the end of time. I will be there for you as long as you will let me. Please just let me."_

Of course, I only settle for the classic line from Ghost, my vow only composes of one word, "Ditto" and he relaxes.

We exchange the rings and the "Speak now or forever hold your piece" part before the priest declares, "You may now kiss the bride."

Christian and I kiss, and unlike before, our lips just don't touch. I finally know why two lips meet: It's because there are words our mouth can't ever express and these words are the message conveyed only when lips touch. Our lips move for a long time, not caring whose watching. From right to left then cupping his cheeks, it's a different kind of feeling. It really is something.

When we pull away, our ears start to function back. We finally hear a huge round of applause and even a whistle from his two bodyguards. Paulina is tearing up while his mother has already fainted. It's such a crowd.

I look atmy husband. . . _my husband_ and with the most natural urge within me, I lean and tiptoed on my heels when I kiss his cheek.

Christian stiffens but I swear for a brief second he smiles.

All of us move to the front yard for the wedding reception and it's very typical. People are getting emotional and there are some media men pushed out by Christian's bodyguard. I still can't believe that he is my husband though. This is surreal. I am married to a billionaire! This is crazy! I don't even dare to blink because I'm afraid that this might disappear.

Dad talks, "Christian you take care of my daughter, okay? Don't you ever treat her like your punching bag! I will kill you if you do! Now Christian, welcome to the family! You can call me whatever you want except for Daddy, okay? Just treat my daughter well and I'm okay! Thank you for making my daughter happy, Christian! P.S. You are still drier than the dryer in the laundry shop across town."

Now it's Grace's turn and she is sobbing, we can barely understand a word, "My son, I am so happy! I never thought this day would come! I thought you've given up on yourself! You gave up on your art, you gave up on love, and you just gave up on your happiness! Anastasia, I have treated you like a daughter from the start and it's so nice to know that it's legal. I love you, Ana! Welcome to the Grey family! Thank you for giving Christian a second chance in life."

Second chance?

I am completely puzzled.

I look at my husband and he just looks down. I reach out to hold his hand but he doesn't grab tight. Whatever happened in the past must have been something so big that it has given him a scar. I want to know what it is but I just have to wait. I don't know how long it's gonna be but one day I'd find out about the story.

After all the heartfelt messages, everyone just dances.

Ethan continues to be the singer of the event and Elizabeth is his top supporter. She's cheering for him while Marcus is sleeping peacefully.

"What's your plan now, dear?" Mom asks me as we are the only people sitting down.

"I am still going to pursue acting."

Her face turns sour when she doubts, "Are you sure about that?"

I roll my eyes, gaining my attitude snapping at her, "Mom, seriously?! Are you going to ruin my wedding day too?! Please don't! I just want to be at peace since this has become the turning point of my life. Mom, stop it! Just stop!"

She sighs, "I'm sorry I messed up again."

You always do, Mom. I roll my eyes before letting it go, "I am sure about becoming an actress. I really want to be an actress! I am planning to go to Juilliard or pass some auditions that could give me the Hollywood breakthrough performance! It's all going to happen, Mom!"

Like the usual person she is, she discourages me, "What if it can't?"

"Why do you keep on insisting that?"

"Because I am worried about you, dear."

"How?"

"Just . . . what if?"

"Mom, listen to me, okay? I am certain that I will be an Oscar winner someday. You've seen me perform in theatrical shows when I was in high school, right? You even said that I was really good, so just believe in me, okay?"

Her hands capture mine when she clarifies, "Okay, I believe in you. Don't ever think that this is about doubting your talent. If life is just all about talent, then you would have been an Oscar winner by now. Talent however is not the only ingredient to success. You need to have _luck._ What if luck is not on your side? What do you do?"

"Mom . . ." I can see her point now.

"Ana . . ."

I seriously answer, "Christian told me to have a backup goal. He said that if that one goal didn't work out then there must be another one so that you just have to keep going. Maybe someday I'd get to know what that backup goal is."

Then her face changes into a form of gratitude, "I am so happy you married a man like him. He is unlike any other."

Yes, he is.

Afterwards I throw her question back at her, "Mom, what's your plan?"

"Christian has already paid all of my debts and it's cleared out. We're moving back to Kansas. You dad will be joining me, everybody will. Ben will be with us too."

What. The. Hell.

"Mom! Mom, are you serious?!" I cannot believe this. I can almost cry.

"Yes, Ana. After years of moving to another state for your father, I am finally moving back to where I truly felt at home." There is sheer joy in her voice and all I do is give her the tightest hug I could ever give to someone. She has long expressed to me how she desired to go back to where she grew up and now because of Christian, she can.

I realize that even though she's an adult, she still is Dorothy. That cyclone called Dad brought her to this place that seemed like Oz and even though it might have been great yet challenging, nothing ever compared to Kansas. She's coming back to where she belongs and I am extremely happy for her.

Then a random question pops into my mind, "Mom?"

"Hmmm?"

"Why didn't you just run away?"

"What?"

"Why didn't you just move back to Kansas to escape the money issue?"

She simply answers, "I didn't want to ruin your life. If you come with me, we would live by running away and that doesn't solve anything at all, and if I were the only one to escape? All my debts would be held on your account. I didn't want your life to be more difficult than it already is. I faced it for you."

My heartstrings have been tugged by now.

She did those for me?

I don't know how to react.

My mind cannot come up with words since I expect answers like she didn't have any ticket to go to Kansas or that she never thought of it because having debt is everything she knows. This is the second time I've felt guilty. This is the second time I've asked myself if I had the fairest judgment of the people I have in my life. I do not like this anymore.

Thankfully Christian clears his throat and draws our attention, "May I steal my _wife_ for a bit, Carla?" My mother nods while I still can't fathom the fact that I am now his wife. It's gonna take a while to get used to it.

I stand up to follow his lead to the fountain. We sit on the edge looking up the silver moon. The stars are scattered all over the night sky and knowing that Christian was a pilot or still is, he has gotten close to them. I want to ask him for a plane ride where I can just feel the stars in a rare proximity. I know they're like a million miles away but they won't be in the presence of Christian.

"How are you, Ana?" There he goes again.

"Seriously? What's up with the formality again?"

"I don't know how to start a conversation with you," he admits.

"Well, you can start by being casual?"

Oh, we really do sound like a married couple.

Christian gives me a small smile, "I am having trouble with this. You seem to not like 'how are you'. Why is that so?"

"Because I am your wife and even though I am not you don't like me romantically, you just have to act like we're life buddies or something. Just treat me like a person outside your office and it will just sound more normal."

Why am I even being choosy with this? It's not like we really are an in love couple. This is a business proposition after all, but he has to know that we have to at least care for one another as human beings. I don't think his CEO mode is going to cause something good in this arrangement. What am I even talking about? This is getting really complicated. I can't even comprehend my own thoughts.

My _husband_ (My goodness! He's my husband now!) starts to think of it really hard and I don't even help him.

Then he comes up with the greeting, still with no tone in his voice but he somehow manages to bring that automatic smile on my face.

"What's up, Doc?"

"Did you just go Bugs Bunny on me?"

"Yes, I did."

"How do you even know Bugs Bunny?"

Christian's brows arches, "Huh? What do you mean by that?"

"I just couldn't imagine you watching TV! You only watched one movie in your whole life and it's just hard thinking about your kid-self watching a Looney Tunes show! I thought you would be that kid who never watched TV and just had National Geographic on the entire day!"

"False. Half the day I watched cartoons and half the day I watched Nat Geo."

"Wow! I bet you didn't even laugh at their jokes!"

"How is that so?"

"Because you have always been emotionless! I mean you and I never talked before. I know we had moments together but it's not like this! We would just be staring at each other and wanting to leave the place and now—" I glance at our wedding bands"—we are married!"

"Emotionless, huh?"

"Yes," I am firm with this one.

His grey eyes meet the dark fabric of the sky and there's a melancholic wave of emotions when he utters, "I wasn't always like this."

I cannot speak. I must not speak. God knows how much I want to coerce him into trusting me. I want him to tell me everything but it will just destroy what is slowly building between us. Baby steps are all we need. There is no need to rush because we have all the time in the world— _we have the world_. I don't have to complicate things, do I? Let it be, as what one of Mia's favourite songs would suggest.

"I got you something."

"What?"

He takes out a black velvet box out of the pocket inside his coat. It is a little bit bigger than his palms and it has me intrigued.

"What is this for?"

Christian casually replies, "Just for the wedding."

"You didn't tell me! I should have bought you something!"

"This arrangement was my whole idea anyway and despite of its rareness and craziness, you agreed and thank you for that."

That just breaks my heart.

Who would have thought that the word, _arrangement_ can hurt me like this?

I fake my excitement by grabbing the black velvet box from his hand and opening it in such a hurried manner. My eyes widen at what's inside. I stare at him but he's staring at the sky now, lost in his own thoughts but confident that this gift will hold a special meaning in me.

It's _The Aviator_ CD.

"Thank you, Christian. This is so . . . thoughtful."

"You're welcome, Mrs. Grey," he's still not looking at me, so I take a hold of his chin and pull him closer until our lips touch.

We're friends who kiss but are married. How can life get complicated, right?

 **I would like to express my gratitude to all of those who are reading my work. Thanks a lot.**

 **Reviews? Thanks!**

 **Margo.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note is located below.**

 **Chapter 16**

 **Amsterdam**

Who would've thought that I'd be on the front page of every national paper? There were flattering headlines while some were very harsh, but what gives? What's important is I am now famous and it's going to mark the beginning of my career. All I've ever wanted was to be noticed and now that I am rich, everyone knows me.

I search for the best angle for my photography as we are honeymooning in Amsterdam, Netherlands. Yes, we are in Amsterdam and that is so Gus and Hazel from _The Fault in our Stars._ We explore the elegant artistry and architecture of the place and its delicate beauty just leaves me out of breath. I've taken more than one hundred photos and I already posted them on Instagram. My social media life is getting smooth as well because of the one million followers I gained. Every photo I post has one hundred thousand hearts and it all seems like a dream come true. This is what I've been dreaming of: to be appreciated by many.

I also learned something from this.

When you are financially abundant, then everything follows. Even when you have the worst attitude, people will call you nice. Even when you are not pretty, people would call you beautiful. Even if your post is all about your toenails, you'd get more than a hundred likes. I don't know why but it has always been like that. I have experienced that with Mia and trust me; it cost my poor self-esteem.

"Christian, can you take a photo of me?" We are inside Anne Frank's iconic home (where Gus and Hazel had their first kiss ever) and to be frank, this is the only place in Amsterdam where Christian never opened his e-mail through his phone. He seems so profound on feeling the aura of the historical venue. When I look at him right now, I'd gamble that he wishes to be a clairvoyant. I know he wants to go back in time and witness their hideout for himself.

"Yes, of course, Ana."

He clicks once then twice then to a solid fifty times. He seems really annoyed right now but I don't seem to care. I just want to post this online to keep my followers updated. Christian is rolling his eyes in each time the shutter makes a sound.

"Thanks, husband," I wink while he nods, relieved that he's gotten back the time in focusing on the venue.

The tall tour guide educates us about the entire house and she'd get corrections from Christian. I purse my lips, trying not to laugh. Christian appears to be the tour guide now all because he knows a lot about history and Amsterdam is no exception. He knows everything about this place and it makes me prouder to have him as a husband.

We're on the attic now and Christian turns reverent, honouring the people who hid in this small part of the house concealed by an enormous bookshelf. Anne Frank's voice fills the air and Christian's face becomes more serene. His eyes are so tranquil yet agonized at the same time so I click my camera, smiling at the shot I've taken.

"You took a photo of me?"

"Yes, is it a crime?"

He shakes his head and gives me that serious look once more, "No, it's not a crime. Just be sure that if you post it online, use the #TigrisEuphratesAirlinesForNetherlands and it's going to help me a lot."

I simply give him a nod, not letting him know that I won't really do it. He hired me as his wife and it didn't include being a brainstormer in advertising his company. Christian's an uptight workaholic and it's unhealthy most of the time. He should have a life apart from TEA. He doesn't even have personal social media accounts. Everything is all about business and business and business.

Clearing my throat, I start a topic, "This is where Hazel and Gus first kissed."

"Are they your high school friends?"

My eyes widen at first before I laugh so hard.

"Why are you laughing? Did I say something funny?" There he goes with that monotone again.

"Christian, I've talked about them for more than ten times now and you still don't know them? They are not my classmates from high school! For the thirteenth time, they are fictional characters created by John Green."

His eyes show a hint of realization, "Right! Right! We talked about them already!"

"Yes, Chrisian! Congratulations for remembering!"

Christian folds his arms before sighing out loud, "I guess I'm not paying attention, huh?"

"No, you aren't."

He turns silent, but it's loud enough for me to be aware that he's troubled.

I ask him tenderly, "Christian, what's wrong?"

"I can't tell you, Ana."

"Why? We're friends, you can tell me anything." I am your wife, Christian. Tell me.

"I may be soundless about it but I know you don't have interest in my company at all, or in the plane industry in general. I am not sure if you're the right person to talk about this commotion at work."

That sends me guilt. I know that what he does doesn't capture my interest, but I just need to let him talk about it.

"Tell me all about it, Christian. I will listen to it." I make a solemn vow and I'm relieved that he opens up to me about it.

"Something happened with one of my clients and they seem like they just want to go for another airline company all because of a much more expensive deal. It's stressing me out and I cannot afford to lose one of my most important clients, especially the international ones. I know my company is still quite young for global expansion but I need to push my limits! I need to . . ."

For a moment I stop clutching the single lens camera he bought me just this morning and my ears are all set on his story. We come out of the Anne Frank House, stroll along the breezy streets, and sit on a bench but he's still not finished talking about his problem with the company. He talks about his employees and how they are the most important, and he also tackles on the issue of the equipment used in building the planes and how people make an issue about it as a weak foundation.

After approximately three hours of venting out, he is finally done, "Thank you for listening to me, Ana."

"It was no problem, Christian. I am here to listen. We are friends after all."

"We're married friends," he says with a smile.

I lick my bottom lip before giving him advice, "Christian, why don't you talk about anything else? I had absolutely no problem listening to your problem but I am worried. Christian, talk about anything aside from the company. Count this honeymoon as a one week of mini-vacation. Trust your COO for a short while and just learn how to let go."

Crap! He looks like a troubled little boy now. "What do I talk about?"

" _Anything_. Just anything that might interest you." Anything about you.

He takes a deep breath before telling me, "Did you know that New York was called New Amsterdam before?"

I raise my brow, "Really?"

Seeing how impressed I am about this newly acquired knowledge, he flashes a vibrant smile and confirms, "Yes, the Dutch inhabited New York once. Once we go back to the house you can search for my book in my library."

"You have a library?"

He smirks proudly, "Yes, I do. So Ana . . . uhm, how about you?"

"Me?"

"Tell me something I don't know."

He smiles while waiting for me to respond. How can I not turn red because of that smile? I guess there is a difference between calling a man handsome or calling him beautiful. When you say a man is handsome, then it's all about the smile and the outer aspects of it. But when you call him beautiful, it's all about the story written behind his smile. The way he looks right now? It's beautiful.

Okay, this is getting out of hand. I let my eyes focus elsewhere and I see people riding a bicycle and I know exactly what to say.

"I don't know how to ride a bike without training wheels," I blurt out and he laughs at me! He laughs at me! How can he be so mean? I am pouting at him and it makes him laugh even louder. This man seems to find joy in my lack of ability to ride a bicycle.

Christian stops laughing when I snap another candid photo of him. I show it and sincerely say, "You look better when you're happy."

He squeezes my cheek and kisses my forehead in response.

"Tell me all about it. Tell me about your first heartbreak."

"Why?" I ask him. Both of us are lying down the silky sheets, knowing that this is the first night of our honeymoon. I don't even know if we should call this honeymoon since there isn't any ehhhh going on.

"I just want to know."

"Well, it was in the Sophomore year of high school. There was this boy named Brian and he really looked like James Dean. He smokes a lot but it just works for him. He looks like a piece of art each time he puffs those grey smokes. He was the bad boy all good girls wanted to have for themselves. I wasn't an exception, of course."

"What happened?"

"He asked me out. We were partners in a Science project and I realized that he isn't much of a bad boy. I didn't like him with the same intensity when I got to know him."

Christian looks at me, "I understand you with that."

"You do?"

He nods before saying, "Continue, please."

"Well, he really liked me. It turns out that the feelings are mutual and that we could have something. He asked me out, of course, and I felt over the moon. He was the first guy ever who made me feel that way. Christian, we went out, we had dinner, and we just had a good time."

"But?"

"But everything changed when he met Mia."

"What about my sister?" Christian's brows crease.

"He thought she was beautiful. Mia really is! I cannot blame him. She was Elizabeth Taylor in his eyes and she just had him at hello. Yes, I am quoting Jerry Maguire but seriously, he fell in love with her the first time! He treated me like a lab partner and a friend. He even tells me to forget that we dated."

"What did Mia do?"

"She dated him."

He gives me a disapproving look.

"I wanted to scream at her and to tell her that just because she has everything it doesn't mean that it must include the guy I like. She also pretended that we didn't date, and it really hurt. But . . . yeah . . . why are we talking about this? This was like high school."

"On behalf of Mia, I am really sorry."

I give him a small smile.

Christian asks, "They didn't last, did they?"

"Yes! They didn't! That's the funny thing though. He really liked her the first time he saw her but when he got to know her, she was not a mystery book any longer. She just seemed normal so he broke things off with her!"

He laughs now, "That is expected."

"It is! I mean we fall in love with people because of who we thought they are when we look at them from afar. Then when we get close to them, we realize that they are nothing like the people we pictured them to be. It's really crazy."

He agrees, "That's true. We fall in love with people because of misunderstandings."

"A movie once said that love is the result of misunderstanding and I believe it's from Abbas Kiarostami."

"Always the movie junkie," He mutters with a smile and I feel proud of myself.

The silence takes over while we get closer. There is no space between us and I don't know how but our fingers are locked together and I already feel like he is opening up to me. I just need to push it further without asking him about the whole The Aviator experience thing.

"How about you? When was your first heartbreak?"

"I won't tell," Christian is serious.

"Just tell me. It would be unfair since I told you all about mine."

"Well, I will tell you some other time."

"Can you at least tell me her name?" I expected it to be Andrea.

"Sofia," the name he spoke took me by surprise.

"Did this Sofia girl break your heart?"

"It's the other way around."

The way he says this makes him look so vulnerable. I can see his reflection through the mirror above us and I could tell that he's already suffering just by uttering her name. She didn't do anything wrong and it was the other way around. Somehow I am trying to connect things. I just need more information regarding Sofia and I am sure that I can piece it all together and solve the puzzle which is Christian's past.

I need to know the connection to Andrea. How do they all fit?

I don't know why but I say, "I am really sorry, Christian and—"

This time he faces me and tucks my messy brown hair behind my ear and assures, "I don't want you to apologize anymore, okay? It was a huge step for me to finally say her name so yeah, it's really weird."

"Thank you for trusting me as your friend, Christian." I take a grasp of his hand and enfold it with mine so tight that he can sense that I can't let go.

"You're not my friend, Ana. You are my best friend."

That makes my heart flutter. Obviously I would want something more with him but we are taking baby steps, right? To hear Sofia's name coming from his mouth indicates that he trusts me—that I am his best friend. I will prove to him that I really am.

I slam my mouth to his and there's a ferocious movement in the way we kiss. I am straddling him, and he pulled us up into a sitting position without breaking the kiss. Our lips move fiercely and his fingers find its way to the buttons of my shirt. His tongue grazes my lower lip and I let him in. We kiss the deeper than before and my fingers pull his blonde locks, making him groan.

When I feel his finger opening my top button, I pull away from him, grasping for air. He mirrors my expression, stunned of the kiss we shared.

We don't speak. We _can't_ speak.

Both of us are too stunned.

As usual, I clear my throat and inform him, "I'm gonna take a shower." He nods before I stand from his lap.

I head to the shower, taking off my clothes and soak myself with the sprinkles of water. What just happened? What was that? I don't even know why I am reacting this way when he is my husband! The way our skin made contact just proved how right it felt. We're married and this is what married couples do, and this is what I want to do, but at the same time I don't.

When it comes to him, I am a matter of push and pull.

I hear nothing but the sound of water meeting the floor. My hand covers my face which is still warm because of the rush of electricity I felt when we were on the bed. Despite the coldness of the water, all I feel is warmth. I cannot get over it. All I want to do is rush back to the outside and just let him unbutton my clothes.

Apparently I don't need to.

The shower door opens and every hair in my body takes stance. My heartbeat pounds faster than the fastest it has been and my eyes widen. What's making me feel weirder is that I don't want to stop this even for once. Let whatever happen, happen. We are bound now and there's nothing wrong with that.

I feel his presence behind me and it radiates through my body with sparks and undecipherable amount of heat. I forget breathing when his finger traces my spine from the top and down to the small of my back. His touches, along with the water's, send me jolts I never met in my life.

He puts his hands on either side of my waists before spinning me around to face him.

Christian and I stand bare naked but looking at each other's eyes. His eyes scream lust and his eyelashes splashed by a tiny amount of water seem like grass with dew when the morning sun sheds it light on it. The way he looks at me right now? It's like I am his morning sun.

His hands trace my face down to my collars then to the valley between my breasts, to the tender skin of my thighs and all the way down there and I gasp violently.

Then he slams his lips right into mine, pressing my back against the cold tiled wall.

His hands are everywhere. I know that we have been intimate before but today there are no boundaries. I am completely his and he's completely mine. Whatever that means, at least we have that. I don't think about anything else. It's just him and me. No arrangements. Just him and me.

Christian's fingertips are tracing my hipbone and he slowly reaches my center. I moan at that. There is so much pleasure with the way he touches me and the tender sprinkle of the water coming from the shower adds so much more. I grab both of his cheeks and kiss him with so much intensity. He moans and I'm quite proud of myself.

Then, I did what I have never done for the first time. My hand nervously reached down until it finally palmed his entire length. My eyes went wide. Of course, I've seen one before even if I'm a virgin but he just seemed so huge.

"How can it fit me?" I asked mindlessly.

"You will stretch and it will go all the way in. I'll make sure it will be pleasurable for you. I promise that," there is so much lust in the way he speaks. It's making me go completely crazy for him.

I'm going to pleasure him first though and it appears I'm doing a good job at it. I cup him up and down, into an increasing rhythm and that makes his grunts louder. Then, curiosity got the very best of me. I stop what I'm doing as I touch his abs. My index finger makes imaginary trails in his perfectly toned stomach and then I kneel down kissing them sensually. Accompanied with the water, his stomach is turning wet because of my kisses.

Then when I finally reach his manhood, I take no time to hesitate. I wrap him around my warm lips and suck slowly at first. I see him falling apart and it motivates me to do better. I suck faster this time, tongue sliding through his length. I feel him reach the back of my throat and there's heat accompanied with it.

My eyes move upward to see his reaction.

He's perfectly wet because of the shower. His right hands are tugging on my brown hair, painful enough to make it feel good. Meanwhile, his left hand rests against the tiled wall making sure that he can still stand. His eyes are closed as he feels nirvana and I feel like he's coming but he quickly pulls out and forcefully stands me up.

He kisses me so intensely that I'm sure my lips are going to be swollen.

Christian pulls away and asks, "Are you sure?"

"Are you serious, Christian?" He's as hard as rock yet he still asks me.

"I don't want you to regret anything," he speaks.

"I won't regret anything," I assure him.

He kisses me again and this time, he turns the shower off. I wrap my legs around his lips as he carries me to our bedroom, never breaking the kiss. He lays me down and I feel the white sheets getting wet. He kisses me from my neck all the way to the breast, nibbling my nipple.

"Ugh! Christian!"

Then, he makes it too much when he inserts one then two then three fingers inside me, probably stretching me. I scream out loud and it causes him to sound more animalistic.

"You're so wet, Ana," he says.

"Only for you," I tell him.

"Fuck," he curses before kissing my center once. He stands to get something from the bedside table and it appears to be a condom. He wears it and I gulp as he aligns his huge shaft against my entrance.

"I will go slow at first," he whispers before doing so. He slides in and I moan in pain. It's too excruciating. He breaks my barrier and I can't describe the pain. I know the sheet's got a stain of blood now. Tears break free from my eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers again and again, still thrusting in and out slowly.

"Go on, Christian," I encourage him and his moans against my ears just make me more determined to endure the pain. He's feeling really good. I wrap my arms around his back pulling him closer to me.

In and out, he fills me. In and out, it's becoming so surreal. I am moaning.

"Go faster," I tell him and he does so.

He thrusts in and out with so much frustration. I can sense that he really wants to go faster. It's already so fast but he seems dissatisfied. Then, my hips meet his speed.

He plunges all the way in and all the way out, repeating until I come undone.

I reach my climax and it doesn't take long before he reaches his. We are breathless as we have finally came. He slides out of me and I don't know why but I miss him already. He takes the condom off before laying right next to me, pulling me close wrapping me around his arms.

"That was . . . there are no words to describe how great it was," he says.

"Hmmm . . ." I am incoherent.

"Are you okay, Ana?"

"Yes, I'm okay," I tell him and he presses his lips to mine for a deep kiss before I drift off to sleep.

I wake in the middle of the night when I feel him kiss my back over and over again. I drowsily turn around and his lips are on mine again, both hands on my breasts.

Then, he's back inside me. We're back to where we belong.

Since we've spent the second day of our honeymoon out in Amsterdam streets again, I can't stop clicking the camera. Unlike before, Christian doesn't complain when I take too much pictures of him and he doesn't check on his e-mail that often anymore. I like the businessman Christian but the Christian right now? He's something else.

He is sitting by the bench overseeing the port of Amsterdam. There are boats which Christian is surely fascinated with. The way the wind blows his hair and shirt accompanied with the scenic background makes a perfect picture. He hears the camera's shutter and gives me that carefree smile.

"Come here," he says and I follow.

He guides me to sit on his lap and eventually steals the camera away from my grasp. He takes a photo of us two and I am quite surprised at that.

I look at the photograph he took and I am laughing out loud my nostrils have expanded while he, on the other hand, kisses my chubby cheek in content. This picture gives me . . . hope. Well, of course, didn't he just best friend-zoned me? Best friends have these kinds of photos, right?

Besides, it's all for the arrangement.

Then, the camera doesn't stop clicking. I give him different kinds of faces as he keeps taking photos of me. There are pictures of me with the ugly face underneath the lilac coated sky. There's one when my hair covers a quarter portion of my face, leaving only the water behind to be appreciated. Then, there are just too many to be mentioned.

We watch the sunset that day and I haven't felt anything like this before.

Then, I upload our photo (despite how weird my nose looks like) and it got a million likes! Before I know it, everyone adores us as a couple. To my shock, that is not what makes me happy. It's not with the hearts or the comments. It's not with how famous it is. It's not with the popularity. It's with what the picture contains.

It's the two of us looking happy and in love and for the first time in my life, it's the only thing that matters.

 **Author's Note: Uh-oh! Somebody's falling in love!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own any of the FSOG characters.**

 **Thank you for reading!**

 **Reviews?**

 **Margo.**


	17. Chapter 17

**This is the moment you have been waiting for. This is Christian's back story.**

 **Chapter 17**

 **Sofia**

"This is a day of learning for you, Mrs. Grey."

I play along, "What do you have in mind, Mr. Grey?"

"I'm gonna teach you how to ride a bike."

"What?" My eyes widen at that.

"You heard me, Ana. I will teach you how to ride a bike without training wheels because you are already twenty four years old and not a seven year old."

I fold my arms and pout, "Christian, no!"

"Why are you afraid, Ana? Don't you trust your teacher?"

"Of course, I do but—"

He cuts me off with a kiss before smiling, "Then let's do it!"

Christian gets me a silver mountain bike and we find an area where there are not so many people to witness how awkward I look like. He guides me all throughout the entire ride and he just laughs when I still can't keep my balance. He lets me fall and no matter how hard I try to rant about getting wounds, he'd just say that it's all part of learning how to ride a bicycle.

The two of us spend another two days learning about it and he cheers for me despite the fact that I'm such a difficult student to deal with. I stumble so many times but the way he believes in me makes me want to persevere in handling this silver thing with two wheels. If he believes I can do it, then I can do it.

We are a married couple in a honeymoon yet we just take photos of each other and do some bicycle lessons. I am not complaining since for me, this is the only week I can see Christian so relaxed.

Looking at Christian now, the way he encourages me and the way he doesn't think about business deals and aeroplanes, I am looking at the brightest side of my future.

"What are we gonna do today?" It's our last day in Amsterdam and we're feeling really tired. After that memorable flight and sweet exploration all throughout our time, our feet are worn out. Spending a day inside this lavish cream walled five star hotel won't be so bad, as long as we figure out what to do.

Christian rephrases his question, "What's the agenda?"

"Let's watch a movie!"

"How?"

"Believe it or not, I bought my CD's with me!"

He doesn't seem to suspect that I bought them on purpose. Before this honeymoon, I always thought that I need to do something to make Christian forget about his work for a while. He needs to learn how to chill and I can't think of any other way but to watch a movie. His favourite movie is _The Aviator_ so I bought all of my Leonardo DiCaprio CD's.

"What are we going to watch?"

"Leonardo DiCaprio films!"

"How many did you bring?"

I answer him by taking out the fifteen CD's inside my black bag. I spread all of them across the bed and this interests Christian even further. He starts to scan all of the Leo films I brought but he eventually chooses to watch _The Aviator_.

"You've already seen this film! Come on! I brought fourteen others so why don't you just choose one of them?"

"But it's my favourite movie," he reasons.

"I know it's your favourite but you have to at least try to experience new things."

"Experience new things? By that you mean new movies?"

"Yes! Movies are more than just characters in motion. If you really understand the depth of it, then it becomes a cinematic experience. Believe it or not, I will never watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens anymore. The movie is great but my parents had a huge fight while I was watching it. It's with experience, Christian. What's with _The Aviator_ anyway? Did you watch it with someone before?"

Something about my question makes him snap, "Can you please stop with the meddling? Can you just please stop?!"

I flinch and immediately apologize, "Sorry, Christian. I am sorry. I just asked a question."

His hands clench into fists and I can see the veins becoming visible on his neck. He is turning red and for a second I am afraid of him. There is anguish in his features and I can sense that he is trying to control himself. I don't say anything. I give him the time to compose himself. He's breathing rapidly and I don't move even an inch.

Christian breathes in and out. I do too at the exact same time.

He screams on top of his lungs, "Who gave you the right to meddle?!"

"No, Christian, I just asked—"

"Yes, you're my wife but have you forgotten that this is just an arrangement?!"

Then, that hits me to the core. Those words strike me too hard that tears automatically rush out of my blue eyes.

His stature screams anger as he reminds me, "Anastasia, please know where you stand! Please know that you may be wife but that doesn't make you real. None of this is real, remember? NONE! This is an arrangement, do you hear me? You have no right to meddle!"

Then, I start crying like the loser I am. How can he have such power over me? First of all, how can he even say those words? It's all messed up, you know. I don't know who to blame at all.

A tiny breath of relief rushes into me when Christian finally relaxes and he utters flatly, "The Man in the Iron Mask".

"What?"

"We will watch that Leonardo DiCaprio film," he's still angry.

"Oh," I suddenly realize and I struggle to transform myself into this cheerful Leo fan. I pretend to be very excited about it just to make him forget about what happened a little while ago. I am not going to ask anything about his The Aviator movie experience anymore if it will only create something violent between the two of us.

We sit right next to each other on the cottony couch when the movie starts. I've watched all of these before so I didn't mind watching him the entire time. He's very focused on the movie and from here and there, he would remark on how versatile DiCaprio is. He's very impressed with his performance in the aforementioned chosen film. He had two characters, polar opposites and it's still believable.

To be honest, it makes me go crazy. He's acting like he hasn't bursted. It's becoming too big for me to handle. He's the expert at concealing emotions but sometimes it's not right to hide what you're feeling.

He doesn't stop there. He watched _Gangs of New York_ , _Inception_ , _The Departed_ , _Catch Me If You Can_ , and _Blood Diamond._ He is really into it and I can't help but concentrate on his features and let myself drown in the mystery of him. How can he be so stone cold? How can he let me cry in front of him? How can he not care about anything?

There are too many how's but no answer.

I see so much beauty in him especially in the way the television lights reflect on his deep blue eyes. If only his eyes can project the story he is hiding, then I would probably understand all of him.

But from the looks of it, I can already see that Christian is afraid of change. I can see that he is afraid to change the fact that he only watched one movie in his life but look at him now. I wish he can see how contented he looks like. I wish he can see how watching one great movie after another is not as bad as he thinks. I wish he can see how good this is for him. I wish he can see his face right now. I wish he can see me.

Then, I feel like crying again. How can I personally believe that he is going to feel the same way for me just because of this honeymoon? I think about the sleepless nights where our bodies unite as one, I think about the times he holds my hand when we explore Amsterdam, I think about his kisses, I think about the time he taught me how to ride a bike, and I think about his presence alone. How can I not fall for that?

I stifle a yawn while he's watching The Revenant. I have a bunch of trivia about but I am too tired.

"Ana, I am really sorry for what happened hours ago. You just asked a question innocently. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that," there is silence in his voice.

I admit, "You scared me, Christian."

His grey eyes are ever repentant, "I know, Ana. I am so sorry."

I give him one small kiss on the cheek before resting my head on his muscular arm, "The way you clench your fists, Christian. It scared me. Would you have punched me?"

He reacts almost immediately, "No! No! I wouldn't do that! I have never hurt anyone before! You can ask all my previous girlfriends and none of them would testify of my violence."

"Christian, I—"

He cups both my cheeks before making a vow, "I will never hurt you, Ana. Never, okay? I will never lay a hand on you. Mom raised me better than that. You know that, Ana. Don't ever doubt me again, okay? I'll divorce you when I hurt you physically. I will do that honor."

In fact, he has already hurt me.

I give him a nod before he engulfs me in his arms while watching director Alejandro Innaritu's work of art on the small screen. I fall asleep in his arms, assured that he may have moments but Christian is never the violent type. He's always the calm one so I don't have to fear anything.

I trust Christian, and that means a lot.

He places me on the bed and he attempts to wrap his arms around my body but I tell him, "You don't have to do the cuddling thing."

"Why?" He's clueless.

"It's just an arrangement," I use his own words against him, expecting him to react casually but it seems like he's deeply affected. I already tuck myself in and prepare for sleep but he remains locking his regretful-looking gaze at me.

"Goodnight," I say.

He doesn't even respond.

We sleep right next to each other on our last night in Amsterdam but with no physical contact or whatsoever. He keeps his distance and I know I should be happy about that, but why am I so disappointed? The thing about liking someone is you become a contrast of your own. You don't like to be touched but when he doesn't, you still don't like it. You feel like you are in a constant state but when in truth you are already changing. You are crazy when you are with him and still crazy without him. You oppose yourself constantly and that is beyond crazy.

I tell him not to touch me but it's not true.

I tell myself that this is just an arrangement but it's not true.

I tell myself I don't love him . . . but it's not true.

The next day, there is still a cold war going on between the two of us. I silently pack my clothes since the jet plane's arriving in five hours. I know I should be excited because this is such a glamorous life but I just feel so miserable. It's like nothing seems to be right at all. Christian keeps on talking to me but I just can't give him a response.

"Tigris Euphrates Airlines will be flying across China and . . ." I don't know what he's talking about. Yes, I don't know about planes and such but I am trying not to be interested with him anymore. It's time to un-like him and I'm not sure if that's even possible.

"Ana, are you listening?"

"Yes, of course I am. Isn't it part of the arrangement to listen to each other?"

He looks like hell after I said that. "Ana, can you quit that?"

"Quit what?"

"Can you quit sounding like you just don't care at all?"

"It sucks to sound like you, right?" I give him a sarcastic smile and all of a sudden he becomes weary. His fingers pull his hair and I can definitely see through his frustration. It's very transparent that I can almost understand everything he's feeling without speaking any single word.

"Christian, come on let's just get on with packing and—"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" He screams almost too loud that he can't breathe anymore. Unlike yesterday, I am not flinching anymore. He can act venomous all he likes but I am so tired of acting like I don't care about him. He's my husband and we may not be a romantic couple but we have a special bond.

"I want the truth!"

"You want the truth?"

"Tell me truth, Christian. Please tell me what happened to you," my voice cracks somewhere in between.

He grabs both of my shoulders in a tight grasp before his brows crease and his eyes give me an almost burning gaze. "You want to know, Ana? Well, then you should know! You should know that you married a murderer!"

"What?" I don't understand.

There is so much vulnerability when he says, "I am a bad person" over and over again.

He slides down the ground and his forehead's pressed against the floor as his body shakes while he cries. It tugs my heart so I do my best to comfort him. I envelope him in a warm hug and whisper, "It's okay. I'm here. I will listen to you."

Christian looks up with his tear-stricken state and finally tells the story that I've been dying to know.

"Someone died because of me. I indirectly killed someone."

He sits with his back straight while I rest my cheek against his shoulder, arms still resting around his body.

"Remember when I told you that I was a big bully? Well, I wasn't joking about that. Ana, I was a bad person. If I didn't like somebody then I'd make sure that they live their high school life like hell. I targeted nerds mostly. I call them names and at times I even punch them. It was all for fun. My best friend, Jack Hyde told me to stop but no, I didn't listen. I told him that he was no fun. I didn't understand why he stayed being friends with me despite every wrong thing I did. He always said that he knew me better than anyone else so he knew that I will change.

Then, there was this nerd named Ned. I always bullied him. I thought he looked like a loser. He had the biggest glasses and I just loved it when I saw him getting laughed at. The worst thing I did . . . the worst thing I did to him?" His brittle voice gave out and all I did was hold him tighter.

He continued, "The worst thing I did was that I locked him inside the men's bathroom and he didn't get out until the janitor found him the day after. Since then, I've never seen him at school. He dropped out.

Andrea entered the scene. She was so kind and nice and she's the only one who didn't like me. She said that she didn't like me because I'm a bad person then I strived to change for her. I did everything. Even Mia, who at the age of eight, noticed. I bought her Milkshake, the poodle and I became more respectful to my parents. Andrea taught me that the world didn't revolve around me. Even though I may be rich and that I may be swimming in money, there is so much more to life. I thought she felt the same.

Then, out of nowhere, I was invited to this party and I told Jack to come with me. I never said no to parties because I was the coolest. Jack didn't want to go but of course, he was my best friend so he agreed. We said we'd meet up at that house. However, I changed my mind the last minute.

I didn't inform Jack that I'll be going to Andrea and my heart broke when I saw her with a German guy. She was so in love with him and all I needed to do was let go. There I walked, withering flowers by my hand, and head looking down, acting like the world ended. I was ready to declare that it was the end of everything but . . ."

"But?" I pressed with my tears already forming as if my guts knew something really bad happened next.

"But I got a call from Sofia, Jack's mother saying that he's dead. Ana, Jack died because of me! HE DIED BECAUSE OF ME!"

"Shhh . . ." I cradled him like a child, hiding my own tears.

"It turned out that the party was a set up. Ned planned it and he was planning to kill me. Jack told the truth by saying he didn't know where I was. Ned thought he was lying so he shot him straight to the head before he did so with himself.

His mother, Sofia, was extremely mad at me. Extremely mad is an understatement. She wanted to kill me, Ana. She loved her son dearly and he died because of me! You know what happened to Sofia? She became schizophrenic, Ana! She acted as though Jack is still with her. She's in a psychward right now!"

"Christian . . ." I couldn't say anything.

From his own words he says, "I became a pilot because of it! At the age of eighteen, I realized I was a murderer. Jack was supposed to be a pilot! He was supposed to fly! I was supposed to die, Ana! I was supposed to! If I didn't decide to go to Andrea at that time, Jack would've still been alive! Ned would've still been alive! Sofia would have stayed mentally healthy! I destroyed lives, Ana! I'm a bad person!"

Then, we spent our last hours in Amsterdam with him crying to my chest and me pulling him closer. I cry with him as I realize how he's been punishing himself for over a decade. It finally makes sense now why he's the way he is.

As he cries, wetting the cloth covering my chest, I realize that this is love. I still love him despite his weakest times. I cannot deny it any longer. I love Christian Grey. I am in love with Christian Grey.

 **Author's Note: I only have two words for you: Thank you!**

 **What do you think of Christian's past?**

 **Margo.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note below.**

 **Chapter 18**

 **Comfort**

How I wish that it will be like Amsterdam forever.

Christian's gone back to his robotic mode. Ever since the day we arrived back in America, he's acting like the old him. There he goes again wearing his business attire and acting as if life is all about his company. If he never told me then I would've thought that he's just the way he is for no reason.

In fact, my husband is living what was supposed to be somebody else's life. His best friend died and he thinks that it's because of him. That is the worst thing that could happen to a person. If guilt and regret is the only reason to live and you might as well not live at all. There was so much regret when he broke down. He may have it all but he is not happy, and I've never realized that before. What I've also failed to realize was that when you love someone, their burden is yours to carry as well, by choice or not.

I want nothing more than tell him how he's wrong. I want to tell him that he's so much more than the teenager him who hurt that boy who killed his best friend and eventually killed himself. I want nothing more than him to be happy. How can I do that when he cut me off?

"I'll be going," that monotonous voice fails to go absent.

"Okay," that's all I can come up with.

He then goes out of the house with Taylor talking about his schedule for the day. I want nothing else but to run to him and kiss him goodbye and tell him that everything's okay and that I will be here when he goes home, but I just can't. There are so many things I want to do but he won't allow me.

I try not to think about him anymore. Instead, I focus on my agenda for today. It's been a week since we came back from The Netherlands and I've been enjoying the lush life, but it's back to reality now. It's time for me to chase my dreams. This will be my first audition since the day I got married to Christian.

Along with Luke Sawyer (the newly employed bodyguard for me), I go to a studio where two casting directors are searching for the next leading lady of their new film. They're traveling all over the country just to get this gigantic role.

"Good luck, Ma'am," Sawyer tells me as soon as we've arrived.

I tell him thank you before getting inside.

Nothing's changed. I am still going for an audition but this time, with classy attire! I am in a Dior dress and my hair's ironed for one thousand dollars. I look expensive, I feel expensive, and I hope I show them that my talent is expensive. I glance at my fellow aspiring actresses and I can see the intimidation. I have always been on their place, getting jealous with those who arrive with such grand outfits. Now it's nice to know how it feels like to be the one wearing it.

"Anastasia Grey? You're up," the guy in maroon T-shirt calls and I enter the white door.

I've studied the script religiously. The movie's about a girl who survived an earthquake and searched for her family amidst the disaster. I've memorized the lines and it's time for me to show them what I've got.

Two casting directors are sitting before me, desks filled with the papers holding the information of all who are going to audition. If I were still Anastasia Steele then I would act like a scared confused puppy but I am Anastasia Grey now and Anastasia Grey is fearless.

"Ready when you are ready," the one on the right says.

Then, I deliver my lines. I give it everything I got. I act as if the earthquake happened and that I am all alone and my family isn't there. I cry and I cry, longing to find them.

"Where are you?! Where are you?!" My voice crack and tears have ruined my makeup. It makes everything so effective. As soon as I've finished, the two of them surprised me with their reactions. They still act like mannequins, cold as ice. I hate to make this comparison but they're like the worst version of Christian.

Mr. Right Side says, "Okay, that was cool. I don't think we'll hire you though."

"Huh? Why?" I am beyond shocked.

"You're just not the one we're looking for."

The straightforwardness makes it feel like the most painful stab. I wipe away my tears and hold my head up high. This is so unfair! I gave it everything! How can they do this?

"Can you please tell me why?" I never stop until I get my answer.

"Look, just step out of the room, okay? We're not hiring you. Thank you for your time."

I shake my head over and over again. I almost walk out of the room but Mr. Left Side says, "Wait, Roger, we're making a mistake here. Let's hire her."

Then, hope springs in my brittle bones. I feel very alive all of a sudden. Mr. Right Side may not have seen the talent in me but Mr. Left Side did. I can't help but smile so wide as he attempts to convince Mr. Right Side to hire me. Finally someone has realized that my acting skills can make this movie more successful than it's expected to be.

However, my smile fades when Mr. Left Side explains, "We should hire her because look at her resume: it says here that she's Christian Grey's wife! You know what that means? The movie will get more hyped because we have the CEO's wife as the lead actress!"

I am speechless. It's not because of what I can do; it's because of what I am.

"You know what? You can shove that role to another actress' face, alright? I am done here!" I walk out, feeling so ashamed. How can I not be fit for the role? More importantly, how can they tell me that I am not what they're looking for and change their minds all because I am married to Christian?

Luke doesn't question my state. It's pretty much implied that I didn't get it. I cry in the backseat of the car as he drives me back home. For the first time ever, I question if being Mrs. Grey really means everything.

Five hours. I've been sitting five hours on the red couch of the living room and I still feel empty. Honestly, I don't think I can be okay. I am wearing expensive clothes and jewelleries yet I can't stop myself from feeling so down. Not even the house can make me feel happy.

Okay, this is not a house. It's like a mansion. The house is designed in modern architecture and the marbled walls just prove how Christian can afford every material thing. Everything is white, like the kind of white you can't ever a find a stain in. Everything's shiny and glistening. The color red perfectly works with it and also does the expensive furniture. I have a closet as huge as our apartment and a bathroom looking like a relaxing spa.

What's wrong? It doesn't feel like home.

Mom, Dad, Elliott, Ben, and Elizabeth are not here. Christian's not here often. I feel alone.

I hear the door creek open and I look back to see Christian checking his e-mail through his phone in full concentration. His brow creases and I am almost certain that he'll give me a robotic hello. But he raises his head up and as soon as his grey eyes meet my blue ones drowning in tears, he puts his phone aside.

He sits next to me, gaining his emotions back, "Ana, what's wrong?"

I shake my head again and again, "I didn't get it."

He doesn't say anything. Instead, he grabs my hand and interlaces his fingers with mine. With that simple gesture, I feel like crying. With his presence, I don't feel alone anymore. I know that he cares about me but he's having a hard time showing it. I understand but sometimes I can't.

"What can I do to make you feel better?" He sounds almost desperate.

I myself can't answer that question.

"Tell me, Ana, what can I do?"

I think of my old life and I have figured out, "Eat with me."

I am serious but it seems to have a funny impact on his part. I can sense that he's trying to stop himself from laughing because of the seriousness of the situation.

"Eat with you?" He asks incredulously.

I nod still as serious as ever.

"Sure then, I'll call Gail and ask her to cook the grandest cuisine and—"

"No, Christian. I'll take you to a place I know. Change into something casual, okay?"

"Okay?" He seems confused but still changes into a shirt, hoodie, pants, and white shoes. I myself do the same. Since the day I agreed to marrying Christian, I am back to dressing up like the old me. I stare at my reflection and notice how I look normal. I didn't even realize that I've missed this.

"Hey, let's go?" He asks while holding the car keys. I ask him not to bring any bodyguard. I just need him now and nobody else.

"Yes," I say before walking out of the mansion with him.

"Our shoes match," he states.

"Yes, they do," I smile at that. White rubber shoes with different sizes yet still the same, just like the two of us: two people from different worlds but somehow still the same.

He drives the roofless car, me on the passenger seat, surrounded by the illuminating lights of the city and wind forcing my hair to meet my face. He holds my hand and I realize that in times of being down, all I really need is him.

I ask him to dress casually since we're eating in a simple burger house. Yes, it's a burger house because there's only burger and nothing else. Well, sodas too. The place is kind of cold and the maroon leather couch looks like it's been gnawed by rats for over the years. The tiles of the floor are cracking and the one on the cash register is Old Man Barry. He's been here as long as I can remember.

Despite the not so impressive ambiance of the place, the burger is the best. I order four and I am on my second one. Christian still hasn't touched his yet. He seems very worried as his eyes keep on going back and forth in the place.

"Christian, aren't you going to eat your burger?"

"Are you sure it's safe?" He asks and then I realize that he was born rich and I was born poor and there's a huge gap in that.

"Of course, it is. I've never been rushed to the hospital and I've eaten here for like a million times! Come on, take a bite!"

He seems unconvinced but nods his head, "Oh, I see. Let me try this burger then. Where's the fork and knife?"

I can't stop laughing at that. Christian doesn't eat burger at all. I mean I've been with him long enough to know that he only eats fancy recipes. Well, I was happy about that at first but then I realize there's way too much green leaves and I am not a goat. I am not herbivore all the way.

"Christian, you just have to hold it with your hands, okay? You're not eating with an aristocrat client, alright? Just eat it like every other customer here." The burger house is full of people and Christian notices how each of them eat burger with their hands. I mean it's okay to eat it with fork and knife but it just doesn't fit the place.

He does the same and after one bite, I give myself a silent high five. Christians seems bewitched.

"This is so delicious!" He says in between eating.

"I told you so! You have to admit it's more delicious without fork and knife, huh?"

He nods, completely agreeing with me before calling out the server and asking him for four more burgers. I watch him eat for quite a while until he's finished.

"Why here, Ana? Look, it's not visually good but it sure is worth it. Why here? I am just curious."

I give him a soft smile, "Dad hasn't always been the luckiest when it comes to career but when he makes some money, he makes sure he spends it with us. He always takes us here. For one, it's cheap and for two, it's worth it like what you said. We spent happy times here, you know. Times like we don't have to worry about money or anything like that."

He nods a little and states, "You miss them."

I never expected it but I do. I give him a nod.

He holds my hand and says, "I'll make you a promise then. Whenever you're down, I will take you here, okay?"

That cheers me up. I smile and he does the same.

Christian orders another burger and that brings me much joy. To see him enjoy the things I have before him is somehow magical.

"Can you tell me what happened earlier? What happened in the audition?"

"It was horrible, Christian. They told me that I am not the one they're looking for. Then, the other casting director almost gave me a chance. I thought it was because I portrayed the character so well that I lost myself! In the end, they only wanted me to star because I am married to you! They said it will cause more hype."

There's a pang of hurt in his eyes too and he says, "It turns out being married to me has negative effects too, huh?"

No, that's not it. I don't want Christian to treat himself this way. He's the champion in making himself feel like a downer and that should be stopped.

"Cut that out, Christian. Don't blame yourself, okay? Some people are just users." That makes me question myself. Am I a user for marrying Christian? Well, I probably am.

Christian has another answer for that though.

"Do you know why it's you I asked to marry?"

"Why?" Because I'm easy? Because I'm poor? Because I'm a loser?

"Because I know that you may have agreed because of wealth but somewhere deep inside you, you see the real me."

That silenced me. That's true. If somebody else came up with the same offer I wouldn't have agreed. I always viewed Christian as a person and not the CEO he is. Maybe the wealth was the façade, a shield to protect myself from the dangers of falling in love. This time there's no denying that he got me. Completely.

Then all of these what if's come to my mind. What if I can help him move on? What if he loves me back? What if this will be more than an arrangement? What if this will be a real marriage? Just what if? No, I shouldn't think this way! Christian falling in love with me? That's never going to happen.

"Ana?" Christian interrupts my thoughts. I don't even realize that I'm back to frowning.

He mentions, "You're sad again."

I don't know how to respond.

"Aside from these burgers, what do you do to cheer up?"

"I usually watch movies especially the Pixar ones."

"Pixar ones? Like the cartoons?"

No, this is an injustice. I suddenly sit up straight and my heartbeat is having an adrenaline rush. "Christian, please don't tell me you haven't watched _Toy Story_!"

"Before all the Leonardo Di Caprio films, I only watched _The Aviator_ , right?" He reminds me. This is so wrong! One must watch the _Toy Story_ films before he or she dies!

"Let's go! Come on! Go go go! We need to watch it!" We go back home and soon Christian will understand why I'm so excited.

We don't even change our clothes as we go home. The first _Toy Story_ starts to play and Christian's really into it. That's a power of the movie. No matter how stoic a person can be, all feelings will be brought out by the delivery of the film. He laughs about Buzz and Woody and I do too. I have expected Christian to stop on the first film but he doesn't. He asks me to play part two as well.

As we proceed to _Toy Story 2_ , I am already sitting on his lap and I feel so content when he rests his chin on my shoulder. Every laughter, even the silent one, is so close to my ear that my heartbeat is causing me to be deaf. Jessie, the cowgirl has been introduced and I could tell Christian wants him for Woody and not for Buzz.

Finally, we watch _Toy Story 3_ and Christian gets teary eyed with the ending. That's only fair though because I watched the film for so many times but I still end up crying. It's quite a reminder that childhood is not forever. You just need to let go.

The film ends and Christian's very silent as the names roll up in the credits.

"Did you enjoy it?" I break the quiet atmosphere.

He doesn't answer.

"Ana?" He calls my name tightening the hold of his arms around my torso.

"Yes?"

"I never thanked you for listening to me as I told you about . . . my past. Thank you for coercing me to finally tell you. Most of all, thank you for not judging me."

That's when things turn serious. I look at him and hold both of his cheeks with my palms and assure him the words I've been longing to say.

"Christian, you are so much more than your history. You shouldn't let it define you. I know that it's very difficult but you should stop blaming yourself. That gun? Ned was the one who used it and not you. I want you to be happy. Please refuse that event to tell you who you are. You are so much more than that."

I know that he will take a long road in finally forgiving himself but this is the start, right? I look at the frame placed above the TV. This may be the new house but like his bachelor pad, the sketch of a woman who looks at the plane is still visible.

"Can you tell me who that person is?"

He knows what I'm referring to so he answers, "That is Sofia looking at the plane Jack is flying."

That twists my heart. This should stop! I stand from sitting on his lap. I move across the room and grab the picture frame from the wall. I throw it down the floor, leaving the broken cracks of it scattered on the floor. I expect Christian to be mad now that the frame's broken and it's not hanging on the wall anymore.

I see relief in his eyes though.

"Ana, can you give me your shoe?"

That is so random but I agree with that.

I almost take both pairs off but he says, "Only one."

I give him one of the white shoes and he grabs a permanent marker from the drawer. He flips it so that the sole will face him. Then, he writes his name on it like what Andy does to his toys. He gives it back to me and I smile as "Christian" is written all across the very bottom of the footwear.

"Hey! I will do this too!" I tell him.

He instantly hands me his shoe and the marker and I write "Anastasia" on the sole too.

"You've got a friend in me," I say obviously referencing the _Toy Story_ theme song.

His forehead presses against mine before he utters, "You've got more than a friend in me."

 **Author's Note:**

 **I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. I only own the plot.**

 **Okay so in this chapter Ana is beginning to realize that the marriage to Christian is not the Utopia she's expecting.**

 **What do you think?**

 **Thank you for reading!**

 **Margo.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 19**

 **Opportunity**

 _Five months later . . ._

"I don't get it. You said that I acted as though I was possessed by the character itself! Why didn't I get the part? No offense to that blonde bimbo over there but why didn't you choose me?" I am standing on a stage facing three older men. I have been auditioning for months now but casting directors won't give me a single role.

"Miss, we strongly recommend you to just let go of it, okay?"

"How can I not let go of it? I just need to know why! Please be brutally honest with me over here. I really want to know!" I don't normally do this during auditions but I just want this role so much. It's all about being the next leading lady of Leonardo DiCaprio and there is no doubt that whoever gets the part will be an A-lister. Didn't I show them how persuasive it is for me to cry?

"You want to know about it, Miss? You have no talent, okay? We almost fell asleep watching you project those lines. You have no acting skills. Did we answer your question?"

I don't say a word. I cannot even move. I close my eyes and harden my heart. There is no way that I am going to cry in front of them. Instead I just give them a short nod before marching my way out of the studio. I have talent! I really do have talent! They are just blind! I don't let them destroy me anyway so I don't care.

Stepping inside of my new silver Chevrolet (which Christian gave me just a month ago), I drive the streets of New Jersey while my angry tears pour down. Who do they think they are? I bet if Leonardo DiCaprio was there, he would instantly choose me. I would've slapped him across the face and he would pick me. Yes, that was what Margot Robbie did: she slapped Leo's face and she got that part in _Wolf of Wall Street_.

Driving and driving is all I do until my tears are running out. Someday I will prove to those old dudes that I can judge them too, and they're gonna be the ones feeling bad because they realize that they don't have talent at all. Is choosing an actor for a movie a talent? No, it's a skill. There is a huge difference.

When I finally stop crying I reach for my phone to dial Christian's number but it keeps routing to voicemail. I can't talk to him whenever he is at work, and it pisses me off because I am so bored of my life, and my husband is out of reach.

I choose to call my mother instead.

She answers, "Hello?"

"Mom! Mom, I miss you! How's Kansas?"

"Honey, it's good. Everything is good here. I am having bad reception since we are exploring a secretive tunnel and your father just peed on his pants! Can you hear me? Can you . . ." The signal is crappy so I just hang up the phone.

Where are they when I need them? At work? At a random tunnel? Yes, Anastasia, you agreed to have the world but not the people in it so just deal with it!

I do what comforts me for the meantime. I shop endlessly with my own credit card. Wearing my Chanel pantsuit, I feel like I am in Tinsel Town shopping with Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. I buy everything that's pleasing to my eyes and before I know it, I am already carrying twenty three shopping bags. I walk like the world is a runway and everybody wants to be me. I guess that comforts me even just a little bit. Can those old men do this? Can they buy all clothes they want? I bet they can't.

It has been three months since I married Christian and it went just as I expected. I get a parade of money every day and there are articles about me in magazines. Some people are mean but I am worthy enough for them to pay their attention too and somehow it increases my self-confidence. After Amsterdam, I quit being Christian's assistant and just became a full-time aspiring actress. He didn't mind though. He was very supportive although he wasn't there most of the time. He would travel to different countries and there were times when he can't go home, or he just didn't want to.

To be his wife is materialistically a fairy tale but I don't know why I am left unsatisfied.

He can give me everything. I wake up to the scent of bacon and a strange woman delivering it in bed for me, I have my own space in his house where I can put all of my DVD's and CD's, and I can read countless of books in a day.

Why do I still get bored?

Why is there something lacking?

I can't put my finger at it.

Just like all the times before, I rely on films to be comfort me. Parking in front of the theatre house, I see that _Grim Touch_ is already showing and I waste no time buying my ticket and popcorn. It's been awhile since I've last seen a dystopian-themed movie and in order not to think of the horrible audition just this day, I decide to judge the film from the first second then to the last.

It's really horrible.

The plot sure has potential and I have a copy of the book but it's really awful. The actors don't know how to do their job and the cinematography makes it seem like they don't have one hundred million dollars for the budget of the film. There is so much to look forward to because of the whole premise but the execution fails. There is no impact and when you watch a movie or read a book, the impact is the most important of all.

What I hate about it is that people would claim that the movie is the best just because it had romance and action, but it just doesn't deserve a single compliment. I am going to the salon after this awful movie experience because I've been pulling my hair for the whole two hour duration of the film.

The moment I get out of the cinema, I hear one snap of a camera. I take a look at the paparazzi and he is too handsome to be a paparazzi.

Mr. Paparazzi has a gloriously tanned skin, chiselled body, square jaw, dark curly hair, green eyes, and thin lips. His shoulders are so broad especially since he's wearing a V-necked black shirt underneath the red plaid. His jeans are tattered and he's tall but not taller than Christian. He flashes me a cockier smirk and I roll his eyes at him.

"I am not in the mood to pose for the paparazzi right now, okay?"

To make things worse, he has a deep British accent, "I am not a paparazzi."

"Who are you?"

"The question is who are you? Why should paparazzi take a photo of you?"

"Excuse me?"

He laughs to himself before explaining, "Just kidding, Anastasia Grey, Everybody knows who you are and as a journalist I am fully aware of your own identity. You are married to the very successful businessman, Christian Grey."

"You're an entertainment journalist?"

"If I say that I am an entertainment journalist, would you let me interview you?"

I roll my eyes completely irritated, "Listen dude! I just had a bad day, okay? I am nowhere near fine so please just stop playing around."

He laughs to himself and that irritates me more.

Handsome Journalist takes something out of his pocket then shows it to me. It's an identification number with his name and workplace. We shake hands when he introduces himself, "My name is Jose Rodriguez, sports journalist from America Forever, one of the top newspapers in the country."

Okay, he is a legit newswriter so the irritation is not as strong.

"Nice to meet you, Jose but please I am no sporty person so get rid of that photo."

Jose smiles wider this time, "I am not writing a sports news article right now. Our entertainment journalist resigned because of me so the editor-in-chief ordered me to write articles for the entertainment section. I just need your opinion about the whole movie. Can you tell me how it pleased you?"

I want to puke at that, "Please me? Jose, how can it please me? That was garbage."

He's taken aback, "W-w-whoa! You didn't like it? I am a bit gobsmacked but continue please. This would make a great story."

"Grim Touch is the worst film of the year! I am not kidding when I say that! It is the worst because . . ." I rant for what seems like the whole day. Jose shows me how professional he is as a journalist as he looks very curious about every word I say. He even takes down notes and records it.

"That's it! I hate the whole thing!"

He gulps, "Mrs. Grey, thank you so much for that review. That was really unexpected but it sure makes it completely different. I watched the trailer on the telly and I saw how everyone is so excited about it. The fandom is biased but it's nice to hear your opinion. Your point stood out and somehow it made me change my perception of the film."

"Thanks for that." At least something good comes out of this day and it's with a stranger. How more unexpected can this day get?

"I am not writing the article anymore."

"What?!" Is this man serious? After that empowering speech I made, he's not going to write it? What's wrong with people today?

Before I freak out he manages to explain, "I am not going to write it because it's you who is going to write it. America Forever needs a movie critic and I believe you are it. Can you write this for me, Mrs. Grey?"

I gulp and with no hesitations I declare, "I am going to write it!"

"Thank you so much! Write it tonight, okay? The article is due tomorrow and I will recommend you to our editor-in-chief. Send your review to my e-mail and I will forward it to my boss. You don't have to worry about plagiarism issues since I am a journalist with ethics and believe me; movies don't captivate me like sports do. I am a sports journalist so trust me with this, okay?"

"Okay," I nod receiving his info card.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Grey. I hope you'll join America Forever."

"I hope so too, Jose. Just call me Ana."

"Can't wait to receive your e-mail, Ana."

_oOo_

Have you ever done something that made you forget that time existed? Have you ever felt like you are the best at something and no matter what people say, you'd just conclude it to be jealousy? Have you ever found something so good that you just can't seem to stop doing it?

Yes, I found mine.

After meeting Jose, I waste no time driving myself home. As soon as I step into our glass walled house, I open my Macbook and type every single ounce of feelings I have. Gone was the judgement of those three men and gone was the thought that I have no talent. For the first time in the world, I am embarking on self-discovery and it's one of the best feelings in the world.

I express my thoughts about the movie through the words typed and I have never felt this way before. It's like meeting your first love all over again, when you thought you've already met him. I don't stop typing. It's like the most natural feeling in the world. The words just pour out and I can name the characters and the actors one by one even with eyes closed.

Christian's presence is unnoticed until he stands behind me putting both his hands on each side of my shoulder, "Good evening, Ana."

"Hmmm . . ."

He seems to notices my concentration so he asks, "What's up, Doc?" It's his other language for "How are you?"

I stop typing just to look up to meet his handsome face. He looks very relaxed and the moonlight spreading through the window illuminates his blue eyes, like the ocean's reaction when the moonlight greets him at night time.

This is the moment I've felt the proudest of myself and I'm sure he'll feel the same.

"Christian, I finally found my backup goal."

 **Author's Note: I DO NOT OWN FSOG!**

 **This quote I found via Google images inspired me to write this chapter: "I have discovered that God's no's are merely preludes to an even greater yes."**

 **Thank you for the overwhelming responses.**

 **What do you think of this chapter?**

 **Margo.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 18**

 **Jealous**

from:

to: futureactressmagentapony

subject: dun dun dun dun!

message: Good morning! Remember me, Anastasia? I was the David Beckham-lookalike you saw yesterday. I am just kidding! Although a lot of people told me that I really look like David Beckham. Okay, on to business: Mr. Ramsay wants you to come over the publication house because well yeah, he's the boss and (look at the subject of the message). You are in the heap of trouble. Why did you even offend him? I am just kidding again. Don't mind me. I am an idiot.

P.S. Christian Grey is a lucky man to have you. He has the hottest wife.

"What's that? You're going to the publications office?"

I whisk away due to the startling. "Holy Crap! Christian, don't you do that again, okay? Don't scare me again!"

My husband doesn't apologize as both his thumbs circle my shoulder blades while reading the e-mail I received squinting his grey eyes. He reacts, "Is this the professional sports journalist you met yesterday? Why is he drunk?" He continues skimming through Jose's words before he grimaces, "What an unprofessional! What kind of person hits on his colleagues through e-mails?! You should report this man! This is borderline harassment! Hot? Why would he call you 'hot'? It's disrespectful!"

Disrespectful? Or he just doesn't think that it's true?

Rolling my eyes, I respond, "Right. What kind of guy would call me 'hot'?"

His eyebrows knit together then he lets out a frustrated sigh, "Why are you complicating the discussion, Anastasia? That is not what I meant!"

"It's not? You're making it sound like it's a crime for someone to compliment me."

Christian pulls a wooden chair and places it right next to me. We face each other, and he cups my cheeks, "Ana, why are you being like this? The day just started and you're acting like it's the saddest part already. What is happening? Is it because you think I don't think you look hot?"

I slowly nod and he sincerely laughs.

"Why are you laughing?" I scowl. I don't know what's going on with me but the way Christian laughs right now makes me want to cry. Does he think that this is funny? I know he seldom compliments me but why would he get mad when somebody else tries to call me something positive?

As his laughter fades, Christian explains, "It's about that, huh? Ana, trust me, you are hot! And it's not because of your pear-shaped body or your C cups but because of your personality. You are fun to be with. To be honest with you, 'hot' is an understatement. Anastasia, you are the sexiest! That drunk Jose is right. I'm the luckiest."

My cheeks redden at that but I don't let it get me. I look away but he manages to pull my face to the direction of his.

"Don't ever doubt yourself again, okay? Whether it's sexiness, face, personality, and talent, never doubt yourself. All the compliments in the world are an understatement when they're being used for you. Ana, you are the best, especially that night when I went home extremely late from work and you came home wearing that red lacy lingerie and then—"

"Okay, okay, stop! Stop, okay? Stop!"

He gives me an awkward laugh, "Why'd you like me to stop?"

"Ugh! I don't like to talk about ehhhh!"

"But you've done the ehhh with me like nonstop!"

"Why do we need to talk about this out loud?"

Christian seems to enjoy annoying me, "Remember that Sunday when you proved to me how religious we are? You asked me to go to church with you and I reluctantly agreed and we spoke the holy ones' names again and again—"

I cover my ears with my hands and pout like a child, "No! No! No! Lalalalala! I hear nothing! Lalalalala! I hear nothing!"

"—and again. At night, we still spoke of their names! In fact, you screamed them!"

"Hey! That's unfair! You screamed them too!"

He smirks and raises one brow, "So you were listening? So you can hear a thing? I guess 'lalalala' doesn't work, huh?" What's with his mocking tone? I know he's supposed to sound irritating but it just makes him sound more adorable. Christian should be like this every single day. He doesn't know how beautiful he gets when he talks about the lightest joys in life.

I don't know what came over but I blurt out, "I can hear a thing and I also knew that you were jealous of Jose. In fact, you feel threatened by him!"

 _Anastasia, why?_

 _Why?_

 _Why would you do this?_

 _Now look at your husband's face!_

Gone is the happy and playful Christian when the boring businessman Christian reappears. I swear I shouldn't let my heart dictate my mouth since nothing good comes out of it. He just looks awful as of the moment. He seems like he wants to take a million steps away from me. He looks frightened and it's not a good sign.

"Christian, I—"

"Why would a successful tycoon like me get envious over an average worker who is sending e-mails like he's drunk? I am not jealous, Ana. I just thought that it was an unprofessional move. Imagine if I call Paulina 'hot', what would—"

"Okay, okay, Christian, I get it okay. I get what you are saying but you must understand jokes!" I remember someone told me yesterday that I can't act but what do you call this? He openly told me that he'll never be jealous of another guy and it freaking hurts like crazy, but I'd rather he doesn't see me fall apart so I have to conceal it and pretend like it was nothing but a joke.

"You were joking?" I am not even surprised when he sounds like the world's weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

"Yes," I lie.

"Oh, you sounded serious and—"

I change the subject since acting is getting tougher and tougher by each second, "Actually I was just trying to think of anything else apart from the fact that maybe the editor-in-chief found my article too offensive. Christian, I have an acting background but I can't have that biggest break. I mean I don't have any writing background so how could my words move people?"

He turns serious, "What do you mean by background?"

"I never had journalism workshops nor was I part of the school paper, so how could I expect people to react to my work when I had none of those? How can I expect it to have an impact on people?"

Christian states, "You expect the Editor-in-Chief to get angry at what you wrote and that's already an impact."

My back straightens. I whisper, "Touché"

"Is this all about that? Do you doubt your talent again?"

"No, it's just—"

He places his strong hands in both my arms when he dictates, "Repeat after me, okay? I am Anastasia Grey and I can do it."

I repeat.

"Louder!"

"I can do it!"

"LOUDER!"

"I CAN DO IT!"

Then, my saliva sprinkles all over his face.

Christian winces and I instantly look apologetic. He seems slightly disturbed but all I can do is cringe and say sorry again and again. He accepts all my sorry's and I am already panicking since it's becoming too awkward.

"It was effective! It enhanced my skill! How did you know how to do that? You surely have encouraged a lot of people!" Hell! I sound so fake right now.

"I use that during few of the orientations with my employees but it's the first time it's gotten this intense that saliva sprinkled all over my face," he shares while wiping his face with a towel.

"Sorry again"

He pinches my cheek before kissing it, "S'okay. Let me go ahead and brush my teeth first."

Our bathroom is colored gold and it has a shower, streamer, Jacuzzi, and marbled sink. The mirror is wide too and as for the size? It's bigger than the apartment room I grew up in. To have a bathroom like this makes my marriage with Christian more worth it. I could stay here all day without complaining. Plus, the scent of lilac is all over the place and it relaxes me.

I take the shower while he brushes his teeth. I am too focused on my fear of meeting the Editor-in-Chief that I only hear his knock on the third time.

Half-opening the shower door, I ask, "What?"

"Why'd you lock it?" He pouts like a kid denied access to his kindergarten classroom.

"Because I know this would happen!"

I get a laugh from him.

"It's true! Christian, we're gonna be late if I let you in!"

"You know, you in the shower is like my kryptonite."

I laugh at that, "You are crazy!"

He is crazy but I let him in anyway.

 **Grim Touch's Grim Touch**

 **A film review by Anastasia Grey**

 **Last Sunday, the hyped film, Grim Touch has graced the theatres with its presence. The question is: Was it really a grace? Or was it as grim as its title?**

 **The aforementioned movie is based on Cara DiLotti's bestselling Grim Trilogy in which she features the dystopian world where aliens have inhabited that planet and only twelve kids have the power to eliminate the aliens' force. The twelve kids are the survivor babies seventeen years prior to the present. They have diverse powers and each character is a story to behold.**

 **Among the twelve is the seventeen year old, Mila who can see a person's death with just one touch of a hand. She's the angriest towards the aliens and it's quite ironic how she has fallen in love with one. (It's not at all weird because the aliens who invaded planet Earth are very good-looking). Mila meets a one of a kind alien named Lex and they embark on a romantic yet not so exciting action-packed journey together.**

 **The whole premise of the plot is superb but the movie as a whole is not.**

 **All the actors and actresses made it seem like their script was made by a person writing it upside down. The cinematography sucks and the direction is a low blow. I don't understand why people love this! That guy playing Lex is incredibly handsome but I cannot even remember his name since he is not that good.**

 **Please do better with the CGI next time. I hope you even know what CGI means.**

 **It's 3 stars over 10.**

"You are so harsh with your review that I instantly fell in love with you!"

This is clearly not the reaction I expected from Mr. Ramsay. He reads my article again and again, over the moon of the reality that it was published by America Forever. Well, I am over the moon too. This just feels surreal. I feel like floating in the sky. No one has ever read something I wrote out loud and I am not sure if I even wrote something before.

"What do you think about America Forever?"

"Huh?"

"What do you think about it?"

"It makes me think that America is . . . forever?"

I want to run away now. I have no idea about newspapers since I don't think someone still reads them. I obviously make it so transparent that I am completely ignorant when it comes to current events and journalistic facts. However, he seems to laugh hysterically at my response. He even claps his hands while laughing. Am I really funny?

"America is indeed forever, Mrs. Grey! Don't sound like you are uncertain!"

"America is forever!" I motion my right arm like I am in a rally and my voice is full of conviction.

"Yes, America is forever!"

"Absolutely!"

"A big congratulations to you since it's just your first article yet a lot of people are already talking about it. They even agree with you! Aside from the fact that you've already established your name as one of the most successful businessman's wife, your reviews are so frank that people have forgotten that Euphemism exists. You convinced them to see that faults in the movie and its ratings dropped down."

"Really?" I am too shocked to let it come out as more than a whisper.

"Yes, really."

"I, uh . . . uhm . . ." I should tell Christian. I should tell him all about this. That's all I can think of.

"Mrs. Grey, would you like to join our team?"

My lungs are left with no air.

"We lost our entertainment journalist because she did a career move. That sports journalist of mine made her realize that she belonged to the circus and not here. She was a contortionist since her knees can meet her backbone so yeah we need someone to replace her. Will you be our entertainment journalist, Mrs. Grey? Specifically, you will review movies."

"Of course, I will be."

He doesn't hear me.

"All you have to do is interview some stars and criticize a movie or TV show or you can just visit a red carpet event or award show and—"

"I WILL BE!" I scream this time and my saliva has its second victim.

"You are officially my colleague! You know what? We release the hottest stories in the paper industry so you should be proud you're working here!" Jose, with his thickest British accent, tours me around the four storied building where I meet a lot of people whose names I can't even remember.

I am so happy right now. If there is a novel all about my self-esteem then this would be the happy ending. I just feel like I can do so much in life and that people can look up to me because of my opinions. Some may not agree but that won't stop me from embodying the true form of a woman who stands for something. I am Anastasia Steele and I stand for my movie opinions.

"This will be your office," he opens a twenty square metered empty room with white walls and I can already see what it's gonna look like. It's gonna have all of my favourite movie posters and picture frames of my loved ones. I can also place a huge flat screen above so that I can re-watch some movies I have to review.

Jose continues, "I will be just across your office so if you would need anything by tomorrow, I am only one call away."

I nod.

"I'll be here to save the day."

"Okay"

"Superman got nothing on me."

"O . . . kay?"

"I'm only one call away!" He sings it this time and I laugh out of realization. This Jose guy is insane. He looks like a serious person with his T-Shirts and ripped jeans accompanied by nerdy glasses and Converse, but the truth is he's really insane and he doesn't care if you are close or not. I like him already. I can feel like we can be good friends especially since he has a bright aura that makes you forget all about your problems, and that he's just fun to be around.

We are gonna be great friends. I think we already are.

He scratches his head while quirkily explains, "You know what? Don't feel weird around me, okay? I am the craziest person you'll ever meet and the best as well. If you see me talk to teapots, then it's normal. If you see me hanging by the fluorescent lamps like a monkey, it's normal. If you see me cry over garlic, then it's normal, I do it in the pantry. Don't feel weird, okay?"

I don't feel weird at all so I nod.

"Have you ever watched The Legend of Aang?"

"Yes, why?" That is so random! Okay, Anastasia, don't feel weird out by him.

"Then you are going to love my joke!"

"What's the joke?"

Jose, still showing masculinity commands me, "Ask me if I like Appa."

"Do you like Appa, Jose?"

"Yep yep!"

"Are you serious?!"

The two of us laugh together and I almost feel myself sliding down the ground. This man really is funny and it's hard to believe that he's the same man I met at the theatre yesterday. He just seems so lively and charismatic. Thinking back to yesterday, he did have some joker crazy vibe but it's kind of low key since we just first met but now he's showing off full on crazy.

I clarify, "Were you drunk when you sent me the e-mail this morning?"

"No, I don't drink, Ana."

I just nod at that. I wonder how he's gonna act like when he gets drunk.

After the silly talks with him, we proceed to taking photos of me in front of the publication building. Thankfully I am wearing one of the best black dresses I have since it envelopes my body in the most elegant way and the silver jewelleries are adding class to it. I feel like the girl on top of the highest building right now.

Jose takes a photo of me since it has been a tradition if someone gets hired in America Forever. He instructs me on how to pose and it's been really fun. I haven't had this much of laughter and presence of a friend since Mia in high school. It's nice to know that I met someone like Jose. I can't wait to tell Christian all about this day. He's gonna be so happy when he finds out I've made a potential best friend.

"You wanna hear another Avatar joke?"

"Bring it on!"

"What is Sokka's favourite sport?"

"I don't know? What?"

"Soccer, of course," His accent makes it sound like he's still speaking Sokka's name and the two of us are laughing really hard right now. My knees are shakily losing its balance until I'm kneeling down the ground, still laughing like there's no tomorrow. I laugh and laugh and laugh until I realize no one's laughing with me anymore.

Jose turns formal and it's almost unbelievable.

I look at the direction of his eyes and I see Christian looking furious. He has bouquet of blue roses in his hands and I can see the veins becoming visible on his neck. He just looks . . . hurt. He just does, and it's scaring me.

It takes a long moment for me to realize that I am kneeling on the ground. My husband walks towards me offering me his hand and I take it, patting away the dust from my black dress and knees.

Ten seconds. It's all it takes to create tension.

My husband doesn't look like the husband who's been showing feelings in an increment way with each passing day in our marriage. Looking at him now, he's back to the man I was engaged to five months ago. He's back to his usual robotic self and I hate it when he does it.

The coldness in his voice gives me frostbite.

"Anastasia, I couldn't concentrate at work just thinking about how your day went. I checked the newspaper and they called you the Simon Cowell of movie reviews and I couldn't have been prouder. Flowers for you, Ana, my wife. Congratulations!" His voice is louder when he utters "my wife".

"Thank you!" I take the flowers from him, still uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, Jose chooses to be awkward in the worst moment, "Christian, nice to meet you! You know what? I have been an avid fan of Tigris-Euphrates Airlines and it's one of the best air experiences ever, aside from some bags of potato chips, of course but I am not kidding when I say that you have the best airline and—"

"I know! You don't need to inform me about that." Jose and I flinch at the same time. Christian's voice is venomous and he almost looks like he could rip Jose limb by limb.

"Christian, let's go home now, okay?" Before things could get worse, I hook arms with my husband before leading him to our Ferrari where Taylor, our driver is waiting. I give Jose an apologetic look before getting inside, and I get his goofy smile in return.

While Christian and I are finally inside the Ferrari, I throw the bouquet right at his face and he coughs. "What was that?! Christian, what was that? Just because you don't know who my friends are doesn't mean that you have the right to be rude to them! He was just taking a photo of me and he even complimented your company and—"

"Now you are defending him?!"

"What? Are you insane? Why would I defend you? You were the one who was being harsh to him! You didn't even bother knowing his name! You didn't! Christian, why can't you just be nice for one second?! You are reminding me of my high school days and—"

"I don't even need to know who that guy was! He thought you were hot! I can see it in his body language and—"

"Christian, you don't even know him, okay? He is just being nice!"

"He is not being just nice because he thinks you're hot!"

"Why don't you think that I'm hot?!"

"UGH! THAT AGAIN?! SERIOUSLY?!"

"Then why—"

"I AM JEALOUS, OKAY?"

The whole world stops except for my accelerating heartbeat.

The red in his skin almost fades when he confesses, "I am jealous, okay? I am jealous."

I can't say anything. The car ride turns quiet and I can see Taylor getting interested but I have no care about him at the moment. What's important now is that he is jealous, and that means he does feel something for me. I mean something to him.

My fingers intertwine with his then I rest my head against his arm and I say, "There's nothing to be jealous of, Christian."

"I know because of the arrangement and—"

"It's not because of that." I quickly prove him wrong, "There's nothing to be jealous of. Each time my day ends, my only thought is I should tell you all about it. It could be a good day or bad, but all I care about is that I can tell you everything about it."

After a few minutes his lips meets the top of my head and intensely tells me, "The thought of anyone else having you . . . kills me. It kills me, Anastasia."

I kissed him on the lips and he responds with the same amount of passion.


	21. Chapter 21

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 21**

 **Impact**

The anger may have subsided but the possessiveness did not. He was claiming me as his own; forbidding me to be anyone else's through his kisses.

Upon entering the door of our mansion of a home, he presses me against the wall and kisses me feverishly. There is too much emotion in the way his eyes look at me. Such intensity usually makes me want to hide somewhere but right now I need it too.

His hands are roaming all over my body and I'm feeling the tingling sensation in my skin. There are sparks and they're causing me to heat up. His lips leave mine only to kiss every spot from my neck down to my collarbones. I am having a hard time breathing as he tears my dress, buttons flying.

No, this isn't going to be soft.

He rips the skirt I'm wearing, leaving me only in my bra and panties. He eyes me lustfully from head to toe before ripping them both too. It doesn't take long before he fondles both of my breasts in an animalistic way. His grunts are getting very strong too. I reach out to take his clothes off but he grabs both of my hands, stopping me.

"Tell me it's only me who makes you feel this way," his voice is unusually dark and deep.

"It's only you who makes me feel this way, Christian," I assure him with voice too weak.

"Makes you feel what?" His eyes are dark.

"You know . . ."

"I know what, Ana?"

"This," I take control of his right hand and guide them to my heated core. He feels the hotness and wetness, all combined and he groans because of it. Then, he lets my hands go and our lips press together in a ferocious attack. I feel like they're going to be swollen since he's exploring every corner of the inside of my mouth with his tongue and it seems like it is going non-stop.

I am at his pace too. All of a sudden, my will to prove to him that it's only him who makes me feel this way just intensified. I rip off his business attire, not minding how sore my fingers are from that. Both of us are already naked. We're figures of exposed flesh standing amidst the mountain of the ripped fabric of our clothes.

Christian makes me roar his name when he licks the valley between my mounds and eventually kissing me down there. He knows how much I love it when he does that. Right now? It's a million times better. I cannot even stand straight. I feel like I am falling apart. His tongue moves inside of me in a speed I never thought he's capable of.

"Oh . . . Oh . . . Christian!"

I almost rip his copper hair off as I finally come for him.

I haven't even recovered from the high I've reached but he's back on his feet, kissing me on the lips. I can taste myself and somehow it's turning me on again. He's holding me so tightly now as he knows that if he isn't, then I would fall down on the floor.

"That's right, Anastasia. You only moan my name, my name, and my name only," he tells me.

I give him a nod that lacked energy before pulling his face close to mine again and we're back to the heavy make-out. He carries me, hands supporting my buttcheeks and my legs wrap around his strong torso. He brings me I expected to the bed but no, he proves me wrong.

He leads me to the grand piano and sits me down there, creating an angry tune from the black and white keys. It matches what we're feeling instead. "It must be only me, Ana. Only me. Tell me!" He's very possessive but not to the point that it's frightening. Honestly, this has been the most exposed I've seen of him. He's weak . . . for me.

"Only you," I whisper before he aligns himself to my center. He enters me forcefully that the piano makes a tuneless music again. He thrusts in and out, in and out, in and out. I close my eyes and just feel everything. My hands are on his shoulders and he's reaching so deeply inside of me that it's almost becoming painful. There is more pleasure, of course.

"Ana, Ana," he grunts my name as his thrusts are becoming fuller.

His body moves so quick that I cannot even hold on to his shoulders anymore. Everything just seems to be so unsteady. Both of my hands cling for support to the keys, creating another sound of deafening keys. The piano's sounds match the intensity of the moment. I open my eyes and see him with his closed. He's feeling it, almost telling himself that he can give me more—that he can give me everything he's got.

I feel him about to release inside me so he unwraps his arms around my waists and hold for support on the piano keys as well. There's another angry tune and this time, it matches the inhuman sounds we're making. It's a melody we never knew went well together. Then, we're both breathing in and out and I kiss his forehead, completely feeling limp.

He presses his ear right next to my wild heartbeat.

"Did I hurt you?" He asks full of concern.

"No, you didn't," I tell him truthfully.

He kisses my rising up and down chest before burying his face to it.

His copper hair is dripping in sweat but I still run my fingers through them lazily. I still can't get over the level of possessiveness he just showed. The hopeful part of me says that he's close to finally admitting that he really feels something romantic for me.

I just realize how different this feels compared to how the movies portrayed it. I was merely in high school when I saw the love scene from _Pretty Woman_ that involved Richard Gere and Julia Roberts on a piano. Christian didn't make me feel pretty-he made me feel like a beautiful woman.

As the wind becomes colder, he pulls out of me and carries me bridal style to our bedroom. He lies right next to me and I am suddenly feeling bashful because he's staring at me without inhibitions. The way he looks is like his eyes are permanently fixated at the sight of me.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I ask.

He replies with another question, "What are you doing to me, Anastasia?"

"What do you mean, Christian?"

We throw questions after questions.

Then, his fingers play with my brown hair and his eyes are almost singing for every inch of my skin. This is the Christian I want to be with me every day. I don't want him to hold back. I don't want him to think badly of himself. I want him to show me who he really is so that I'll prove that I will love every inch of him—good or bad.

He finally answers, "You make me feel something I don't deserve to feel."

I am not stupid to not get what that something means. I am actually feeling half elated. The other half of me has finally confirmed his feelings for me in unverified information. On the other hand, I feel down because Christian is holding back. The feelings he has? They're trapped being held by the binds of self-guilt.

"Whatever you're feeling, Christian? You deserve to feel it," I tell him softly moving closer to him, inhaling his scent.

"I don't, Ana. You know that!"

"No!"

"I am a monster. I am a monster, Ana," he says almost crying.

That's when I decide to make him feel the love I have for him. I sit down despite the soreness of my body and I begin kissing him.

"You are not a monster," I kiss his right cheek.

"You are not a monster," I say again as I kiss his left.

Then I trail kisses on the upper part of his body, feeling every inch of his skin. He's silent but I could tell he likes it since his hands have grabbed quite a lot of strands from my hair. They're not tugging them. It's just the right amount of telling how he has me.

I take him by surprise when I position myself on top of his erect cock. I press both of my hands against his firm abs.

"You're not a monster, Christian. You are beautiful."

I utter those words mindlessly before sliding down before him in a very slow motion. I do it for us up and down and then in circling motion. He meets my slow thrusts gradually, both hands on either sides of my waist.

Something tells me to open my eyes and so I do. I see him staring at me with so much passion. There we are, two souls sweat against sweat and shorts breaths against short breaths. Both of us are panting and it doesn't take long before he sits up and we are chest against chest, heartbeats against heartbeats.

The two of us finally come and I rest my chin on his shoulder, holding him close to me.

Then this is what I've realized:

We just saw each other naked. Naked doesn't mean taking your clothes off. I guess the real clothes we wear are not the fabric ones. Instead, the real clothes we wear are the secrets we keep to conceal who we really are. This is the very naked of us. We know each other well and we still take each other for that.

I have this habit of comparing everything to a movie and right now? It's the love scene from _Titanic_ where Jack and Rose made love in a car. Jack asked her, "Where to, Miss?" Rose's response perfectly described how I feel right now.

"To the stars," she said.

It was more than just sex. We just made love.

_oOo_

There is no turning back now. I am really in love with him. I will do everything to help him forgive himself. The first step I am going to take is to bring myself to his past. He's in another business meeting across the state and with the help of a private investigator; I got information on the whereabouts of Sofia Hyde.

"Miss Anastasia, I think we are already here," Luke informs me.

I look from the inside of the car window and see an enormous building. It's the hospital for the mentally ill and it's quite nerve-racking that Sofia is inside there. I am crossing boundaries here. I know my husband will never allow this.

"You're going to visit the same person?"

"Huh?" What did Luke say?

"Taylor actually told me that Mr. Grey always comes here. He says it's like almost every week."

He does? I am not surprised about that. "Yes, Luke, I am going to visit the exact same person."

Luke opens the car door for me and I step out of it. I take a deep breath before getting inside. Everything's really . . . reverent. I can sense that the nurses are kind hearted and they're very welcoming to visitors. Knowing Christian, he'll never put Sofia in a bad hospital.

"How may I help you, Ma'am?"

"I am here to visit Sofia Hyde."

"She's in the garden. Come on, this way."

It turns out that they also have outdoor sessions to refresh themselves. I see people of different sex and ages but with one thing in common: they have lost their minds. I feel such pity for them. Some of them can't even afford to move. There are people too depressed that they don't even appreciate the ray of sunlight. There are some who keep on laughing it's almost disturbing. There are also those who talk to thin air.

"There she is!" The nurse tells me that we've finally reached Sofia. She's in white attire for patients and she's talking to someone. She's speaking to no one and her age reminds me of my grandmother.

"How are you related to her, Ma'am? May I ask?"

I am not related to her so I tell the nurse, "I am Christian Grey's wife!"

"Whoa! I knew it! That's why you are so familiar! Anastasia Grey, right? I am one of your followers on Instagram!" Knowing myself, that's supposed to make me feel happy but I don't give a damn about that right now. Guess what? It doesn't even matter.

The nurse almost feels embarrassed as I haven't responded, "Anyway, I am sorry about that unprofessionalism, but seriously though, Mr. Grey helps us a lot. We are actually under the Tigris-Euphrates Foundation. He supports us."

I give her a nod, simply concentration on the sight of Sofia. She looks like a very kind old lady. It breaks my heart as I hear her talk, "Yes, Jack, you are going to be a pilot, someday! Not just a pilot but a great one! You do it!" She kisses the air and I cannot hold back my tears anymore.

There's a certain level of sympathy I feel for this woman. I am not a mother but I feel her pain.

"Excuse me?" someone calls from behind me. I look back, expecting it to be the nurse but these are two women: one teenager and another one looking like she's the same age as Christian's. Their physical appearance makes it hard to ignore that they're mother and daughter.

"Who are you? The nurse told us Sofia has a visitor. How do you know her?" The older woman asks.

I am tongue-tied.

"Yes, how do you know my grandmother?" the teenage girl asks and it turns out I don't know everything about Christian's past.

_oOo_

I think what we fail to understand is that there are impacts we never weighed before making a decision. Sometimes there are moments when one action might lead to a life altering consequence. And those consequences? They're not changeable.

I never thought that the loss of one person can affect so many lives.

The woman's name is Leila Williams and her daughter, Jaclyn is with her. After the visit to Sofia where both of them gave her a bunch of her favourite biscuits, they take me to a cheap café and now the coffee's cold as I do nothing but listen to everything.

Leila narrates, "Christian and Jack are really close friends almost two decades ago. We were in high school in this very prestigious academy and Jack got a scholarship. He was kind, loving, and hardworking. He never complained despite how difficult his life was. His father left him and his mother for another woman and never came back. His mother fell into depression and her mental illness started. There were too many problems but Jack found a way to be positive and chase his dreams. He dreamed to be a pilot.

One day, the bullies were making of him. They were teasing him because his shoes were dirty and weren't branded. Christian stood up for him. He was actually one of the bullies but Christian doesn't like it when someone gets bullied because of their status in life. They became friends and Christian supported Jack. They became this pact. Of course, Christian still loved to make fun of others and never listened to Jack when he corrected him.

Well, he made the wrong move by bullying Ned daily. He didn't know what Ned was going through. Apparently, Ned was very much depressed and he's all alone in a mansion since his parents are never around. We could say that he wasn't mentally healthy even before Christian made him his laughing stock."

I stir the coffee senselessly letting the information sink in.

Leila continues, "I am actually Jack's childhood friend. We grew up together and fell in love. I witnessed everything he's been through and that made me love him even more. You know why he wanted to be a pilot? It was because I'd always be cheerful when I see planes fly across the sky. We were too poor to fly in one. That's when Jack made a promise that he'll be the one to take to touch the clouds. I know it's impossible but he made it sound like it's not.

I was devastated when he died. I was really shocked. We had it all planned out. We were very much in love. We're supposed to get married and grow old together. We were soulmates and Christian saw it. He treated me like his precious sister as well. When I heard that Jack was shot, I lost it. I was not myself for more nearly a week. Then, I found out that I have his baby growing inside of me. I know it's sad that he never knew he's going to be a father but at least he left me my most precious treasure."

My tears flowed freely at that. I glanced at Jaclyn and she was smiling radiantly.

"Christian has never been the same since then. He kept blaming himself for what happened. I told him that it's not his fault but he just can't seem to get over it. Anastasia, you must know that I—that we don't blame your husband for anything," Leila strongly declares.

That's when sixteen year old Jaclyn enters the discussion, "Uncle Christian helped us a lot, Aunt Ana. He got Mom out of the trailer park and bought a new home for her and even before I was born, he gave me a university scholarship. It's like I opened my eyes and I already have a certain bright future waiting. He visits us once a year in New York to catch up and all I wish is to see him happy. He visited us last week and he seems happier. It's because of you!"

I find a way to smile because of that.

Leila then holds my hand and says, "Anastasia, thank you for making Christian happy. We can see that he's much better now. Without him, I will never have a job. I am currently a marketing executive. He helped me out a lot. I am sure Jack's happy for him and he doesn't want Christian to live his life in punishment. It was out of Christian's control, what happened. He loves you and that's all we've been hoping for: Him finding a life."

I smile at that. These are people living as proof that Christian is so much more than the wrong choices he has made. They are one of the evidences that he's a man with a heart of gold. I love him for that. I love him for who he is.

I love him despite everything.

It's time that he finally finds out.

 **Author's Note: I've been receiving a lot of reviews saying that the Ana in this fic is not likeable. From the first chapter, I warned you that this isn't the typical story where characters are loved. I want to write more about their flaws. Lol. Thank you so much for reading my story. Please do leave a comment. Good or bad will do. Both helps me to grow.**

 **Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 22**

 **Airplanes**

I understand where Christian is coming from. Believe me, I do, but he cannot live this way anymore. He can do more than blaming himself for Ned's actions. He has done a lot. He has been kind to people and if kindness weren't enough, then the world would cease to exist. I feel so much for my husband.

After talking to Leila, I've become more determined in making Christian love himself again. Leila lost the love of her life and never got a chance to tell him that they have a daughter. His daughter, Jaclyn, never even met him. They know what happened. They know how Christian treated Ned but they're not even angry at him.

I remember Leila telling me, "Bitterness gets you nowhere. It leaves you stagnant. Sometimes you have no choice but to let things come to pass." Christian must know that.

Speaking of Christian, he's typing furiously on his laptop and I'm guessing that he's winning another client again. The thing about this man is that he keeps on winning everyone over. He has everybody's hearts yet he doesn't have an idea at all. The only person whom he didn't win over is himself. I aim to change that.

I see him yawn after he takes a sip from his mug of coffee. I know that he's already tired but it looks like he doesn't want to sleep yet. Well, he must. I don't want to sleep without being coated in his scent.

"Christian?"

"I am busy," Yeah, very straightforward.

I am ready to fall asleep now and in fact, I am excited because of my outfit. They're actually pink pyjamas with Hello Kitty designs. It's really cute! I wrap my arms around his shoulders from behind then kiss the back of his neck for a second. I press my cheek against his as I read the e-mails. Well, I am not smart enough to know about business terms or airplane terms.

"Let's go to sleep, please."

"I'll follow. You go first." No, I am not going to take that answer.

I kiss his cheek and plead, "Please, Christian."

"Ana . . ." I smile to myself as I sense that he's giving in.

I kiss his nose this time, "Let's go to bed please."

He shuts his laptop and looks at me, "You don't really take no for an answer, do you?"

I shake my head and give him a childish victory laugh. He smiles then kisses me chastely before we go to our bedroom, sleeping contently in each other's arms.

_oOo_

"Everybody is talking about you! America Forever is becoming more famous than it already is and it's all because of you, Anastasia," Big Boss Ramsay boosts my confidence again.

Well, in the office, he's called Big Boss but he's only five feet tall. It's ironic but it makes sense since he's pretty scary when he gets mad. He won't get mad at me though because I'm one of the top performers here. I don't mean to sound arrogant or anything but that's the truth. My articles are the most read. The best thing about that is that it's not because I'm Christian's wife but because they agree with my reviews.

"The director of Grizzly Nation wants to meet you personally. He really wants to thank you for the review you've made. He's kind of surprised that you know a lot about bears!"

"I am a big fan of research," I say.

"Alright! That's great to hear! Everybody, listen up! Anastasia here is a big fan of research! You should be too!" Have I forgotten to mention that this is a staff meeting? Yes, he's actually complimenting me in front of my colleagues and it's the best feeling in the world.

"Thanks Big Boss," I tell him.

He replies with more enthusiasm, "The best part is that we will have a fine dining experience with the whole cast and crew of Grizzly Nation! Who would've thought that a low budget film could earn millions of dollars? All because of Ana's reviews!"

Everyone claps their hands to support me but obviously, Jose stands out, "Friends, countrymen, lend me your ears! Who discovered this wonderful movie critic? Uh-huh! That's me! Jose Rodriguez!" This time, everyone cheers louder including me. Big Boss is not impressed at all. He really doesn't like Jose because of his over the top personality. What makes him bear Jose's presence is his phenomenal sports writing talent.

Big Boss clears his throat getting the attention back. He says, "Anastasia, what made you decide to watch this film even though it lacked publicity?"

"To be truthful, I am very much in love with films. In fact, I wanted to be an actress because of that and to be honest, I became more driven in chasing my goal as an actress when I met my best friend, Mia. Throughout the years, I've been watching movies and it just became my refuge. It felt like I always belonged. I watched all Oscar nominated films and even the Golden Raspberry ones. They just made me feel alive.

Movies are not just moving images on screen. They depict the reality of the world and the infiniteness of one's imagination. Whatever the cost is, there's a chance of becoming worthy. _Lost in Translation_ , for instance, it's a 2004 film written and directed by Sofia Coppola. The film's budget was only four million dollars but they've earned one hundred nineteen million dollars all over the world upon the film's release. It's not about the money spent, it's about how the message conveys throughout."

As I say that last part, I've come to realize that it's the same with life. We've been given budgets, we've been ascribed to a social status but what really matters is how you lived your life in those years—in the length the story goes on. That sinks into me deep. I should've realized it sooner.

Big Boss yawns but Jose stands up and gives the loudest applause, "Inspirational! Truly inspirational! Long but inspirational!"

I laugh at the part when he exaggerates long.

"Enough about Ana; Let's talk about our next write ups," says Big Boss and the whole meeting goes transactional except for Jose's unnecessary jokes from time to time. It's funny how Big Boss stands him.

There's not much talk about me since we're talking about the news headlines or feature stories interesting enough to attract readership. Yes, enough about me. The whole world's too big and it's not all about me. I am not alone. That's what makes it beautiful.

_oOo_

"Too many rejections, Ana! Those are too many! Dang! I admire you for never stopping! Look at you now! Everybody's waiting for your movie review!" Jose marvels as I share every bad audition I've been to. It's our break and I'm chilling with him.

"It's all because of you, Jose," I tell him.

He smiles, "You know why, Ana? In my past life, I was Christopher Columbus. I was a great discoverer. You can see the resemblance, right?" There's no resemblance at all. That's what makes me laugh about him. There's always so much joy in him. Optimism is his middle name.

"You're way too funny, Jose. By the way, I'm sorry for Christian's behaviour when he met you. He was really . . . jealous." The last word still has an effect on me.

He gives me a smile, "I understand why, Ana. I look like David Beckham so that has to make him insecure!"

Again, there's no resemblance.

Jose is actually the light in the office. Having been equipped in the technicality in sports writing, Jose doesn't encounter any difficulties at all. He finishes his article in a speed of lightning. Then, the whole office turns into a zoo as he gets louder and louder. I've also learned that he compliments a lot of girls. He just wants everybody to be happy.

"Anastasia, you have a visitor," our layout artist informs and I drop my cup of coffee as I see who it is.

"Oh my goodness!" I cry out loud. Elliott, Elizabeth, and Ben are here. I run to them and I hug each of them like I haven't seen them for centuries.

"Elliott, oh my goodness! You look so much better! Oh my gosh! So much better!" What I mean by that is that he looks happier now. He's gotten buffer and that makes it painful for my fist to punch him on the arm.

"Ana, you too. Congratulations! You are known all over the country and movie people are very scared of you, huh? You used to be the one who is scared of them but look at how time changes. It's all real, my little sister and you deserve it so much."

"Thank you, Elliott."

I give him a hug once again. Eventually, it all comes back to Christian. Elliott had to quit school to help Mom and Dad. He got a girlfriend. He married her. She died because of childbirth. Since then, he worked hard but the real dream? The real dream was to be an architect. I cried when Elliott told me that he received a scholarship from an Architecture academy. I cried even harder after finding out that it was Christian's idea. I tried to express my thank you but he dismissed me.

"Auntie Ana!"

"Oh little Ben!"

I swing him around. I have missed my nephew. Look how he has grown! What makes me happier is that the usual paper planes have now turned into real airplane toys. He has one with him now and I am happy. It's a symbol that my family is happy. Finally.

"Elizabeth," I say her name before embracing her. I miss the times when she would steal my clothes. I want nothing more than to show her how huge my closet is.

I remember Jose's presence so I look back to find him frozen like a statue. That is really weird because he has never been like this at all. He's usually loud and funny but right now he's very quiet as he stares at my little sister.

"Jose, come here. Meet my family."

He comes forward in a very slow motion.

"This is my brother, Elliott, my nephew, Ben, and my sister, Elizabeth."

Jose stutters. Do you hear me? He stutters!

"H-hi Elizabeth!"

"Hey! How's it going?" Elizabeth's response is too casual.

"You have beautiful eyes," Jose says and I've confirmed that Cupid has hit his arrow through his heart. Elliott's on protective brother mode but I stop him from butting in.

"Uhm . . . thanks?"

Jose scratches his head and laughs, "You have beautiful nose, mouth, ears, and hair too. Ha!" This is so awkward so I focus on the reunion again.

"What brings you here? Not that I'm complaining."

There's silence before Elliott answers with a thin smile, "We missed you."

I've missed them too.

_oOo_

I can't believe it's been a year since Christian and I agreed to this marriage. Tomorrow's his 35th birthday and of course, there's going to be this grand party at night but I want to do something big for him. I want to make him feel what he really deserves.

The movie articles are actually on pause right now since I'm busy brainstorming on what surprise I'm going to prepare for Christian tomorrow afternoon.

Then, a light bulb appears atop my head.

I dial Paulina's contact number.

"Tigris-Euphrates Airlines. Paulina speaking," she sounds like an operator.

"Paulina, this is Ana. I have one huge favour to ask for. It's for Christian's birthday tomorrow."

Without a doubt, she says, "We're in."

_oOo_

I've been waiting on the rooftop of the Tigris-Euphrates Airlines Headquarters and I thank the world for cooperating with me. The wind is so strong that I need to hold my hair so it won't stick to my face. I am smiling at the clear blue sky mixed with the yellow smile of the sun. It's a beautiful day.

"Ana, sorry I'm a bit late. I got caught up in a meeting," he says sorry for being a minute late.

I give him a smile, "Christian, what's up Doc?"

"I should be the one asking you that. What are we doing here?"

We're in the middle of the rooftop facing each other with a few meters of space between the two of us.

"Remember last year when we were here?"

"Yes, we kissed," my heart flutters as he remembers me clearly too. I wanted him to emphasize that it was our first kiss though.

"You told me about your biggest dream."

"Yes, what about that?"

"You wanted to see ten million planes fly across the sky, right? Well, here they are!"

Christian gets all confused as a lot of his staff encircle us and begin flying ten million paper planes of different colors. Some are blue, some are pink, some are yellow, you name all the colors and they're all there! It's amazing and colourful and they fly perfectly with the wind. He looks at me bewildered.

"This was your idea?" He is acting like a child who received the greatest present.

I give him a nod before I witness him outstretch his arms as paper planes fly around. His eyes are never leaving the paper airplanes. He spins around and I almost cry. He really looks happy. He's really carefree. I look at the staff and they're really joyful for him too. My visiting family is among them. After all, Elliott's really good with creating paper planes. I can see Little Ben so amazed too!

Then, Christian stops spreading, his arms still outstretching, but this time asking me to join him.

I run fast to him and he wraps his arms around me from behind. There we are surrounded by millions and millions of paper planes and they're everywhere.

"Thank you, Anastasia. Thank you so much!" He kisses my cheeks as we spend a few more minutes watching the colourful flying planes.

I turn around to face him.

"Happy birthday," I say as I press my face against his chest but not that close that he couldn't understand what I'm about to say.

"I love you, Christian. I have fallen in love you."

The truth comes out.

 **Author's Note: Thank you so much for your response last chapter. It's impossible to have ten million airplanes fly across the sky so what did Ana do? She improvised. Thank you!**

 **Reviews?**

 **Margo.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Author's Note below.**

 **Chapter 23**

 **Notebook**

That was it. I told him I loved him and all he did was look at me in the eye for one long minute and regained his focus on the flying paper planes. We went home and he went to his "own space". I was beyond shattered. The thought of him feeling the same way hurt, but it hurt even more when I realized that he's just holding back. You know you have a chance but that chance can't get through the obstacle.

Now, he's staying in his office and I'm here at home just finished my last minute film review. I knew that he was so scared of what I said that he didn't want to come home anymore. Here I was, pacing back and forth, waiting for him. Hard as I try I can't bring myself to regret the confession for him. It's the truth and it set me free.

The house is so big and being alone causes so much boredom. Yes, I have a job now and it makes me less bored. It's just that tonight's different because he's not here. I have grown accustomed to his arms wrapped around me when we sleep. I love feeling his heartbeat against his naked chest. I just want him to come home.

Then, I did what I never did before. I went inside his own space.

My space is a media room filled with movies and posters. There are also toys and plushies of animated characters. He only goes inside when I ask him to watch a movie with me. Regarding his space, he's never invited me in. It's like _Beauty and the Beast_. It seems like he has an illuminating rose hidden in that room.

I twist the doorknob open and as expected, there are piles of history books and a shelf of books about aviation. They are all dusted. I move around the room and it's very gloomy. The curtains make it feel like the 1800's when alleged vampires around. There are pictures of airplanes everywhere. I notice a top gun. Okay, let me put my disclaimer here. I know nothing about planes. I can only identify that it's a top gun because of that famous Tom Cruise movie.

There's a desk in the middle of the room and it's very clean as expected from Christian. There's also a quill which transports me back to an older era. I rest my back against the comfortable chair and I spin it around until I get dizzy. I check the clock on the wall and it's fifteen minutes past twelve midnight.

He's still not here.

Then, I start blaming myself. What have I done? If only I learned how to restrain my emotions then this wouldn't have happened. Then again, the reasonable part of me said that I needed to do that. At least when time comes, I won't have to regret anything at all. I became true to myself. It doesn't matter if he didn't respond the way I wanted him to.

I yawn and almost head to the room to get some sleep but a black notebook gets my attention. It's so thick and it's very old. I open one page and it says that it's Christian's journal. I skim page per page and realize that he doesn't write regularly. Maybe he only writes when important things happen in his life?

The pages are brown indicating that time has passed by and the smell of it is like an old fashioned perfume. I am quite shocked that he's keeping a diary since it is very old school. But then again, Christian is an old soul so the thought of him writing in a journal is not that shocking, I guess.

I really don't mean to read one since I understand that it's his privacy but I happen to stumble one page since an old photo is tucked in there. It's a photo of a very much younger Christian. His face is so goofy and it's like life is all about playing games for him. His eyes are crossed and his tongue is sticking out. He is so far from the person he's now. I wish I could see how happy he was. I wish I could see it now.

Christian's on the left side of the photo. Beside him is a younger Leila whose face is covered in pinkish blush as a boy of their age kisses her cheek. I look closely and realize that it's Jack. From the looks of it, they were the golden trio. It's weird to compare but it's like Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They just look jubilant but it all went downhill.

I aim to put the photo back to its position but I notice my name in the page where the photo's supposed to be in. I place the photo on the table as I read the whole page. It's dated almost eight years ago. I was only seventeen during this time. I don't let my conscience rule me as I read Christian's entry.

 _November 20, 2009_

 _I kissed her. I kissed Anastasia for the first time._

 _I don't know what happened. What minute I was looking at her and next I was kissing her. I can't fathom how I'm feeling right now. I just can't._

 _You see, she wasn't sober. Mia threw this party since Carrick and Grace are in Maldives for a business trip. It's Thanksgiving week so I came home from work. As expected, Mia's there with her best friend, Ana. She's so beautiful and it's a challenge keeping my eyes off of her face. I know that she's far from perfect but there's just something in her that just draws me in—ever since the day I opened the door for her. I thought of peace the first time I saw her. Her eyes are so blue and it's the kind of color a sky should have everyday._

 _What happened was that during this party, Mia was socializing with all of her other friends while Ana stayed on the side unnoticed. I can sense that she's feeling out of place. I actually decided to go upstairs and read but I just want to make sure she's okay. A part of me wished to spend time with her and talk but the smarter part of me knew that that wasn't a good idea._

 _I spent a few hours observing Ana from afar. I counted all the red cups she drank. Her eyes were throwing daggers on Mia. It's pretty obvious that she's jealous of my sister and I will never understand her for that. Then, I became very nervous when Ana began dancing with a muscular boy about her age. I held back as they danced to the upbeat song but when he touched her butt, I couldn't hold it any longer._

 _Standing up, I grabbed Ana away from him and led her upstairs. She was very drunk. She kept muttering how Mia is the luckiest girl in the world and she is not. She kept saying how she wanted everything Mia has. I didn't listen to her. I brought her to my room and laid her on the bed like a helpless baby. She was crying. Tears streamed down her face like waterfalls. Damn! She's still beautiful even she cries._

 _Her eyes were already half-closed and I waited for her to fall asleep. However, I got so distracted when her hand wrapped around mine. I interlocked my fingers with her, filling the gaps in between. That's when I lost control. I leaned in slowly to kiss her on the lips. It was an innocent kiss but it was enough to make me realize that I am in love with her. As I pulled away, she fell asleep and I smiled a little at that. I kissed her on the forehead and swore that that was the last time I'll ever get that close to her._

 _It was wrong. I'm twenty-seven and she's seventeen. She wasn't even sober! It's very wrong but why do I feel like after nine years since Jack's death I have done something right?_

 _Here I am, Notebook. Here I am writing to you again. I made the correct decision of staying away and I will keep it that way. In the meanwhile, let me imagine._

 _In another life, I will be a businessman with the company, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. and I will do that while sketching in my leisure. I will date Anastasia with the permission of Mia and I'm pretty sure she'll fall in love with me too. Jack is alive and well, living as a pilot and a great husband to Leila and father to Jaclyn. Ned has received therapy and he'll forgive me for being cruel to him in high school. He's alive and mentally well. All is well as after all, it's only an imagination._

 _Anyway, I have to do two things. First, focus on being a pilot and second, forget Anastasia._

"What are you doing?!"

Before I could even recover from the revelation I discovered myself, Christian stood there looking like he carried the world's weight on his shoulders. He was extremely haggard and his white shirt has a coffee stain. He marched all across the room and stole the black notebook from my grasp almost too violently.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He's screaming so loud yet I don't flinch.

"You are in love with me," I say incredulously.

All he could do was glare and he wasn't denying it! I know it's immature but I can't help but feel elated knowing that it's been confirmed that he feels the same way about me. What I need to work on is to thaw that ice cold heart of his.

"Christian, you are in love with me," I repeat still in awe.

He acts as though he hasn't heard anything I just said, "Didn't I tell you not to come inside? Didn't I tell you to step away from this room?!"

"Christian . . ." I reach out to touch him but he brushes my arm away.

"Tell me, Anastasia, what gave you the right to go through my stuff?!"

"Chr-Christian . . ."

"ANSWER ME!" He screamed and I am finally shaken.

Tears begin to spring free as I confess wholeheartedly, "I love you, Christian. I know that you have been dodging my confession since yesterday but you can't get away from it now. I know now that you feel the same way about me. You have always felt the same way about me."

He rolls his eyes and his skin turned dramatically red. His veins are visible making it clear that he's on the verge of anger.

Still I continue, "It's time for you to let go, Christian. I am here for you to love you no matter how things turn out. I love you so much that I want you to stop punishing yourself. You deserve so much more than this. What you need to realize that it's only you who feels this way. Leila and Jaclyn are not even mad at you. In fact, they love you a lot."

That's when his eyes flickered in the strongest form of anger. Then, my lips begin to quiver followed by my whole body. I realized what I just did.

"How did you know them? HOW DID YOU KNOW THEM?"

"I am so sorry, Christian but I went to Sofia and they were there and . . . I am sorry." I couldn't even find my voice anymore. He was really angry. I expected him to destroy every piece of furniture in his space. Instead, he was calm but at his most venomous.

"What gave you the right to interfere, Anastasia? What gave you the right to meddle in my life? Have you forgotten that you are only my wife by paper? Have you forgotten that you may be my wife but you are not my partner? You need to realize this so you would learn your lesson. You think you know so much and you always think that you are right and maybe that's why no one can stand you. That's why nobody likes you. You always overestimate your worth when you're nothing special."

That's when I began to sob and he didn't even care.

Even worse, he continued, "You're lucky that it's me who you got married to. If it were another rich man then who would've physically abused your gold digging body."

I slapped him so hard and he was frozen.

"How could you? All I ever did was love you," I choked before walking out of his precious little room and locked myself in one of the guestrooms.

The words . . . they were beyond cruel. I didn't expect that from him. I cried to my pillow until I fell asleep, not knowing that the worst is yet to come.

_O_

I woke up uncomfortably and my eyes were swollen from all the crying. I remembered the words Christian uttered last night and winced. The ache I felt was still fresh in my heart and I almost felt numb after all of those harsh words released.

Looking at the mirror, I see the mess I've become. I pull my hair up for a very messy ponytail. I check my phone afterwards and they're all messages claiming that I've gone MIA on work and Big Boss is going to kill me. Somehow, I don't seem to care at all. It seems like every bone in my body has finally cracked at its worst and there's nothing I can do but fall apart.

I head downstairs and I immediately stop on my track as I see a suitcase. It's not big enough for all of my stuffs to fit but technically, they're not my stuff, right? They all came from Christian. My initial reaction, of course, is loss. There is an overwhelming urge to cry again but I force myself not to. I've been swallowing my pride too much and I deserve more.

Christian looks restless.

I take the final step down the stairs and say, "This is your way of divorcing me, huh?"

"Ana . . ." He was different compared to the Christian who hurt me last night—the Christian who made me feel how low I have attained in life. He's acting so concerned now. I am afraid I've grown sick of his push and pull.

"Go ahead, let me go," I tell what's not in my heart.

Then, he grabs my hand and begins, "About last night—"

I quickly get my hands from his almost feeling disgusted.

"Of course, you want to remind me about my last night," my laughter's filled with sarcasm.

He shook his head and I almost believed the guilt in his eyes, "Ana, I am—"

"Save it, Christian. I will leave this house as you ordered. You even packed for me!" My eyes dart to behind him and I notice another suitcase. "Two suitcases, huh?"

"That's mine," he says and suddenly I get very confused.

"What are you saying?"

"Your siblings called me today and they're waiting in the private plane I've arranged."

"W-why?"

"We're going to Kansas."

I brace myself for the real worst thing.

"Carla's dying. Your mother is dying."

The world fell apart even further.

 **Yeah, I know, he is mean here.**

 **Thank you!**

 **What do you think of this chap?**

 **Margo.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 24**

 **Mom**

I have never been so down like this before. I can't even imagine that this happening. How can the world beat me all at once? First, Christian made it clear that he didn't want to admit his feelings and that he wanted to be miserable. He wouldn't even fight for me. Second, my mother's dying. How could I have never known of this?

During the ride in the private jet, I keep pacing back and forth. My knees level my chest and I wrap my arms around them. Elliott and Elizabeth are sitting across me while Little Ben marvels the sight of the clouds outside the window.

"How could you not tell me about this?"

Elliott answers, "We really wanted to tell you, Ana. We're really sorry."

"Well, why didn't you?" I don't take foggy answers.

Elizabeth answers this one for me, "When Mom had her first attack, we wanted nothing more but to tell you. Mom stopped us, Ana. She said that for once in your life, she is not a burden anymore. She knows how happy you are with Christian and she doesn't want to cause you any more unhappiness. We don't want her to be unhappy so we obeyed."

That makes me cry. That really hurts me. You know how this makes me feel? It makes me feel like an awful daughter. So basically my mother didn't allow my brother and sister to tell me about her heart problem because she thinks she'll be my burden to carry. I can't even describe the level of disgust I feel for myself right now. I can see that Mom imagined how I'm going to react.

It's a movie scene that will always make me feel like the worst option alive.

We're in the hospital in Topeka, Kansas and the doctor just announced that my mother has Coronary Heart Disease and she's all crying helpless on her white bed while all I do is yell at her being sick. What makes me feel even worse is that in her imagination I might be wearing an animal print dress with million dollar jewelries. It hurts that she pictures me doing that to her.

Maybe she's thinking about how I am drowning in Christian's wealth while she's got her other foot stepped on the grave. I close my eyes trying to stop tears from coming.

I honestly don't blame my mother for thinking that way. What did Christian call me again? Gold digger. I guess he just proved himself right about that.

"So all this time you didn't tell me?"

My siblings shake their heads, "We are so sorry, Ana."

I am about to reply but Christian takes a seat right next to me and attempts to hold my hand. I quickly set space between the two of us, causing Elliott's and Elizabeth's face to show the expression of confusion. Both of them know that there's something wrong with the two of us as there is a lack of interaction.

Truth to be told, I don't expect anything from Christian at all. I don't expect things to be the same. What I only expect is that when we go home to New Jersey, the divorce papers will be ready. Of course, he's locked in his own misery and what can I do about that? He may love me but that love's not strong enough to beat his demons.

Knowing me, I am a woman of pride. I don't like my ego being trampled down. I hate it when that happens. What am I going to do after Kansas? We are going to have a divorce and I will be the one to initiate it. It's time that I stop swallowing my pride for him.

Christian doesn't give up, does he? He's the most insensitive human being that I know of. He reaches out to touch my hand once again and this time I lose it, not caring that my family is around, "Why do you want to touch me? Don't I have a gold digging body?"

He looks like I just gave him the best slap. He looks incredibly hurt and it usually makes me want to cheer for myself but now I feel hurt as well. The situation's only getting worse, isn't it?

I can see Elizabeth and Elliott looking more confused than they already are but I don't care about that. We're divorcing anyway.

To make matter worse, Ben exclaims, "You dig gold, Aunt Ana? Yehey!" Great. Just great.

_oOo_

There are two different cars as the jet plane lands and I can sense that my siblings can't stand the two of us anymore. They are more than eager to take the first car. Now I am left alone with my soon to be ex-husband.

"Ana, about last night—"

I cross my arms and laugh sarcastically, "You want to talk about last night. It makes you feel happy to remind me what happened last night, huh?"

"Will you let me finish?" He raises his voice impatiently.

"Go on then, suit yourself."

He takes a deep breath before his voice turns emotional, "Ana, I didn't mean what I said. Shit! I didn't mean it! I messed up big time and I am really sorry for it. I couldn't fathom how you must have felt when I uttered those words. Fuck! When I realized the weight of the words I've said, I wanted nothing but to beat myself up. I am so sorry, Ana. I really am sorry. I didn't mean it. I was just so angry at you that my vision's completely blocked out and tactlessness overruled me."

I give him a wry smile, "You still said those words, Christian."

"I am sorry!" He was crying out. I can sense the stress and his hair's becoming dishevelled. He only does that when he feels like he's losing the war and there's no other way to win.

I know him as much as I know myself. I could easily accept his apology and go on like his words last night never happened. I could definitely do that but that's not the bottomline here. The bottomline is that he won't reciprocate his love for me. He'll never do. I guess he does but what's the point of feeling something when you're not acting on it? I know that that's the issue here. If I accept his apology, how are things going to be? He'll pretend that I never confessed at all. I don't want it to be that way! I'd rather end things if that is the case.

Shaking my head, I focus on my mother's condition.

While the drive continues, I begin to realize that this is the reason why I can't talk to her and  
Dad each time I'm making a call. The excuses: tunnels, hunting, scavenging, and yoga? They're all lies. Maybe the truth to the whole thing is that she's been in the hospital but the bills . . . the bills . . . oh my goodness!

"Christian, how long have you known that my mother's sick?"

He's a deer caught in the headlights.

"Christian . . ." I prompt.

"Well . . ."

"ANSWER ME!"

"She got her first attack over three months ago and I paid for her treatment. The doctor was hopeless at first but your mother was hopeful. She told me that she will survive. She even told me that there's a person who had thirteen heart attacks in fifteen hours and still managed to survive. Of course, I didn't—"

"You went here without me?"

"Yes, Ana."

Another light bulb appears on top of my head, "Those business trips? Those business trips, huh? You went here in Kansas?!"

Christian guiltily nods.

I shake my head over and over again, "Why did you even keep this from me?"

"Ana, look, you have to understand this. When your mother got her first heart attack, your siblings made a promise not to tell you. They told me instead since they don't have enough resources for the finance needed. She won't allow me to help unless I promise not to tell you about it. Ana, I keep secrets because there are some things you don't understand but might help you out."

My blood is boiling and I can't help it. The car stops in front of the hospital.

"You know what, Christian? I went to see Sofia behind your back and met up with Leila and Jaclyn and I never told you about it. Why? 'I keep secrets because there are some things you don't understand that might help you out'. Are those words familiar, Christian? I assume that you think they are!

Look, you just did the same thing to me, okay? I have every right to know my mother's condition and although I understand your reason, it doesn't change the fact that you are a hypocrite! You are a hypocrite! You act like you own the world but the truth is, Christian, you don't love the world you own. You are not who you are. I almost thought that I know who you really are but last night? Those words you said? It occurred to me that I never knew you."

I don't even bother knowing how he'll react. I step out of the car and he follows after me with slow steps.

_oOo_

She used to be the most beautiful woman. She used to be the strongest woman I knew. I hated her but I loved her every time. Now, she's at her worst and the tears that have been threatening to fall have already fallen. There she is! There's my mom lying down the hospital bed with an IV attached to her skin. She's so pale and this isn't her. This is not my mother.

"Ana, what are you doing here?"

"Mom . . ." I cry out.

She starts crying too, "Ana, please don't. I don't want you to see me this way."

I sit down her bed and hold both of her hands. I want nothing more but for her to cradle me like a baby but she's so helpless now. Roles have been reversed. I have to be stronger one now.

"Mom, why didn't you tell me? Why?"

"Ana, my little baby, I didn't want you to know because you were so happy. I don't want to be the reason why you're sad again."

"No, Mom, no, no, no . . ." I shake my head over and over like a helpless child.

With all the strength that she can gather, her hand reaches out to wipe away my tears in such a slow pace. She says, "Ana, I am so sorry for everything I did. We were so hopeless. I didn't know what to do. All I can think of was borrow money. I had money managing issues and I am so sorry I made your life a living hell. You don't know how I want to turn back time and give you the life Mia has."

That makes this more unbearable than it already is.

"Mom, no, please stop saying that."

She ignores me, "Ana, I know that you have always wanted Mia's life and I cannot blame you. I am sorry for being luckless. Your father and I are so sorry that we can't give you the life you want to have. We should've tried harder. We should have."

I shake my head at that, "Mom, no, don't say that." It took time for me to realize but I told her, "I was happy with you, Mom. I was happy despite everything." I just let envy rule over me.

"I am sorry, Ana." Her apologies kill me.

"Yes, we are sorry, my baby," Dad says from behind me and later envelopes me in a hug.

There I am sandwiched in the scent of my parents and it never occurred to me that they were the world. I was made out of love and they strengthened me with their faith and positive outlook in life. I think of the fun games we have and the efforts for my birthday. I think of the times we hang out in the burger house when Dad makes some bucks. I think about the laughter and how we held on to each other despite the difficulties.

It never occurred to me that I already had every single thing I could ask for.

The materialism clouded it.

From my peripheral vision, I see Christian watching us with such a piercing gaze. If I lose my mother and if I lose him too, that's when I have nothing.

_oOo_

Elliott has to go to school and the same goes with Elizabeth. Mom insists that we should continue on our routine and not let her condition stop it. She just wants to see us live normally.

Regarding my mother's condition, she just had her second heart attack and she almost died because of that one. One more attack and the doctors are sure that she's no longer going to make it. I take time to assess my mother's health based on my observation. I close my eyes and wince as I realize how her blood pressure always rises. I never even bothered giving her massages when she says her body's aching from all the housekeeping works she has to do. What did I do? I blame her for ending up the way she is: unsuccessful and small.

What kind of daughter am I?

My Dad never stops watching over her. It's funny how I always mind their fights but I never mind how they make up. Despite the situation, they make it work. That's real life. It works because you make it work. I have failed to realize that there will always be a negative aspect in a relationship. Nothing's perfect. No one's perfect. My mother isn't. I certainly am not.

We're in a kiddie restaurant where Ben is getting all the food he wants. He's really hungry for lunch but Christian's spoiling him with all of these ice cream flavors. The walls are painted by animated cartoon posters and I could name each and every one of them. The normal me would jump up and down and tell Christian all about it but the 'me' right now wants nothing more but cry from time to time.

I eat my spaghetti vigorously.

"Uncle Christian, that's Buzz and Woody!"

"Yes, they are!" The two boys are looking at the Toy Story posters.

"I love that movie!"

"I love it too, so much," Christian seconds while taking a meaningful glance at me.

I shake my head. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I keep eating the spaghetti like a hungry cavewoman.

"Uncle Christian, can you help me with my spaghetti?"

I remember now that Ben's not really good when using a fork. He only uses a spoon when we're eating and it is Elliott's fault.

"Sure, no worries." Christian grabs the fork and twirls the spaghetti round and round as he serves it to Ben whose task is just to open his mouth. Christian's palm faces up as he places it below Ben's chin, making sure that in case the spaghetti falls off, he'll be able to catch it.

It's pretty normal but what gets my heart racing is when Christian makes sounds of the airplane each time he directs it Ben's mouth. Ben's laughter echoed in the restaurant but people don't seem to mind. In fact, they're all mumbling how cute Christian is to Ben. When the plate empties, Christian strokes Ben's hair and even gives him a fatherly kiss on the temple.

I know it's crazy to think this way especially since me and him are in a cold war right now but I start imagining Christian with our kids. I begin to wonder how our meals would be with a little kid around. I think about how we'll watch Toy Story. We'll buy our little boy the same white sneakers and each part of the pair would have mine and Christian's name.

But kids are out of the equation, right? This man? He will never want kids. He'll never do.

My heart drops down to my stomach once again.

The sight of my husband with our son? That's the realest thing I envy about Mia.

_oOo_

We are all gathered in the hospital room just talking about random stuffs. Mom is in a half-sitting position while Dad's right on her left side, holding her hand like she's going to be gone anytime. No, that's not a figurative language.

Christian and I sit next to each other on the small leather chair while Elizabeth sits on the plastic chair with Ben on her lap. Elliott stands in the corner with his shoulder against the wall.

Elliott brings his guitar and we sing a song together for Mom. She has always loved 'How Deep is Your Love' especially since she was a 70's kid. She memorizes the lyrics and it turns out we've sang the song for a total of seven times today.

After all the laughter and the jokes, seriousness enfolds.

Mom clears her throat and with her sickly voice she says, "I do have wishes for you all."

It sounds like she's saying goodbye. We're all feeling emotional but we don't let it overwhelm us. This is the truth. She's leaving anytime. There's no sugarcoating it.

"My husband, Ray, I wish that you stay as you are. You have always been so positive and if a new love comes along then welcome her, okay? Your heart's too big that it has space for another one. I know this sounds weird but I just want you to be happy after me."

She looks at my older brother, "Elliott, I want you to be the great architect that you can be. I want you to build a house. I want you to build the Airplane designed treehouse Ben has been asking for. Most of all, I want you to find the girl for you. You deserve to have a second chance at love. Trust me, my son, there's someone out there who will love you and Ben."

She eyes my sister, "Little Ben, Nana wishes you to fly your own airplane one day. One day Big Ben will go to Big Ben with his own aircraft."

Now to Elizabeth, "Elizabeth, I wish you'll become less materialistic. I want you to know that they're just materials, okay? The things that matter most are not them but family and love. If someone comes along, make sure Dad makes a background check first, okay?"

"Ana and Christian?"

I brace myself for it.

"I wish nothing but for you to be happy and someday have a baby."

I don't know what to say about that. That's impossible. I already told—

Christian interrupts my thoughts when he says, "We promise, Carla. We promise."

He sounds convincing but he's just saying that because he feels pity for my mother and me.

The next day Mom had her third attack and I always knew this day would come but it still felt unreal . . . Mom is gone.

 **OH. MY. GOODNESS. Guyssss? Really? You made my day with your awesome feedbacks. Thank you so much for the love and support this fanfiction has received.**

 **Margo.**


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 25**

 **New**

I want to curse the sky for staying sunny. How can the weather be in a good mood when we're in grief? I am not surprised at all though. It has always been like this. The world is raining when I'm happy and it is sunny when I'm sad.

Standing before a full length mirror, I am dressed in a black dress. I don't know how long I've been staring at my reflection. My eyes are swollen from crying and my throat is too dry from crying out. My hands hold white flowers and another tear purges out of my eyes when I realize that I've never given my mother flowers when she was still alive. She received from Ben and my siblings but never from me. I feel like shit. In fact, I'm worse than shit.

When we were in Amsterdam, Christian and I had a tour in Anne Frank's home and he knew everything about her. I could say that he studied her diary. No, he analyzed it. Among all the words Christian said, this one describes what I feel right now. Christian taught me one of the famous quotes by Anne Frank. She said, "Dead people receive more flowers from the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude."

I am back to being a wreck.

To make my feelings worse, I get my necklace from my pocket and gaze at it for a long time. Its lace is colored in silver and the pendant is a letter A. I had this one when I was a seventeen year old girl but I only wore it once. I know it broke my mother's heart.

" _Anastasia, dear, look what I got for you."_

 _Mom is too excited as soon as she enters the door of this cursed apartment. I roll my eyes at that. How can she be happy after washing too many clothes for rich people? If I were her, I'd be drowning in jealousy. Well, that's my mother; she never dares to dream big. Well, never ever!_

" _What's that, Mom?" I ask._

 _She sits right next to me on our close to broken couch. The level of her energy is very high as soon as she gets the necklace from her pocket. She gets even more energetic when I start to jump up and down excitedly. I know that it's not real silver but the necklace is beautiful! And it has a letter A on it! This necklace is really for me._

" _Oh my gosh, Mom! Oh my gosh!"_

" _Do you like it, Dear?"_

" _I love it!" I can sense that she's struggling as she places the necklace around my neck. As soon as the locks have met, I wear it like a necklace model. I don't have the best neck out there but I can rock this look!_

" _I am so happy that you love it," Mom acts like she has won the lottery because this got me so impressed._

" _I love you, Mom," I say the words I rarely say._

 _She kisses me on the cheek and we talk about the necklace. Mom says she's been earning for it and yes, Elizabeth is jealous but Mom makes a promise that she'll have one too. I can see Elizabeth giving me that cold look but she has to wait for her necklace._

 _The next day, I plan to tell Mia all about the necklace but as expected, Mia will have all the things I'll never have. If I have that something, she has the better version. Ironically, her parents gave her a real gold necklace and everyone's looking at it as if they just witnessed a miracle happen. Mia keeps on talking about her necklace and how its "historically relevant". I don't know what that means but all I know is that no one will care about this necklace I wear._

 _I stop wearing the necklace. It turns out Mia will always have it better._

 _After three weeks when my mother cleaned up my room, she sees the necklace tossed to the side along with the worn clothes ready to be washed. I can see that she's hurt but I am hurting even more. It seems like everything I have is never good enough. Why can't she make things good enough for me?_

" _Ana, why aren't you wearing your necklace anymore?"_

 _I roll my eyes, "Don't ask me about that."_

 _She raises her voice, "I am asking you a question!"_

" _I won't answer," I am being stubborn._

" _Answer me!" It's a demand._

" _Why would I wear something fake? It's not even real, Mom! I am never going to wear that again!" I yell before lying down my bed. She looks like I've slapped her across the face and a part of me wants to apologize but a part of me claims that this is the right thing to do. She has to know that as a mother, she's not doing her duties for her child._

" _If that's what you want then okay," she says before wiping a tear that escaped from her eye. She puts the necklace inside my drawer and it hasn't been touched since then._

I put the flowers aside as I attempt to clasp the necklace. My fingers are shaking so badly and I just can't seem to do it right. I am about to give up. I am about to break down. I can't even clasp it together. Is Mom not allowing me to wear it anymore?

Just when I'm about to throw it aside and yell at how I am the worst daughter that ever existed, Christian's reflection appears in the mirror. He takes a few steps closer to me. His black suit makes him look like he's going to a fashion show and not to a funeral. He moves closer and closer until he stands behind me and there's no space between our bodies. Our eyes are locked together in the mirror. He's feeling the pain for me. I can see it.

I feel more pity with myself.

"Let me do that for you," he says before getting the grip of the necklace and clasping it for me. He even arranges my hair so they can fall to the right place.

It feels so surreal seeing myself wear this necklace again. I never thought that this day would come. Back then I'd say that this necklace is nothing special. It's not even real silver. Its quality will never be impressive but right now? It's the most priceless possession I ever have.

Christian wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder. No, we're not okay but I don't have the strength to push him away. My pride has lost its armor as I let myself admit that I need him right now. He's the one I need the most. How can a man who thinks that he's weak could be my biggest source of strength. Isn't that how life is supposed to be? No matter how broken you are, you're the only one who can carry the weight carried by others.

I turn around slowly and our forehead rests together.

"I am sorry," he whispers. I don't know what he means by that. I think he means that he's sorry for my loss. It could mean that he's sorry for the big fight we're going through. It could be that he's sorry because he couldn't let himself love me the same way I love him. It could be all of the above.

I am about to say something but a knock on the door interrupts us. Dad who is wearing his black collared shirt tells us that it's time so Christian and I break free from each other's grasp. I get the flowers and find myself in the arms of the man I loved first—my father.

_oOo_

As we walk down the cemetery, Elizabeth's crying has gone out of control. Since my mother died, she has kept it all inside. She hasn't shed a single tear. That's how the two of us differ. I have a habit of combusting at the exact minute while Elizabeth holds it all in for as long as she could and then she bursts out when she reaches her boiling point.

Dad is holding her while Ben seems confused about everything. Of course, he knows that Nana's not going to be around any longer but the innocence makes him composed. Elliott, on the other hand, is staying strong.

Me? I am holding hands with Christian as another memory- a very recent one has popped into my mind.

 _We have been here in Kansas for five days now and I have never left the hospital except when Ben needs to eat for some kiddie meal. Mom is watching TV while I sit right next to her. It fascinates me how she gets so happy when she gets to watch TV shows with clear reception. Then again, we grew up with no TV until I've reached the age of fourteen._

 _I remember how Mom skipped like a child when my father brought home TV. It was blurry at first but Dad did his very best to fix it and Mom becomes very happy._

" _Mom?"_

" _Hmmm?"_

" _I am really sorry . . . for everything," I am losing my voice._

 _She gives me a smile before saying, "Didn't I tell you that I forgive you for everything you've done? I don't want to spend my days hearing you say sorry again and again. Let's be happy, Ana. Just let it go. I've learned to let it go." With her white hair and the way she says "Let It Go", it's like Queen Elsa from Frozen. That's Mom. She's a queen._

 _I wrap my arms around her and inhale her scent._

 _I break the rules again, "I am so sorry for looking at the bad aspect of your relationship with Dad."_

 _This time she doesn't get mad. She grabs the remote control and powers off the TV. She looks at me straight to the eye then tells me, "Before you get married, it's all about the love. It's all about the ideal of how you can make it through because of your love for each other. Then you grow old, you have children, and you have piles of bills and then you say that love is not enough. There are times when you are about to give up. I mean you heard me and your dad fight, right? You hear us calling out cruel names. Oh my goodness! It was awful! But Ana? What makes it up are the nights when you say sorry and you remind each other why you're here in the first place. Love may never be enough so that's why there should be hope and faith and respect and forgiveness and most of all, acceptance."_

 _I give her a smile then I guess that it's time I should be honest with her._

" _Mom, I'll never have that kind of marriage. Mom, Christian and I . . . it's not real." That's when I tell her everything. I tell her how I agreed to marrying him because of money. I tell her how he asked to marry me because he won't grow old alone but at the same time he won't invest emotions. It wasn't marriage. It was an arrangement. I tell her all about it and how does she react?_

 _She is not even surprised._

 _Mom holds my face with her fragile hands when she tells me, "I know you, Ana. I carried you for nine months in my stomach. I know you so well. When you and Christian showed up in our apartment and told us you're getting married, I instantly knew that it wasn't for love. But you know what? The way Christian looks at you? It's like you're the realest thing that has ever happened to him."_

 _I shake my head at that, "No, Mom . . ."_

 _She disagrees, "Ana, he had that look since he brought you home when you were drunk. Years ago in this party? You got drunk and I called over and over again so you would come home. Christian answered the call and he drove you to our apartment and he handed you over to your father's arms. Your father may have never noticed but I saw the way he looked at you that night. It's the same way he looks as you today like you're—"_

 _I finish Mom's sentence for her, "the realest thing that ever happened to him."_

 _She gives me a huge smile—so huge it can blow up my heart._

" _Ana?"_

" _Mom?"_

" _It will work out between the two of you."_

It's time for us to speak in front of our friends and families and I am quite surprised that I haven't been that emotional right now. Then, I slowly realize that it's me who thinks that the world is crashing down on her. The thing is we can't change the world but we can change ourselves and our mindset. I remember how I want the sky to cry with me but today? The sky is not mine. They are Mom's. I know somewhere she's happy and the way the sunlight hugs me with its arms is a proof.

I start my speech, "Hi! I thank you all for being here. My mother's a beautiful woman and she may not be perfect but she tried to be a good person for us. I am going to miss her a lot and I am going to have to get used to looking at my phone without her number. I have to tell myself that she's not here anymore. When I can't sleep, her scent is not going to be there. Well, that's life, right? I love my mother but things end, don't they? We'll all be gone. She just went first."

This time I straighten up my back and stop crying. For the first time since my mother died, I share a smile.

"Knowing Mom, she wouldn't let me talk about her all day. She wants to talk about the people she loves and so I will give my message to the following people:

Dad, you may not have been the luckiest and you know why? Because that's us: We are the luckiest because we have you. You make sure that there's this light inside our home even when things get rough. You've always been my strength. I may not be small anymore but I am still your baby girl.

For Elliott and Ben, you boys are the greatest. Mom loves you two and I do too. Juilliard? I will never regret giving it up. Whenever I feel like thinking how I wasted the opportunity to go there, I just look at both of you and realize that the sacrifice is all worth it. Ben, you fly high, okay? Nana will be very happy when you do. Elliott, do your thing? I love you the way you are.

Elizabeth, don't be like who I was. You're smarter than that. Go ahead and chase your dreams and travel the world and buy everything you want but always remember that it doesn't mean everything. Also, we've had moments when Mom gives me things and she doesn't give you one but I assure you she loves the two of us equally.

And Christian?" My voice cracks.

He looks at me with such strange emotions. At least he has emotions.

Here goes nothing.

"I love you so much. I really love you. I know you know that things are complicated and they're always changing but what I feel for you is constant. You are beautiful and I want nothing more than for you to know that. I love you so much that even though you're dressed in tattered jeans and faded shirt and we're living in an apartment with cockroaches and cobwebs and faded paintings on the wall. Even if you have nothing, you'll still be everything."

A tear slips out from his eyes. Whatever happens now, I won't regret anything.

The sunlight sprawls across the earth even wider this time and that's when I realize that I am new.

This is the new Ana.

A much better Ana.

And maybe, just maybe . . . An Ana strong enough to try to be without Christian.

 **Author's Note: One of my goals for this story is to have some sort of character development and I gotta say that I really loved writing this chapter.**

 **I read that you cried last chapter and I guess that's my fault. I am sorry but I am glad that you are feeling the story. I don't want you to cry but I don't know. It's like mixed emotions.**

 **THANK YOU!**

 **What do you think?**

 **Margo.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 26**

 **Crazy**

A week after my mother's funeral, things have gone back to the usual. We went back to New Jersey where I continue working while I go home and nobody's there. Christian's acting very distant as I have expected from him. After my eulogy, Christian resumed to being the businessman he is. But unlike before, he's not cold. He appears to be thinking so deeply. I don't know what he's thinking about and I am too tired to know.

If he doesn't want me then let it be. I think I deserve someone to fight for me the same way I would fight for him. As hard as it may seem, but I have come to a decision.

In terms of work, everyone has been sweet including Big Boss. When Mom was still in the hospital, the news company delivered flowers and being very humble, Mom appreciates the thoughtful gesture very much. What I'm doing now is I'm doubling my work for the two weeks that I have been absent. I am blessed enough that my articles are getting recognitions. Some of them even laugh at how "savage" my comments are, leaving no remorse for the filmmakers.

I am writing the latest movie review when someone knocks on my door. It's the delivery guy with my parcel. I stand to sign for it and as soon as he hands it over, I have never felt paper weigh so many pounds in my hands.

I let out a deep sigh before opening the brown envelope and slip the paper out of its mouth. I read the letters and they sure scream that me and Christian will be separated forever as soon as this is signed.

Well, that's it. This is how the marriage ends. Love is a game and the first one to fall is the loser. In that case, I have played that part. He has won since he doesn't feel any ounce of hurt for me. He sees me more as a weapon who can hurt him and that's not my fault at all. What happens to me after the divorce? I'll be doing better in writing my response to movies. I am actually thinking of taking up arts journalism for college. I'll be going back in honor of my newly discovered dreams.

"Yo Ana!" Jose enters my office room without even knocking.

"Hello Jose," I say too formally.

There's a huge smile when he says, "I have an announcement for you!"

"What's that?"

He shows me what's in his hands which he has been hiding behind his back all this time. It's a kitten and it's surprisingly cute. She's orange and she appears to be trembling. I close the door and instantly scold Jose.

"Jose, you know that animals are not allowed in the office. Big Boss is going to freak out when he sees that cat!"

He looks like I've hurt him. He covers the cat's ears as he says, "Don't ever tell him that he's unwanted! Cats have feelings too, you know."

I roll my eyes at that. I question, "Where did you get it?"

"Remember this game I watched this morning for my article? This kitten happens to be right there in the middle of the baseball court and I actually ran in the middle so the ball won't hit her. She's very beautiful, Ana, so I decided that I am going to take her here."

"You found her in a baseball game?" That's unusual.

"Yes, and she's out of my league! See what I did there?"

I give him a little smile at that. Jose just happens to be a very positive person and it's so nice to have someone like him the office. His jokes aren't really that funny but it's with his delivery. He makes sure that he puts that funny face on. The kitten then starts to meow and it's almost like she wants me to hold her. I extend my hands for her and there she is in my hands . . . and there goes the divorce papers on the ground.

"Jose, don't—" It's too late. He has already picked it up.

"Whoa! Is this your new article and what -" He stops in the middle of his sentence as he reads the content. This is the Jose I've never encountered before. Serious, that's what he is right now. Jose's brows are knitted together and I can sense that he really doesn't like it.

"What is going on, Anastasia?"

I close my eyes and ask him, "Let's go out?"

_oOo_

We are sitting outside the office's porch. The cat's sleeping on Jose's lap as he strokes its orange fur. I sit right next to him practically having that feeling that I am about to be interrogated.

"I don't mean to pry, Ana but why?"

I shake my head and say, "You wouldn't understand." There's no way in hell that I am going to tell him that this whole marriage is fraudulent. It's an arrangement and I'm sure Jose will think differently of me as soon as he knows. Christian called me a gold digger, right? I cannot seem to get past that. Maybe he's right. I was a gold digger.

"Yeah but you guys seem so in love. The two of you are like hashtag relationship goals."

"What makes you even say that?"

"For a start, he looks at you like he's very much in love. Then, he almost beat the shit out of me when he got so jealous. Also, he just loves you. Simple as that. This whole divorce thing is making me feel tragic. I swear that if the two of you break up then I will cease to believe in love."

I can't help but snort, "Jose, come on, you won't believe in love after we break up? Don't you think that's too extreme? Aren't you my friend? You are supposed to support me!"

"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say 'Yo Ana, go ahead and divorce Christian because you are going to be very happy'? No, Ana, there's no way I am going to say that to you."

"Why?"

He answers ordinarily, "Because that won't make you happy."

I shake my head and say, "This is unbelievable! Jose, I am the new Ana, okay? Old Ana is very shallow and materialistic while New Ana is unworldly and deep."

Jose proves to be smarter than he acts when tells me, "Hypothetically speaking, maybe Old Ana loved Christian for being Rich Christian. This New Ana? She loves Christian for being who he is. Ana, my friend and also my future sister-in-law, I just want you to be happy and I don't think being away from Christian is going to make that."

I let a tear escape from my eyes. "You surprise me, Jose, do you know that?"

"Of course, I know that. There is nothing Jose Rodriguez can't do," he says all too cockily.

I tease and laugh out loud, "Future sister-in-law, huh? You're gonna marry Elliott?"

"I am not gay, Ana. No offense to gay people because there's nothing wrong with being gay but I am not gay. I am actually going to marry Elizabeth!"

That makes me laugh louder, "Jose, Elizabeth's still in high school, okay? How old are you? You're twenty two? You're going to have to wait." I don't tell him that he's not Elizabeth's type.

"Why do you have that look?"

"What look?"

"You're thinking that it won't happen, huh? Give me some advice please. Tell me how to win Elizabeth's heart."

I simply tell him, "Be a member of One Direction."

His lips form a thin line and it's pretty obvious that he's growing impatient with me. He just lets it go and says, "I am Jose and I can do anything and I will wait for your sister."

"Yeah, whatever," It's pretty crazy how much he likes her.

"So uhm . . . you're really going to push this divorce through?"

Just like that we are back to our original topic. "Jose, I will. I am going to divorce Christian."

"That makes me sad, you know. I was raised by a single father because Mom divorced him. He cannot afford those clothes Mom wanted. She went off with an old dude and I haven't heard from her since. Well, Dad became a successful basketball coach and he always told me that no matter how hard the game is, you have to play it well. I smile all the time because that's how you should deal with life. You have to make it your own and do it happily.

It's different from your story, of course, but divorce just makes me sad."

I bump his shoulders with mine and say, "Getting emotional, huh?"

"Let's go back inside?"

"Great idea," I say.

_oOo_

 _After eating with Jaclyn and Leila, I went back to Sofia and she's playing with the piano now. She plays really well especially in her state. Talent can never be taken away so that's why I linger longer. The song she plays is very beautiful and I could tell that it's so familiar. I am not a fan of vintage music so I cannot point it._

 _Except for the attending nurse, we're the only ones in this room. I don't know what this room is called but I guess that this is mostly for leisure. Looking at the nurse's face, I can tell that she's touched by the music too._

" _Nurse, what's the name of the song?" It would be pointless to ask Sofia because she never talks. She acts as if I am invisible._

" _What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong," she says with such reverence._

 _Then, I remember why it's familiar. These are one of the songs Mia would sing! I almost jump up and down like a child who has figured how to put the puzzle pieces together. Right next to the piano, Sofia presses her fingers tenderly and I cannot help but sing the lyrics._

 _ **I see trees of green, red roses too.**_

 _ **I see them bloom for me and you.**_

 _ **And I think to myself,**_

" _ **What a wonderful world!"**_

 _That gets Sofia attention. She recognizes my presence for the very first time and that got me so excited. I continue singing the tender song even though my voice box is not that pretty. Sofia even gives me a smile and I return it._

 _As I sing the lyrics of the song, I realize how beautiful the world is even without the brand new phones and shining cars and big houses. I think of my family and I think of my husband._

 _ **The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky**_

 _ **Are also on the faces of people going by**_

 _ **I see friends shaking hands saying, "how do you do?"**_

 _ **They're really saying, "I love you."**_

 _As soon as the song finishes, Sofia claps her hands so fast like a kid in a birthday party. I give her a pat on the shoulder for being a great pianist. I tell her, "That's for my family, Sofia. And that's for Christian too."_

 _Her eyes go wide and my heart starts banging out of my chest. Oh no, I shouldn't have done that! She shouldn't hear Christian's name! I brace myself for her to act like a tornado in this room but she proves me wrong in the very best way._

" _Christian? That boy?"_

" _Yes? I am sorry for mention—"_

" _Good heart," she mumbles and that just melts me. "Good heart," she tells me again._

 _I am speechless. I am about to reply but reality bites._

 _Sofia scowls, "You're sitting on Jack!"_

 _Oh! I immediately stand and say, "Sorry Jack" to the thin air._

 _She resumes playing the piano._

_oOo_

This is it. This is the moment when I finally leave this marriage. It breaks my heart but I just need to do this one. I deserve so much more than Christian can give. I already informed him that I'll be waiting in our living room so he has to go home.

As soon as he enters the door, my heart roars. Seeing him makes me want to run to him and hug him and make love to him all night. I really love him but there's no hope for us.

My eyes spot the white paper he's holding and I can only see the back of it. As soon as he flips it, then it would be divorce papers too. I cannot help but laugh at how messy the two of us are. So we get married and say, "Let's go ahead and divorce because it's game over".

"Ana," he says my name softly as soon as he's standing for me.

"Christian."

"I need to tell you something."

"Me too and can I please go first?"

He nods and that's when I realize that it's becoming so real.

"I love you, Christian. I am sure that you're aware of that but I cannot spend the rest of my life letting you ignore that fact. I lost, Christian. I told myself that I won't feel anything for you but here I am feeling so weak and vulnerable because you have all of me. You will always have all of me. I know that deep inside you feel the same way but what can we do, huh? You don't want what you feel and I cannot do anything about that."

He looks hard as a statue now and that pisses me off even more. He's standing tall and beautiful with his black Armani suit and he looks perfectly fine. I want to scream at him and yell that he would regret this and he would want me back. I want to tell him that he can stop me and I will change my mind.

That will never happen.

I hand the divorce papers and he reads it meticulously before grabbing a fountain pen from his pocket. Just like that, he scribbles his signature and I have never felt so small. He would let me go that easily. I cannot believe it. Tears keep on coming and no matter how many times I wipe them away, they just keep on coming.

He throws the paper to the side and this time he becomes very emotional. His voice cracks, "May I speak now?"

I slowly nod.

"Anastasia, you are not a gold digger. You are not shallow. You are so much more than that. I was an asshole and that wasn't so kind of me. I am really sorry. You are not that. If you are a gold digger then you would've made your advancements to rich guys even before I met you again but that's not it, Ana. You've shown me the epitome of hard work. You chase your dreams and you kept pushing forward no matter how difficult life could get. You're headstrong and I admire you for that."

Then he gives me the paper that he's been holding and I don't see any point now. I mean he signed it already? Why would he want another set of divorce papers? Or maybe it's about the riches something?

I take it and when I turn to look at the content, my jaw hits the floor along with the paper. Christian bends to get it and put it back to my hands. It's a sketch of me in a beach and the wind's blowing my hair so wildly but I look so pretty.

He gives me a small smile when he admits, "Ana, you've had me the moment I opened the door for you. I told myself that it's not possible because you're my sister's friend and I couldn't be able to feel because of all the sins of my past. I deprive my attention but everything keeps on coming back to you. That was the first summer you spent with us. We went to the beach and all I can ever do is keep my eyes on you. You are so beautiful. It's not just with your face but it's with your strength. Yes, you weren't perfect and there was the jealousy with Mia but you just put me in awe, Ana. Nine years, Ana, nine years since Jack died and I have lost everything I ever wanted because I lived his dream.

You, beautiful girl, just brought out the artist in me that has been hiding for nine months."

No, he's making me expect again. He just divorced me, for heaven's sake and now this is happening?

"Christian, don't do this. We just got divorced and it's going to be finalized and—"

This time he pulls me close and wraps his arms around my torso. His grey eyes glimmer and his lips stretch in the biggest smile that he ever gave me. I hate to be hopeful but he looks like . . . he's almost free.

"We're divorced because we're starting over. This time it's going to be real. If you allow it, Ana. Please date me."

This is . . . CRAZY! It really is.

"Christian, if you want us to start over then let's stay married and—"

"Ana, that Christian you married, that's not what you deserve. The Christian right now wants to be a better man for you and he'll start with his first steps. Okay, I will stop speaking in third person now, and seriously, Ana, I want to be the best man for you. I want to give you my all. What I mean by all is not like before. My all is not those private jets and mansions and gardens and travels but my all that I can give you is my trust, my respect, and most of all, my love."

It's like the whole world starts now.

He finally says it.

"I love you, Ana. Please date me."

I cannot think of anything right now.

I just can't! My mind is all over the place.

First, we're friends that kiss that got married.

Then, we're married friends who sleep together.

And we're about to be . . . divorced couple who starts to date again but this time it's real?

"Ana?" He asks almost too anxiously.

I give him my answer by giving him my kiss.

This man just takes me to a crazy ride and this new chapter? I don't know what it will bring but I hope that he'll never let go of me.

 **Author's Note: Yes, it is really crazy.**

 **What's crazier is you guys! You just make my day with your responses. Thank you for reading my story. Your reactions are very overwhelming.**

 **I cannot thank you enough.**

 **What do you think?**

 **Margo.**


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 27**

 **Date**

We have been officially divorced and that means we're officially dating. It's pretty weird but Christian and I have never been normal in the first place. It's never normal to marry your friend, right? I guess we're just meant to be crazy.

Nobody's aware that we have been divorced and we'd like to keep it that way. I don't want anybody else to feast on our story. It is just for the two of us and we don't want anybody to intervene.

For tonight, Christian instructed me to dress as casually as I should and he even reminds me to not forget wearing our matching white sneakers with our names on its sole. The wind is kind of cold so I wear a jacket and he does the same too. I don't know what we are right now. We are a dating divorced couple staying under the same roof? Is that it? Who cares about what we are. What matters most is that we're trying to work it out.

"You ready?" He asks standing by the doorway.

I give him a nod and he offers his hand. I take it slowly savouring the moment my fingers are intertwined with his. He locks his fingers with mine in the tightest way but it's never suffocating. He opens the door and I'm quite surprise that there's no luxury car waiting.

"We're not taking the car?"

He confirms, "No, we're not. We're going to walk."

The streets are illuminated with shades of yellow and our romantic background music is the random shatters of hundreds of people walking past us. There's not a space between the two of us. His arms are wrapped around my back while I rest my cheek against his muscular shoulder. He kisses my temples from time to time and it just feels normal.

There's nothing grand. There isn't anything fancy but it just feels everything. We're passing by the pavements and we're mindless about the honking cabs. The moon above gives us the silver spotlight and I'm pretty sure paparazzis are taking snooping shots everywhere.

"Where are we going?" I ask after he tells me how tiring the day in his company was.

"We're going to the place where there are the best burgers in the world."

There are instant stars twinkling in my eyes. I skip like a little girl and all he does is laugh. While he lets out a wind chime laugh, I cannot help but look at his face. He's just so beautiful in every angle. His stubbles are growing his face is turning red from all the joy he's feeling. He's still the same beautiful Christian but now he's glowing. He's glowing even brighter than this city.

"Ana, why are you looking at me like that?"

I shake my head feeling a bit modest.

He shakes it off and asks, "How's the office? How's your old friend . . . Jose?"

I laugh at how bitter he sounds like when he utters his name.

"Christian, you don't have to feel jealous about him anymore, okay? He's asking my sister to be his girlfriend. Jose and me? That's pure friendship so if you want to be jealous, you have to be jealous with young Leonardo Di Caprio. He's pretty hot and I would easily replace you with him."

He rolls his eyes at that, "Really, huh? You would."

I stick my tongue out and reply, "No, of course, not! See? You are so serious!"

"Well, I am glad to hear Jose's not making advancements on you. Are you sure that he likes your sister and not you?" It's now my time to roll my eyes. He's really acting so jealous about Jose. I don't like it.

"Christian, he just surprised my sister by pretending that he's the new One Direction member. He bought all five lifesize cardboards of each members and sang "What Makes You Beautiful". That's right. He flew all the way to Kansas and did that to Elizabeth's high school."

He sinks all the information in and I'm pretty sure that just imagining it makes him cringe too. He shrugs and says, "Oh well, poor Elizabeth."

I ask him a playful question, "Would you do the same for me?"

He is taken aback, "Of course, not! Why would I do that?" It's really funny how Christian seems to puke at the idea of him joining a boyband.

"I like the Backstreet Boys so why not be one of them?"

He shakes his head and rebuts, "Boyband? Me? It's never going to happen. Who are the Backstreet Boys anyway?"

I gasp at that. That is not right at all! How can he not know my favourite band of all time? That's a total crime. I instantly break free from his comforting grasp feeling betrayed that he doesn't know who the Backstreet Boys are!

"Christian, how dare you?!"

He can't stop himself from laughing, "My goodness! You should see your face right now. You look like I just ruined the core of your existence. Of course, I know that band. I didn't live in a cave during the 90's so you can get over it now, okay?"

I don't seem convinced so I start singing, " _ **You are my fire! My one desire! Believe when I say that I want it that way**_!"

"Ana, stop, you are acting crazy!" He's flushing but I don't care. The song is too good to stop.

" _ **Tell me why! Ain't nothing but a heartache! Tell me why! Ain't nothing but a mistake! Tell me why . .**_ ." I sing the whole song and Christian just seems pretty embarrassed. I don't know but I like seeing him that way.

"Ana, people are looking!"

I shake my head and continue singing but this time it's another song, " _ **Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine, I'm leaving my life in your hands . . . I don't care who you are, what you did, where you've been as long as you love me!**_ "

"Crazy girl, shut up! You're ruining my night!" A random woman screams at me and this time I do stop acting like a crazy person in the streets. Christian, on the other hand, just guffaws by that sudden interruption. He shakes his head and just encircles his arms across my body again leading me to my favourite burger house.

We spend the whole night feeling like we've known each other our whole lives.

_oOo_

We walk home again after eating in the burger house and I have to say that Christian has improved. For starters he hasn't asked for a fork and knife. We just went on and ate the burger like normal peoples do. We laugh most of the time. This is a carefree version of him. I know that he hasn't faced all of his demons away but I am glad that this is a start for him.

Unlike before though, our topics don't range in movies alone. We are talking about music and it turns out that Christian really likes classic songs. He really has that same trait with Mia. Yes, I've heard him sing before and I can attest that it's great but not that great that he can win The Voice.

We walk home and I never realize how tired I am until we're back inside our living room and I am sprawling across our really fluffy sofa. Christian stands at the edge of the seat just staring at me like he's . . . I don't know . . . really in love? I don't know how to describe it.

"Why are you looking at me like that, Christian?"

"Like what?"

"Like you are so in love with me."

With a serene smile he says, "Because I am."

I don't know how to react like a lady to that. I grab a thru pillow to cover my face from blushing. I hear him laugh and this time I take a peek to see him sitting on the piano seat. Oh man! That piano gives me memories. Like really hot ones.

Christian's brows raise, "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"The piano memories?" I guess shyly.

"Yes, the piano memories," he grins.

I shake my head and this time I stand to walk across the room and sit right next to him. We're facing the black and white keys of the piano and there I say to him, "Christian, Sofia really plays the piano well."

I don't know how he's feeling when he says, "I know, Ana. She's the one who taught me."

My jaw meets the floor. "Are you sure? You know how to play the piano, Christian?!"

"What? So you think that this is just for display?"

"Yeah, I kinda think that this is just to blend well with the furniture."

He shakes his head and smiles, "You want me to play a song for you?"

"Really? A song dedicated for me?" My gosh! I have never been serenaded before!

Before he starts playing the song, he informs me, "Ana, I first heard this song a few months ago, not long after we left Amsterdam and I just thought that the whole lyrics refer to you."

"Okay?"

He really can play the piano! His long fingers flawlessly blend well with the keys and I have never heard about this song before but it sure has the touching feels in it. It really feels like it can crawl its way to my heart and I want to tear up with the beat. For the lyrics? I just want to brawl. Christian sings the song while looking at my blue eyes.

 _ **I'll tell the world, I'll sing the song**_

 _ **It's a better place since you came along**_

 _ **Since you came along**_

 _ **Your touch is sunlight through the trees**_

 _ **Your kisses are the ocean breeze**_

 _ **Everything's alright when you're with me**_

 _ **Ahhh, you're my favourite thing**_

 _ **Ahhh, all the love that you bring.**_

 _ **Well, it feels like I've opened my eyes again**_

 _ **And the colors are golden and bright again.**_

 _ **There's a song in my heart I feel like I belong.**_

 _ **It's a better place since you came along.**_

He sings the whole song and I can't stop the tears from coming. Aside from the melodious tune, I can feel every ounce of emotion Christian offers to me. It's the sincerest that he's been. When the song stops playing, I let my emotions overrule my actions. I press my hands on both of his cheeks and I kiss him ferociously.

The kiss escalates into something more and with that, he wraps my legs around his hips as he leads me all the way up to our bedroom.

_oOo_

The way we're exploring each other's skins is nothing like before. The two of us are taking our time and it just makes it feel more magical. He lays me down tenderly on the bed but the kiss doesn't match the tenderness. The two of us are aggressive. The way our tongues swirl makes me realize that this is a battle. He pulls out after a few minutes only to trail kisses down my body.

He takes off every piece of my clothing but now without leaving wet kisses. He unzips my jacket and pulls my t-shirt up. Then, he unclasps my bra, pulls down my pants, and tears my panties off. He never takes off my shoes but I don't complain.

I am breathless. His fingers tracing along my skin is electrifying.

He spreads my legs wide and slowly inserts one finger. He does it slowly and slowly as if I am the most fragile woman. I would normally ask him to go faster but our tempo is this. I feel the need to have it slow.

When I have reached my first orgasm, Christian reaches down to squeeze both of my breasts and giving each of my nipples sweet kisses. He kneels to take off the articles of clothing except for his shoes as well before he enters me in a very slow pace.

In and out, in and out, he fills me and I can't help but scream, "Christian!"

"Ana," he grunts.

He thrust in and out and I am surprised that the shoes aren't hurting his butt. My nails are practically digging into his skin but all he does is growl in pleasure. It's very slow and it's all consuming. The two of us are obviously taking our time. He slides in and out and in and out and I am just trapped in this nirvana he's creating with me.

Our mouths are pressed to each other but not that close. I mean, the tips our lips are touching and our mouths are open and the two of us are passing breaths. He slides into me completely stretching me and that's when the two of us came.

"I love you, Christian," I say.

"I love you too," he presses his lips to mine before sliding out and laying right next to me.

"That was . . . phenomenal!"

His hand is back to my center when he says, "Who says we're done?"

Before I know it, we're back to making love.

_oOo_

We lasted five rounds that night and each round is completely different. The first was slow and making love. The second was slow again but he was taking me from behind. The third was when I sat on him and we were moving fast. The fourth was the lazy round because he was spooning me when he suddenly entered and we were back at it. The last round? It was animalistic. We were completely wild!

Right now, the two of us are naked but with our white sneakers on. Sweat is glistening in our skin and in our hairstrands and we're just staring at each other like we have everything. We're two sweaty bodies on top of white duvets with matching white t-shirts with our names on its soles. This is the most intimate we've been.

His thumb does lazy circles around my cheek and I lean in to kiss it.

"Christian, what made you change your mind? I mean I am not complaining but what triggered you finally admit what you feel?"

He looks at me solemnly before saying, "Anastasia, I have been thinking ever since the day when we made me love—the day when I got jealous over Jose. I just realized how important you are and you have not become the girl I want. You have become the girl I need. No matter how many times I try to stop myself, it all comes back to you. I belong to you and there's nothing I can do to change that fact.

After Kansas, I decided to keep distance from you because I needed to meditate for a little bit. I spent most of my time alone and then I finally decided to spend some time with Sofia."

This time his voice quivers and I can't do anything else but soothe his back. He is showing so much vulnerability. He is crying out loud.

Throughout the sobs, I can make out the words he's saying, "I spent most of the time with her and she didn't hate me, Ana. She didn't! In fact, she recognized me and she was so joyful. She even played the piano for me and I sang the song for her. She hugged me like a koala and she was so clingy that I was so guilty for ever taking her son away from her.

I cried in front of her, Ana and she looked confused. I was on my knees. I told her all the things I have felt in a very long time. I even told her how I perceived myself. I told her how I was a son of a bitch for ruining her life. I expected her to yell but she just hugged me and kissed both of my cheeks. She keeps saying the word 'no' over and over and I just can't bring myself to believe in her. She doesn't even know that I am the one who caused her to be in that state.

Ana, you remember how she sees Jack beside her?"

"Of course," I even apologized for sitting on him on the piano seat.

"She told me what 'Jack' whispered into her ear. She told me that Jack is feeling sad because I am sad. She said Jack wants me to be happy. She says Jack forgives me so I have to forgive myself," he cries even louder and I just hold him still.

I don't how long I have held him for. He's finally screaming all of his anger. He's finally letting it all out. I don't have to but in. This is his time. After all the emotional breakdown, he isn't going to be the same anymore. He's going to be more open towards me and we're no longer going to be the couple with a wall in between.

It takes him hours to let it all out before he finally calms down and becomes tearless.

"Ana, I've quit therapy before because it made me feel weak but now I need it. I need to be better because of you. I will be better for you, Ana," he vows and I nod giving him full support with his therapy. That's the first step there. He needs professional help. What he carries is way beyond anyone else can. He just needs medical guidance for this.

I kiss him lightly on the lips before telling him what's in my heart, "Don't freak out, Christian but I want kids."

He immediately tenses. The hairs in his body turn up and his eyes are dilating. He is very shocked and I can tell that he's freaking out. I move closer to him and closed the space between us. I tangle our white sneakered feet together and calm him down before he even storms off.

"I want kids but not now. We will get there someday. I love you, Christian."

That lessens the tension. He nods in relief.

"I love you too, Ana."

"One day at a time?"

"One day at a time," and on to sixth round.

 **Author's Note: The song Christian played for Ana is called Better Place by Rachel Platten and it just fits them well. That song makes me cry too! Please do check it out!**

 **THANK YOU for being here.**

 **And . . . reviews?**

 **Margo.**


	28. Chapter 28

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 28**

 **Savior**

 _Two Months Later . . ._

"How was school, Ana?"

"It was actually nice," I actually have a lot of words to say but when I start saying words like statues or murals or paintings, that would pull the trigger in Christian's know-it-all personally. He just knows a lot about history. It's not that I don't want to learn historical lessons from him. It's just that if I let him talk, he'll talk unstoppably and I won't get to watch the movie anymore.

Big Boss said that it's classic movie week so I have to randomly choose classic movies and do a critique. This is the third one of the week and I chose _Casablanca_ , a romance film from 1942. I've watched this movie multiple times and I cry each and every time. This is like _The Notebook_ for those who lived in the era of black and white romance films. For now, I am not going to watch as a normal girl but I am going to watch to give criticism. There's a difference with that.

By studying Arts Journalism, I have come to learn that being human is so beautiful. What separates us from other beings is that we are able to form emotions and these emotions are expressed through art. It may be through sculpture or through song or through films; it's the conveying of emotions. I appreciated humans as I study. I think this is really for me.

I look at Christian right now and I can't help but feel so much more in love than I already am. We really have grown. It's been two months since we agreed to date and everyday he has shown me how he's changing. I love this man because he has proven to me that in every closed door there is another door waiting to be explored. He's also the proof that sometimes the plans we make for ourselves are denied not because they aren't good for us but because they aren't the best.

With that, I slam my mouth against Christian as hard as I can and he's surprised by that. It takes a while for him to respond but he has done so.

"What was that for?" He asks as soon as we pull away.

"For being the best plan I've never had," I sound cheesy it's awful.

He doesn't mind though. He kisses me again.

We're in my space watching the movie and it's pretty cozy sitting down the blood red cushion with Christian's arms wrapped around me. We are focusing on the movie and he yawns from time to time. He expresses how he wants this classic week to be over. It amazes me how Christian loves animated films. Deep inside him is a little kid and I adore him for that.

He's very supportive with my studying and my profession while I'm supportive of his therapy sessions. I don't really do the counselling with him but I spend my time in the waiting room and each time, his face seems bright. I don't get a chance to speak with Dr. Flynn since A LOT of people are waiting for him but I sure am grateful. Christian seems to feel better each time they have a talk. I am not surprised why Dr. Flynn has been hailed as the most sought after psychiatrist in America for ten years straight.

I rest my head against his solid hard chest as the ending credits roll. Tears slip out from my eyes and it's just so sad how things have ended this way for the two main characters. Well, this was 1942, right? Wasn't there a war when this movie was shown? Didn't they think that it's depressing to make people sadder than they are? I have to include that in my article!

Whoa! I sound like a serious journalist.

"Finally! It's over!" Christian says after his one hundredth yawn.

Being a huge fan of this extremely beautiful film, I was about to bombard him with words like "how could you not have a heart?" or "how can you feel sleepy after watching that?" but that didn't go as planned because my phone rings and I have no choice but answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hey Ana," Elizabeth says and I am about to go irritated again. She has been calling me seven days straight just because she can't make her mind up about Jose.

"What is it now? Jose is good. You should be together. Bu-bye!"

I almost hang up when she says, "Stop! Ana, stop! This is not about Jose, okay? I forgot to tell you something."

"What is that?"

_oOo_

It turns out Ethan and Mia had a weekend getaway in Kansas and they stopped by Mom's grave. Seriously, Elizabeth waited one week just to inform me about that?

As soon as I found out, my heart just melted. The first thing that I really thought of is that there is still hope for Mia and me. She still cares about my family and somehow that means everything. Elizabeth even mentioned that Mia treated my family for dinner and Ethan sang classical songs. I wished for nothing but to be there.

The old Ana would disregard Mia's actions but the new Ana says that there is still hope so why not try that hope? I am waiting for Mia in a Japanese restaurant. Christian was the one who talked to her about the meet up. I am not really matured so I needed guidance. Just like Christian's convincing powers, he manages to get Mia to agree.

Speaking of Mia, she just arrived and she gives me a little smile.

"Hi Mia!"

"Hi Ana!"

The two of us order our meal and as usual, she orders a lot of sushi. It's practically a whole platter and that's just for herself.

"So how's Kansas?"

"It was pretty fun," Mia replies.

This time, I get to really look at her. I see the dark shades ringing her eyes and some age lines forming. It turns out that she isn't really the perfect Mia I pictured her to be. In fact, she's very imperfect. Of all people, I am supposed to be the one to know that because I was her best friend. I knew that she could be a bit shallow, she got anxious for no reason, and she doesn't know how to spell "autumn". How could I ever think that she's perfect?

I tell her, "Mia, I would like to thank you for visiting my mother. Thank you also for the kindness that you extended to my family."

She smiles, "Oh, it's nothing, Ana. They're really amazing. Ben is such a sweetheart! He's a little pilot, isn't he? Marcus and him can be really good friends!"

I can sense that she's trying to take all of the negative energy out but we cannot escape from that. I take a deep breath and finally tell her what I've been hiding since the beginning of our friendship.

"Mia, I was always jealous of you."

She doesn't respond.

"Since we became friends, I just wanted nothing more than to be like you. You have everything I could ever ask for. It's like the whole world was made for you. You are pretty and you are rich and you can have anybody you want. You are _beyond_ a girl can ever ask for and I hated you a lot but I loved you. I don't know! I am just pure jealous of you! I mean yeah, you get my point, right? I wanted to be you."

She lets out a laugh and my brows furrow at that. How can she laugh in serious talks like this?

"Ana, can I tell you something?"

"What?"

Mia turns serious now, "I have been the one who is jealous of you."

"What?!" At that moment, the whole world just stopped. How can the great Mia Grey ever feel jealous about me? I have to pinch myself to make sure that this isn't just a dream. It's bound to be reality, right? Mia is really jealous of me! It's shocking! It's like finding out that Darth Vader is Luke's father in _Star Wars_!

"Ana, yes, I am rich but my parents aren't around like ninety five percent of the time. I did get the lead roles in our plays and I did join a lot of contests but they weren't there. I have a big brother but he lacks the warmth for a baby sister. I just needed to be the priority. I needed to feel like my parents are proud of me in everything I do. I need to have a sibling whom I can have fun jokes with or even fight with. After all, Christian's really boring. I just needed to be loved and to be first. I needed to be like _you_."

I can't help but think deeply about that.

After a long pause of just staring at each other, Mia gathers the vibrant energy around her and says, "Now that we've said everything, can we be friends again? This time, no jealousy allowed!"

"Of course," I confirm without telling her that I cannot comply the "no jealousy" policy. I am jealous of her for having a baby with the man she loves, but I don't need to tell her that.

Instead, we eat our Japanese meal while we talk about what we've missed out on. I never knew that she's really into crochet right now. She tells me all about the patterns and she goes Mathematician on me when she says she wants to find the algorithm in the crochet patterns. I don't know what she's talking about but okay. At least I know what crochet is.

She also listens to me when I talk about movie reviews. I tell her about classic films and Hollywood icons and she seems interested. Little did she know that I know that she doesn't really understand everything I'm saying. The truth is that's what makes people friends. We don't really fully understand each other but we try to.

We talk about a lot of things that we don't even notice that we've been chattering for four hours. We head out of the restaurant without breaking our conversation.

"Ethan's sister, Kate hasn't slept for two days because her boyfriend left her for another guy. I mean they've been together for four years and she gave way too much TMI."

"Like what?" Oh, this has got to be juicy!

"They've been dating for four years but they never had sex. It turns out he's really into guys."

I feel pity for this Kate, "Oh, poor girl."

Mia gives me a bright idea, "Why don't we set her up with Elliott?"

"Oh my gosh! Mia, YOU ARE A GENIUS!" I scream and jump because it's really amazing! She's so smart! She should do matchmaking while crocheting. That's going to be fun! I am getting so hyped about the thought of Elliott and Kate together! Wow!

I keep on squealing like a girl in a One Direction concert when an ice cream truck passes by and Mia orders two cones for us.

She tells the ice cream man, "Two strawberries one with sprinkles and one without."

Right then I knew that I have my Mia back.

_oOo_

" _Ana, come on. Why are you so silent? Stop acting like you're mute!"_

 _We're in the park with her brother and she just can't get why I want to stay quiet, huh? It goes like this: I rehearsed the whole night just to get the role of Aurora for our play while Mia does nothing to prepare. How come she has gotten the part while I only get to play one of the three fairies? I would've been speaking right now if I am Maleficent but no, it doesn't work that way. The world works on Mia's way and not mine._

" _Ana, come on! We didn't come here to the park just to walk Milkshake!"_

" _I am not in a mood," I say curtly._

 _Mia rolls her eyes. I understand her though. Her dog is too lazy to walk, her best friend refuses to talk, while her brother sits down just reading a book. I snicker haughtily at that. She deserves this for getting Aurora without working hard!_

 _Then, an ice cream truck passes by and Mia gasps, "This is exactly what you need."_

 _She runs to it and after a few minutes she comes back with two cones._

 _She hands one over to me, "Strawberry flavoured one with sprinkles and one without." Although I try not to, I still get it from her. She guffaws and sooner than later I join her._

 _This is so silly! I am supposed to be mad at her for being perfect! How can an ice cream change my mind?!_

" _Sometimes all you need is a little sprinkle."_

 _She's about to sit down when Milkshake smells the scent of a sausage from a passer-by. The poodle barks out loud and runs to that person. Mia immediately runs after her in total fiasco. It's so funny! Mia is doing better than most of the marathon players. I guess that's what dogs to you._

 _Mia leaves me with her brother and I don't mind. I can totally live a year ignoring his presence next to me. I almost lick my hair along with my ice cream because the wind just loves to antagonize my day. However, I only lick the ice cream because Christian grabs my hair._

 _He tenderly takes a grasp and I am breathless. There's definitely a spark between us. It's too strong to be denied._

" _Thank you," I whisper getting lost in his eyes._

" _Yeah," he mutters coldly and the sparks are gone._

_oOo_

It's one of those days when Christian needs to have therapy while I stay in the waiting area. Each time he comes out of the door, it's like the weight of his world gets lifted off his shoulders. I know that it's all about self-blame and self-hatred but I'm glad that it's slowly disappearing. Christian needs to love himself and I am glad he's finally let himself admit that he really needs this.

Unlike those days, the waiting room isn't full. It's just me and another girl. Christian steps out and greets me by kissing my forehead. He's supposed to say something when his phone rings and he goes to the corner to answer it.

Then, my attention is taken when Dr. Flynn emerges from the door with a very professional attitude. He's very polite with everybody. This time I stand to introduce myself to him.

"Dr. Flynn?"

"Yes?"

"I am Anastasia Rose Grey." Technically I am a Steele now but I will be a Grey again because we were . . . oh, never mind! It's a long story.

"I am Dr. John Flynn," he introduces himself like I don't know him.

"Yeah, uhm . . . I am Christian's wife."

"No, you're not his wife!" He says all too seriously.

Oh right, he knows everything about Christian. He probably knows that we're exes now who are dating and . . . oh, never mind!

Instead of saying anything I've ever expected, Dr. Flynn says, "You're his savior."

 **Author's Note: Guys, thank you so much for reading this chapter. What's left? Chapter 29, Chapter 30 and Epilogue!**

 **Please do stay with me until the end.**

 **What do you say about this chapter?**

 **Thank you.**

 **Margo.**


	29. Chapter 29

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 29**

 **Unfair**

 _One Month Later . . ._

Kate is definitely worth it. I just told Elliott that he can travel from Kansas all the way to New Jersey and it will all be worth it because of the girl he's going to date. Well, he isn't really interested about romance and if it weren't for Mom's wish for him, he wouldn't agree to this. It actually took a week for me to convince him that he could leave Ben with Dad and he won't earn a scratch.

"What is wrong, Kate?" Mia asks worryingly.

Since the day we renewed our friendship, we've been hanging out often. I get to learn that we're really different people from who we used to be. Unlike the worldly girl who strives to get an unreachable dream, I've become more practical. I am a schoolgirl with a reachable goal and that is to improve on my movie reviews. On the other hand, Mia is no longer the glamorous loud rich girl. In fact, I can compare her to Kate Middleton. She handles parenthood with such style. It is so crazy how she does that.

Back to what's going on right now, the two of us are really worried about Kate since she's shaking. She's too jittery and it's almost like it is judgement day when it really should be a date.

"Kate, tell us what's wrong," I encourage her with a soft voice.

Mia and I were the ones who styled her for tonight. She's wearing a bloody red dress and it makes her blonde hair glow livelier than it already is. She's too pretty but what destroys that? Lack of confidence. Confidence beats appearance all the time and we're honestly feeling bad for her.

"He's going to find me unappealing!"

"What? No! Look at you! How could you be unappealing?!" Mia exclaims.

Kate replies and this time her voice cracks, "Well, I never had sex with my ex for like the whole four years of being together!"

Oh boy, she's crying.

We try to console her but it's uncontrollable. We totally don't blame her. She just lost confidence all because of a man who refused to admit who he is in the first place.

She cried out, "One time he went to the Bahamas for a business trip and he was gone for three days! I surprised him by dressing up as a sexy nurse filled with blood and lit up gazillion candles inside the room. I just needed him physically! Then he came home and he looked confused. He kissed me and said, "Wow!" then fell asleep."

Oh no. This is too heart-breaking.

"Why didn't you leave him?" I ask.

"Because I thought he was saving himself for marriage but . . . yeah, he's gay. I was too stupid not to notice!"

Mia says, "No, you were just too in love to notice!"

Kate then retorts, "Hello? 'Stupid' and 'In-Love' are synonyms!"

I agree with that one.

All of a sudden, Elliott appears in his finest tux and he's thoughtful enough to bring white flowers. Kate sees him and she immediately stops crying. I can sense that there's already a spark! Oh my gosh! It's like Mia and I are watching a live movie before our eyes. The tears just went missing and Elliott looks like he got hit by Cupid's arrow! Wow!

"Hi! I am Elliott," he introduces himself.

"I am Kate," she replies.

He awkwardly hands her the flowers and I want to slap myself for this one. Kate's mascara smeared because of the tears. They're like black ink that managed to go out of her eyes. They look like scattered melted charcoals all over her cheeks!

Actually, that's what connected them unexpectedly, "You're sad?"

Kate is surprised at the two words Elliott asked but she is honest enough to say, "Yes."

"I am sad too," Elliott admits.

There's a moment of solemn silence between the two of them and Mia signals me to go out. Mia and I? Maybe we can be the world's greatest matchmakers.

_ooOoo_

Ethan turns twenty-seven and he proves to be a humble man when he chooses to celebrate by having a traditional dinner. It's just us, the Greys, and it just makes the moment very much special.

Carrick and Grace are still talking about the business they had in Saudi Arabia. Why haven't I noticed how they talk like this before? It's almost as if without their business, there would be no partnership. When it comes to their children, yes, they love them but it's certain that they're not a priority. Apparently, the jewels they wear are too blinding to really see the truth.

Christian sits right next to me and we share a look indicating how annoyed we are about the shoe business they're talking about. This is one thing I like with him. It's like we don't need to say words anymore. He can read my mind and I can read his. It's really awesome.

"I am too tired to hear about the shoe business, Christian!" I whisper in a manner that they won't hear.

Christian then cracks a joke, "I am not sure why they're so head over heels with the shoes."

I cannot help but to laugh at that one. That joke works for me.

"Congratulations, Christian! You just improved your humor! Oh no, Christian. Let me correct myself: you gained humor!"

"Ha-ha! Very funny!" He sounds like he's offended but he kisses me on the cheek anyway.

He has come so far. The Christian I knew would've been sitting still like a robot and won't even care that it's Ethan's birthday. This man beside me? This man I married and will marry again? I am very much proud of what he's become.

Mia puts a halt to the shoe topic by clinking the glass of water. She stands up with the gigantic smile and I know something is up.

"Ethan, my husband, happy birthday! Let me give you my special gift. Uhm . . . I am pregnant with our second child!" The room grows louder especially with Ethan's yells. Carrick and Grace are screaming too while me? I almost die out of jealousy.

I am sitting still, lips pursed at the sight of how happy they are. It's not the bad type of jealousy but the good one. I really wish that it could happen to me. Mia and Ethan sandwich Marcus as they marvel over the small miracle inside her tummy. They are a growing family and love is written all over their faces.

I cannot help but feel extremely jealous. I used to be the girl who wanted to have the world but what's the meaning of the world without having people you love? I do love Christian but I am pretty sure we'll be happier as soon as we have what they have. I just want kids and so far, the progress is moving like a snail. I am close to believing that Christian will never ever change his mind. I manage to let out a fake smile.

Glancing at Christian, he's gazing at me almost too guiltily and I don't know, I am just too emotional to read his emotions. I continue eating instead, after mumbling a small 'congratulations'.

_ooOoo_

"Ana, can we talk?" Christian's behind me. He's presumably in his pajamas. He's probably having a rough time at work and he needs to just let it all out.

"Did you have a hard time at TEA?" I only give him half of my attention since my focus is on the article I'm writing for one of our courses in Arts Journalism. After this article, I still have three more and also have seven movie reviews. Yes, I am busy but if he needs me, I'll be pretty much willing to give my time.

"No, it's not that," his voice unusually lacks confidence.

"Then, what is it?" I ask still typing.

"Let's have a baby," he blurts out getting one hundred percent of my attention. I spin my chair around and see him looking like a child. His eyes are on the ground and he's biting his lip nervously. Just by looking at him, I know he's not ready for what he asked.

"Why?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Christian, I am asking why you want us to have a baby."

He meets my eyes and he almost looks like he's so torned, "Ana, I love you and I will do everything for you. I've seen you so jealous of Mia when she announced that they're having their second child and that hurt me! I want you to be happy."

I shake my head again and again, "Is that it? You want us to have a child because I want it?"

He slowly nods, "I promise to give you everything, didn't I?"

I give him a small smile, "Christian, matters like these should be a two-way street. No, it should be an intersection! We have to agree on one thing. Having a baby should have both parties' desire. We have the privilege to plan out and I think this is very unfair!"

"What is unfair about this? I am giving you what you want!"

I don't want to raise my voice like did so I just tell him softly, "It is unfair to you, Christian. You clearly don't want a baby. Let me ask you, do you want this? Forget the fact about me. Think about you for once. Do you want to be a father?"

With hesitations, he finally shakes his head.

That's the time I stand and hug him so tight. I press my lips close to his ear and say, "I love you, Christian. You know that. I don't want to put you in a position you don't want to be in. Even though I want it, if you don't, then don't."

He hugs me back after a few minutes.

Yes, I want a child but I want his happiness even more.

_ooOoo_

That same night Christian and I lie naked underneath the sheets and while he's drawing imaginary lines on my bare stomach, I can't help but wonder why.

"Christian?"

"Hmm?"

"Why don't you want us to have a baby?"

He looks down and simply answers, "Because it would be unfair."

"How?" I just don't get it.

Christian proves to me that he hasn't fully recovered yet. He may be undergoing therapy but it's harder than what it may seem.

"Jack never got to see his daughter. He never even knew about her. It would be very unfair to him if I have a child. I don't think it's right for me to have a child."

In that moment, I see a side of him so tormented. I know that he's locked himself in his own prison of self-punishment. I want to scream. I want to yell! I want to get angry. I want to throw things. But, I don't feel any of that right now. What I feel is tenderness and acceptance that I am in love with a difficult man. I am in love with a man carrying tons of baggage. Despite all of that, I love him.

"Christian, I understand you but here's how I see it: life is unfair whichever angle. It's unfair how our dreams sometimes never go the way it plans. It's unfair how life screws us over when we have it all figured out. It's unfair how Ned killed Jack. It's unfair how he never met Jaclyn but even though he lived, life would still find ways to be unfair. It's not life without it. What I'm thinking is that it's more difficult for you because life isn't the only thing unfair to you but yourself is too. That's a load of burden to bear."

He takes it all in. It honestly looks like the words have pierced through his soul.

"But you know what?"

"What?"

"I'll bear your burdens with you."

This time he reaches out to touch my cheek and kiss me on the forehead. He then proceeds to bury his face on my chest. As it gets wet, I instantly know that he's crying.

"Christian, why are you crying?"

With a muffled voice he answers, "I didn't know what I did to have someone like you. I am so in love with you. I am very much in love with you."

I kiss the top of his head and that's when I finally come up with a decision.

"It's okay, Christian. It's okay. I love you with baby or without baby. I will be with you even if we don't have any children at all."

I expect him to thank me or anything but he just stays still. He neither agrees nor disagrees with that. Maybe he's changing his mind? Oh, forget about it!

Christian's with me. That's all that matters.

 **Author's Note: Hey guys! What do you think of this new chapter? Thank you to all of those who reviewed and read and favorited and fellowed. 29 chapters down. 2 to go!**

 **Anything to say?**

 **MY heart goes out to YOU!**

 **Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


	30. Chapter 30

**Author's Note below.**

 **Chapter 30**

 **Forgiven**

 _Six months later . . ._

Mia was already three months pregnant when she announced it during Ethan's birthday dinner celebration. Right now, Mia just gave birth to her second baby and it's a girl! I don't know why but I'm crying. I have a niece and she's beautiful. She's also very fragile as she rests on Ethan's arms.

"You are so gorgeous, my little Tamara," Ethan marvels non-stop. His eyes are still swollen from all of the crying.

They are a picture of a beautiful family. Mia lies down the hospital bed, beautiful despite the exhaustion. Ethan sits beside her while holding Tamara. On his left side is Marcus beaming over the light her little sister bestows in our family. I have been staring for them at a long time. For once, jealousy is not around. All I feel is pure happiness for my best friend and her growing family.

"Would you like to hold her, Christian?" Mia questions him. The two of us are standing in the corner holding hands.

Christian immediately shakes his head and says, "We don't want her to die, Mia so get her away from me."

Ethan laughs at his statement before standing up. He hands Tamara to a very fearful and hesitant Christian. His arms doubtfully extend as Ethan places the fragile newborn. Well, look at that! He knows how to carry a baby but he's just afraid. He starts rocking Tamara until she yawns. I look at Christian's face and his expression is unreadable. I cannot get into his thoughts. But my thoughts? They are all about the imagination of him and our baby.

"See? You've done it!" Mia exclaims.

"He's even good at it!" Ethan seconds.

Christian rolls his eyes and denies, "I told you that I didn't want her to die, right? If I didn't take her from you then she would've died as she would've landed on the floor."

Right, Christian. I shake my head.

Then, Christian's attention focuses back to our sleeping niece and she cradles her back and forth. This time, I join in. My fingers carefully trace her pinkish skin.

"You know what I'm thinking right now?" Ethan asks while carrying his first child this time.

"What?" I ask.

"You'll be great parents."

_ooOoo_

Work is like the usual. Big Boss informs me of the movies currently showing in theaters and gives me money to watch all of them on a scheduled day. Then, I will begin writing my articles. Also, he has scheduled me next week to give a review for a museum opening.

Right now? Life can't get any better. Wherever Mom is, I know she feels my happiness.

As I am outlining my new article, Jose knocks on my door and hands me the publication iPhone. Yeah, we have that one phone that we all use. Big Boss likes it this way and I don't even understand why.

"Who's this?" I mouth to Jose.

He just shrugs with a teasing smile. Okay, he knows who this is but he's just refusing to tell me.

"Hello, good morning. This is Anastasia from America Forever."

"Anastasia? Oh my goodness! Thank you! Thank you!" Her shouts almost deafen my ears. For some reason, she's really excited to meet me and that's very unusual.

"Uhm . . . who is this?"

"This is Candy Gloss, the star of the film you just reviewed? Oh my gosh! Anastasia, thank you so much! Because of your review, I just had at least ten offers from big studios."

To be honest, this has got to be one of the longest phone calls I have ever had in my life. In personal perspective, she's never really admirable. She's really noisy and self-absorbed. Candy Gloss is one of Hollywood's aspiring actress and unlike me in the past, she got a life-changing role in the movie called "The Circuit." She plays a beggar who turns into a hero because of rescuing animals from being electrified. In a professional perspective, she's very gifted. I even wonder why she only became famous now. She got her shot and I was the one who made it go farther.

"Amazing!" That's all I can say to her because honestly, this phone call has been going on for almost fifteen minutes but she still talks about why her name is Candy. Jose happens to be just as bored as I am because he lets out a yawn from time to time.

Thankfully, the conversation finally moves on to information that might be valuable to me. Among the ten offers from big studios, she chose the one where she could play a pig farmer turned popstar. Well, good for her!

"Uhm . . . Candy, you are so sweet but I need to go."

"Yeah, thank you so much!"

Finally the phone call is over and I hand the phone back to Jose who says, "So you understand now why Candy and I broke up?"

I laugh at that! Jose is such a huge joker when it comes to his looks and his girl magnet persona. It's no surprise how he links himself to different women. By the way, the romance with Elizabeth didn't go well. They dated but it didn't work out. Jose seems to be the type who won't settle down anyway.

My laughter fades when I notice the unusual seriousness in Jose's face.

"Wait, what?! Jose, Candy Gloss was your girlfriend?"

He nods and I immediately turn embarrass for ever thinking that he's too childish to have had a girlfriend.

I was supposed to reply when suddenly my phone rang and it's Gail. What could she need from me? As far as I know, our house is well-kept and I always manage it in a way that she won't have any inconvenience.

"Hello, Gail?"

"Ana? Oh, Ana . . ." Her sobbing voice accompanied with such horrifying news makes everything else freeze. Just when I thought that life couldn't be any better, it actually got worse. My phone hits the floor, breaking into multiple pieces.

"Ana, what's wrong?" Jose is instantly worried.

"Christian . . ." I sob.

_ooOoo_

Christian and Taylor were in an accident. I cannot move. I cannot even blink. All my thoughts consist of losing Christian and it cuts me to the core. The thought of losing him makes me want to drift away from this world. I keep gnawing my nails and tears are coming out relentlessly. All I can say is his name over and over.

Taking the initiative, Jose drives me to the hospital and he does it like a maniac. He's feeling just as worried as I am.

Sooner than later, we arrived in the same hospital where Mia gave birth just a few weeks ago. I run and run until the nurse from the information center tells me where my Christian is. I go there alongside Jose who makes sure that nothing bad happens to me too.

I let out a sob as soon as I've entered the door. There he is with bandages all over his body. He's unconscious while the doctor examines him. The Greys have finally arrived and they were crying. For once, Carrick and Grace were all about him and not their shoe empire. All of us are heartbroken to see him like this.

"D-doc, what happened?" I stutter.

She informs with a sympathetic voice, "Mrs. Grey, your husband was involved in a car accident. His driver, Taylor, is unconscious like him but the good news is there's no critical trauma so they will wake up. We'll just have to wait."

I let out a sigh of relief. All of her words come out in blur and since that day I do nothing but stay on his side until he wakes up.

_ooOoo_

The day later, Taylor woke up but Christian didn't. Yes, I am happy that he's awake but I want Christian to open his eyes too.

"Ana, I am so sorry. The car lost its friction and we bumped into a concrete wall. I am really sorry, Ana."

It's not his fault at all so I just give him a hug.

A lot of people came that day including Leila and Jaclyn who are very worried. The more people come to visit Christian, the more I realize the impact he has made on people's lives. How can he hate himself? His employees came including the janitors. They tell me how Christian thoughtfully greets them when he passes by.

I close my eyes and pray to God that he'll let Christian stay with me. He shouldn't say goodbye without knowing that he's a really great person. In fact, I am never ready to say goodbye when it comes to him.

_ooOoo_

I hold Christian's hand the entire night and after two days since the car accident, I wake up when his fingers interlace with mine. I look up to see his eyes open and staring at me. I blink twice. He seems like he's been staring at me for ages. I stand up to call the doctor but before I do, he stops me.

"Ana, don't . . ." His voice is hoarse.

"Christian, no . . . Christian?" Tears come out of nowhere from his eyes.

"ARE YOU IN PAIN?!" I am about to freak out and run outside of the hospital room despite his plea not to. Then, he utters three words that will change our lives forever.

"Jack forgave me," he cries.

"What?"

Despite the weakness, he explains, "Jack has forgiven me, Ana. I was just with him. I cried and I apologized. I really did. He just smiled and said that he has forgiven me for a long time."

"Christian . . ." I choke in complete disbelief.

"He even thanks me for taking care of Leila and their daughter," his already weak voice cracks in between.

"Oh, Christian."

He utters one more, "Jack has forgiven me."

I guess it means he forgave himself too.

 **Author's Note: I know I said that we only have one chapter and an epilogue to go but this just needs to be alone in a chapter. So, this is final. There is only chapter 31 and epilogue.**

 **What do you think?**

 **Also, a HUGE thank you because Seraphic Accident has been voted as top 5 in the FB page for FSOG fanfiction. I am over the moon, guys.**

 **Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


	31. Chapter 31

**Author's Note posted below.**

 **Chapter 31**

 **Three**

 _One two three_ . . . that's how my mother introduced me to numbers. Dad worked his bones in construction sites while Mom stayed at home to take care of Elliott and me. When I was five, I remember how Elliott got rushed to the hospital because of double pneumonia. Everything was such a chaos. It all became a blur though. Before I knew it, Elliott was treated.

I didn't know how but all I knew was when he got discharged, people have been knocking on our doors everyday and sometimes Mom said we don't have to answer the door. She told me it was "hide-and-seek".

It took me almost a decade to find out that Mom and Dad drowned in debt just so they can save Elliott's life. The people who knock are those who lay their palms open, waiting for the hard-earned money.

The situation was heart-breaking but what made it even more heart-breaking than it already was? I blamed Mom and Dad for being poor. I thought that if they weren't poor, Elliott would have been treated well without affecting our already unstable financial state.

I didn't hold on to the one two three's. I did the most horrible thing a daughter can do to her unfortunate parents: blame them for lacking luck. It's mortifying. I hated myself for it. What were those one two three's?

When I was seven years old, Dad always told me stories when the power's out. He would tell me that God decided to close his eyes for a while and that's why the whole world has to be in black and we have to have our own lights. I didn't know the truth that ours was the only house with no lights. Mom and Dad failed to pay the electric bill.

Nevertheless, I get distracted by my father's storytelling. He doesn't tell me those usual Disney fairytales. Instead, he tells me the story of his princess who happens to be me, of course.

He told me how he and Mom were so happy that I finally learned how to count from one to three. I was only two years old but I could utter the words clearly. They said that they were so happy that they bought me the ice cream I was pointing at. Since then, they bought me one cone of ice cream every single day in exchange of my one two three's which eventually became bigger set of numbers.

What I failed to know was that Dad skipped his lunch so that he could save some for my cone. When I found out about that, I only gained self-pity and not gratitude. How come I only appreciated that when Mom died? How come I only thanked Dad for it when we left the site of my mother's grave? If only I could turn back time, I would've held on to the one, two, three's and wished for nothing else.

All those regrets wash away with Christian's presence.

Ever since he got cured from the accident, he's been growing very busy with TEA and I really do miss him. At least, he spared his Saturdays for me. I don't know but he's been very hardworking four weeks after he got permission from the doctor that he could start working again.

There were weeks when Christian and I wouldn't see each other. I was starting to get worried but he does the romantic gestures by delivering some flowers to my office with matching movie quotes in a grand script. He sent one with my favourite quote from Jerry Maguire: _You had me at hello_.

I try not to think about why he's spending less time with me. I focus on my endeavors instead. I have never been this confident of my abilities. The backup goal went better than I ever imagined. In fact, going for college to study Arts Journalism was never part of the part of my plan. I guess life just has to be: knowing what's the next step instead of planning the entire stairs.

Suddenly, my questions about his often absence has been given answers.

I will never forget how Christian gave me a whole new set of one two three's.

 _ONE . . ._

It's Tuesday night and it means that I am very busy with both work and studies. However, when Christian emerges from the door, I don't have to think twice. I immediately stand and run to him as if we've never seen each other for a century. When I reach him, I wrap my legs around his hips and engulf him in my arms. I shower him kisses all over the surface of his beautiful face.

"Excited to see me, huh?"

"No, I'm not," I try to deny but there's no point at all. It's obvious that I really miss him a lot.

He kisses me passionately on the lips before setting back down the ground. Looking at him now, he looks really stressed out but happy. His suit is not ironed and his scruffs are growing. He's not the old Christian. He used to act like he is following a script. Now, he's carefree and that's more than I could ever ask for.

There's a smile curving in his eyes and they twinkle in delight. I can sense that he's really tired but he's very much fulfilled. I cannot ask for anything now that he's safe with me. Forget about wanting a baby. There's nothing to rush. What's important is he's alive and he's with me.

It takes me awhile to notice that he's been hiding something from me. Both of his hands are hidden on his back and I wonder why.

Before I could even answer, he instructs me, "Close your eyes, my love."

That is so strange but I do so.

After merely a second, he tells me, "Open them."

As my eyes slowly welcome the same colors I saw once before it shut, I see that he's holding out a copy of a business magazine. I slowly take it from him and my jaw drops upon reading the big texts. I cannot believe it. Oh my goodness! Tears spring free from my eyes! I have never been this happy in my life!

It says, "Christian Grey: Goodbye TEA, Hello GEHI"

Christian takes advantage of my lack of words when he explains, "I decided to let go of TEA and start the company I've always dreamed about before Jack's death. The new CEO of TEA is Leila and Jaclyn's so elated about that. In fact, I saw Leila just this morning in her Lady Boss mode and she's frightening! She's a boss material! On the other hand, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc. is standing strong in the middle of the city. Once you get inside the building, my sketches are placed all over the walls."

I can finally put it together now.

"So you haven't been around because you were busy with your new company!"

He nods in confirmation.

Then he asks, "Why are you crying?"

"I am just happy because your dreams came true," I answer after wiping my tears.

He makes me confused when he shakes his head and says, "No, Ana, my dreams haven't came true."

"What? How?"

He holds out his hand and I gradually take it. We get out of our room and head downstairs in the direction of what seems to be the spare room. Well, I never really went there. The house is too big for just the two of us and I don't need a lot of space to feel comfortable. I could be in our room the whole day and I am fine.

My heart stops when he opens the door of the room.

 _TWO . . ._

The room which used to have monochromatic stuccos and well-folded bed has turned into the most colourful four cornered vicinity. The walls are painted with cartoon characters and toys are everywhere. There are also story books. Everything just seems so beautiful and organized. It's been planned out.

There's a crib in one corner and right above it are letters plastered, BABY GREY.

The atmosphere turns serious when Christian tightens a hold of my hand and says, "Ana, I love you. I couldn't thank you enough for loving me back and for staying with me despite my issues. But Ana, I've moved on now. I want to have a baby. It's not like before, Ana. It's not because you want it but because _we_ want it. I want to be a father. I want to see your stomach swell with our baby and I want to see you holding our baby while sitting in this rocking chair," he points to the white rocking chair in the other corner.

"Let's have a baby," he almost pleads.

There are no words. I am just speechless. I only nod.

I have wanted this for such a long time and to finally have it means more than the world to me.

Christian has given me a lot of revelations this day and they're enough to transform me into this cry baby. But guess what? It's not yet over.

 _THREE . . ._

Out of nowhere, Christian kneels down the floor.

There in the middle of our future baby's room, he drops to one knee and takes out a shining ring from his pocket.

"Ana, I am in love with you. I have always been. I can't promise to give you every single thing you want so I'll promise to be _every single thing_ you need. I will love you forever. Will you marry me . . . _for real_?"

I give him my answer in a count of one . . . two . . . three.

"Yes, Christian . . . for real."

I will hold on to this one two three. Forever.

 **Author's Note: Oh, only one last update then we're good to go. I cannot believe it!**

 **Thank you!**

 **Reviews?**

 **Margo.**


	32. Epilogue

**Author's Note below.**

 **Epilogue**

 **Wish**

 _February 17, 2019_

 _A lot has happened, Journal. Since the accident, I wasn't able to tell you anything._

 _Let me start by saying that I saw Jack again. After the car crash, I teleported into this radiant field where everything is just so beautiful. It's almost like I am in paradise. I didn't know where I was so I walked and walked until I saw a plane in the middle of the field. Jack stepped out of it and I ran into him and pulled him in for the tightest embrace. It's been awhile since I recalled the scent of my friend._

 _We sat by the field and talked about everything. I told him all about my guilt. I begged for his mercy and forgiveness. I lamented how he could have lived a happy life if I had only been nice to Ned. Jack shook his head and told me, "I would've died any other way. If it's a person's time to go, then he must go." He told me that none of it was my control._

 _When it was his turn to speak, it's like the weight of the world went off my shoulders._

" _Christian, thank you so much for taking care of Leila and Jaclyn. I love my girls even though the three of us haven't been together in the flesh. You know what, bro? You are better than you think you are."_

 _That's when I made a promise to him._

" _Promise me one thing, Christian. You must live your own life. You must be happy. You have a wonderful woman! Don't deny her motherhood. Just be happy, that's all I'm asking."_

 _In that moment, I knew my life had changed. Jack told me to be happy and so I will be._

 _He asked one more favour, "Fly with me?"_

" _Sure thing," I replied with no reluctance._

 _We went inside the plane and we were co-pilots. We flew the horizon together and I got terrified when he maneuvered the plane towards the sun._

" _Jack, what are you doing?! Jack!" We're gonna get burned if he keeps on going._

" _Just look at the sun, Christian," I did and by the next time I blinked, it's Ana's face I saw sleeping in the hospital room._

 _I watched her sleep and realized how lucky I am to have her. I never told her this but us seeing each other once more in that CD store was never an accident. She crossed my mind a million times in the course of her absence. The day came when I couldn't contain it any longer. I hired a private investigator so that I may know where she is. My heart clenched upon knowing her impoverished state. As bizarre as it may be, I used it so that I get to be with her._

 _The thing is accidents don't exist at all. Everything's meant to be. We were always meant to find each other._

 _I changed my life so that I may change hers._

 _TEA is gone and GEHI is here. I am finally the master of my ship._

 _Then, Ana and I remarried in Amsterdam. It was just the two of us in a place that holds one of our dearest memories._

 _It didn't take long before we conceived._

 _There were too many thoughts jumbling in my head. What if I won't be a good father? What if I will ruin everything? What if my child wouldn't love me? Or what if I wouldn't love my child enough?_

 _But when Ana holds my hand, she tells me that it's never going to let that happen._

 _So when our son was born, I did nothing but cry. I am in my late thirties holding my baby for the first time. His piercing cries echoed through the delivery room and I kissed my exhausted wife's face over and over again. She's everything that I could ever wish for but I couldn't ask for more. That's when I thought I will make her greatest wish come true but how?_

 _As I was holding my crying son and whispering how Daddy is always here for him, Ana asked, "What are we going to name him, Christian?"_

 _I remembered how we talked on the rooftop of my previous company and she managed to make my wishes come true in a way that ten million paper planes flew above me. I decided I'll make her greatest wish come true too._

" _Oscar, his name is Oscar."_

 _My wife has finally won her Oscar._

 **Author's Note:**

 **Thank you for the amazing support I've gotten for this fanfiction. This story was never meant to come out. In fact, this was an original. If I didn't clean up my desktop, I wouldn't have remembered that I've written this one. Thank you for all of your reviews and follows and favorites. Thank you for letting my updates me a part of your day.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own FSOG trilogy.**

 **Another note: I hope you aren't tired of me because I just released the first chapter of my new fanfic called "The Secret Keeper" and you can go ahead and check it out. If you have loved my previous stories, I'll hope you will love this one too.**

 **Again, Thank you!**

 **Margo.**


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